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When to stop a new relationship

New relationships are always exciting. They are full of new possibilities, they aren't the old relationships, and they are full of untapped potential. All relationship starts aren't smooth. So when do you decide to throw in the towel? I currently have a friend who is starting to date, and I find myself giving her the same advice that she was giving me when I was dating, and I began to think, when do you throw in the towel on someone new?

I think you need to be very objective when you start in a new relationship. You need to realize that is this the point where that other person is showing you their best effort. If their best effort fails to meet your needs you need to move on quickly. For example do they forget to call you when they say they will? Everyone works and sometimes gets busy, but when they consistently forget to call you, do you think it will get any better? It won't, they suddenly won't have a revalation one day and begin to call you all of the time.

Are they sometimes hot and sometime cold towards you? We all want someone that is consistent, they may not be behave exactly like we want, but we shouldn't be surprised in the way they want to be close and then suddenly distance themselves from us. If they are wishy washy, we need to set them to the curb and get off that potential emotional roller coaster.

The time to decide whether a relationship should move forward or stop moving forward is early on. Are you being treated like you want to be? Are your needs for closeness being met? If they are not, move on. You don't owe that person a lengthly explanation, you owe it to yourself to be happy, and not to let another person drag you down.

2008 a year of grief

2008 is a year I will never forget. It is the year that will define the rest of my life; it is the year where I had the best and the worst of times all within a short period of time. I am a changed person by through this year, currently I can’t say if it is for the best or not, but I have been changed none the less.

Before I start with 2008, I should start with the events that started the whole year. In November, Michael had taken a position with Whirlpool in Benton Harbor, MI. We talked about our future and decided to get married. That meant a couple of options, me moving up there, him continuing to look for work in Houston, or there was another job possibility in Boston that he was exploring. I had decided to look for work in Benton Harbor; this really meant two choices, either Whirlpool, or Leco. I am a financial analyst by trade.

In December Michael moves, he calls most every night chatting with me for an hour or two each night. I score not one, but two job interviews in late December. I didn’t get the job at Whirlpool, but they like me, and pass along my name, and the other interview I am still up for a follow up interview.

We fly back to Houston in his plane, and we celebrate a short Christmas together, it was nice. For New Years, I fly up to Newark, as he does. We spend a few days together for New Years. Towards the end of January I have a second interview at Penske, and then for another job at Whirlpool. I hear that Whirlpool wants to hire me. Yes!

So Michael and I begin to look at houses and rule out things that we don’t like, and things that aren’t overly offensive to either of us. Between both of our specifications we end up with a couple of choices. He puts in an offer on a smallish house on 22 acres complete with a spring, and a fairly large garage. We don’t get this house, because our offer isn’t accepted. We put a bid on another house, and after much wrangling we get the house at the price Michael declared it was worth.

Thankfully between Whirlpool and Michael most everything gets taken care of. I get my car moved up there, and my house stuff gets moved up there too. I drive up to Little Rock Arkansas with 3 cats and a dog for him to pick me up. We quickly get settled into the house; Michael has us unpack everything in a couple of weeks. We saved many boxes to have a big bon fire on July 4th.

Living up there was something that I found difficult. The weather was very cold. One of my cats would hide in a place between the basement ceiling and the upstairs floor. We planted a garden, potatoes, asparagus, tomatoes and all sorts of things. In May we take a quick trip to Las Vegas, and have a fantastic time. I can look at pictures of that time and see we are both very happy.

We go to his parents and have his 40th b-day party. He has a fantastic time. He was joyful, and we had a terrific time in New York City taking a bus tour. We found a dumpling shop down an alley, and had fantastic dumplings and soup. Michael really liked out of the way places to eat, and this one fit the bill. We went grocery shopping and in between the Russian store and the Asian store we filled the plane will all sorts of food. There was only enough room for us and the dog when we flew back to Benton Harbor. I would not know at this time, but it was the last time I would fly in the plane with him.

When we got back from his birthday party, he spent much of his time getting ready for Thomas. Thomas was coming for about a month to get his instrument rating. The plane didn’t handle the cold weather well. He had to work on the plane quite a bit on the weekends and during the evenings. The last weekend was very tense, because when he was focused on something little else came into mind. We had gotten into an argument about how much time was being devoted to the plane. We had decided to have a special dinner that week.

The following Tuesday is a day I will never forget. It started off as the perfect day, we woke up, and we made love, and then had coffee together that morning. He called me about 4 and said he was going to get off from work early, and we could go to dinner early. We met up at Tosi’s. I had told him I really wanted some calamari, and they had the best calamari there. We had a lovely dinner; we had noticed that obviously you needed to be 50 to be there so early for dinner. I had asked him what he thought we would be talking about when we were older. He looked at me, and then looked at another couple, he told me that man was obviously and engineer, and his wife wasn’t. We would look like them, and we would be talking about the same things that we did now. I remember him setting down his fork and remarking “mission calamari accomplished”.

I remember looking at him at that moment and thinking he had changed so much during the time I had known him. He had matured, and he had seemed to be more relaxed with himself. We went out to the parking lot, I kissed him goodbye, and we said we would drink a bottle of wine when we got home. He was in my rear view mirror when I last saw him.

He was running late, I had thought something was wrong like he ran out of gas, or something was a miss with his bike. After about 20 minutes I called him, no answer, I waited another 10 minutes, no answer. I then left the house, when I got to the end of the road it was blocked off, there was an accident, and there was a motorcycle involved. Someone said it was a red bike; Michael’s is black so that’s ok. So I hung around there for a bit, the road was blocked off. So I then decided to drive to the hospital. The other way was blocked too, road construction. At this point I am getting desperate, so I decide to go down random country roads to see if I can get to the hospital.

I call his friend Peter, and he puts in a few calls. I eventually work my way around to the accident. I see the bike, and the saddle bags are blown off the bike. I tell the people who he is and that I am his fiancé, and where is he. They eventually talk to me, and tell me he is alive and heading towards the hospital. He is banged up though. They tell me to be careful. I drive as quickly as I can to the hospital. I talk to Peter again; Michael is in the ER, but talking. He is ok, but hurt.

I get to the hospital, Peter gets there, and we wait, and wait, and wait. It is never a good sign when they ask you to come into a room and arrange chairs for you. The doctor comes in and tells me she is sorry, they did everything they could do. Beyond that, everything else is a blur. She had mentioned that they were talking to his parents, and that she would call his parents. I told her no, I would tell them. I call, and say the words I never wanted to come out of my mouth. I tell his parents that Michael was killed in a motorcycle accident. The other man failed to stop at a stop sign and Michael hit the man killing him instantly.

Peter takes me home, and everything begins to blur. I remember calling Debbie telling her about what happened. I call his parents again, and try to say the details that I can barely remember the doctor telling me, Michael essentially had massive trauma to the right side of his body, and then died of internal bleeding. He fought for two hours to stay alive. I have cursed myself heavily for not being there for him sooner, not being there to hold his hand, to kiss him one last time, or to even caress his face and say something to comfort him during this.

In a day or two I would head out to Newark for the funeral. Michael’s aunt meets me at the airport. She is so kind, and hugs and hugs me. I am a mess. The man I love has just died, died before us getting to get married, and now I am going to see his parents. I was a party to Michael’s lie about having the motorcycle. What would they think of me now? I was upset I couldn’t find all of the pieces to his new suit that I helped pick out for him, and it looked so good on him. I can’t even find matching socks for him.

They welcome me in with open arms. We all cry over Michael. We cry, and cry, and cry. The worst pain in the world that I have seen is when a parent looses a child. I have witnessed this twice in the last few years of my life. I would see Bella and Boris go through this. No words really offer any comfort. Nothing you can say to someone really eases their pain. I am relieved to be there, I have been welcomed into their home.

His family is Jewish so they have this wonderful custom of covering mirrors in the house during mourning. Little sleep, and tear stained faces don’t make for attractive people. We went to the funeral, Bella, Boris, Lev, and I got to see Michael in the casket before it would be closed. We all cry, it is especially touching Bella’s tears caressing Michael’s face. We would all kiss him goodbye.

Jewish funerals are somber, but not over the top. They are respectful of the dead. They are respectful of the mourners as well. I was taken back by the beauty of the ceremony, and the simplicity of it. In my family people would tell you not to cry, they would tell you they are in a better place; no one said anything like that here.

I drove his parents and his uncle out to the graveside. They declined a limo, and I thought that driving them was a service that I could do for them, and for Michael. There was a graveside ceremony as well, and then we got to shovel dirt onto his grave. Shoveling dirt onto someone’s grave is a favor no one can repay you for. I could have never imagined having to do this for someone that I loved, and especially so soon. We had so many plans left unfulfilled.

We went back to the house, and had another prayer service, and then a meal. Again everyone was so kind. I had met much of his family over our previous visits. I was grateful for being allowed to morn as freely as needed. I got to tell some funny stories about Michael, and some things they didn’t know about him. He had several patents that he never spoke about, and other adventures that he was quiet about. A few days later I went back to our house in Michigan.

Going back home was difficult. I had not really made any friends yet, I spent all of my extra time with Michael. Our evenings would be sitting and talking outside and having a bottle of wine, sometimes watching a movie, we even spent a couple of nights writing cat poetry. There was a stray cat running around our property, and he would come up on our porch and meow at us and run off when we went to go see what he wanted.

I had no church home, I never felt comfortable at many of the churches there, and I tried too. I spent the forth of July alone, sitting on the deck looking up at fireworks, and thinking how could Michael have left me like this. I went back to work, for the first few weeks I couldn’t stay the whole day, I would often go outside to the car to cry. I, as I knew it died that day that Michael passed away.

Friends came up to visit, they spaced their visits out, and it was a blessing. Michael’s parents came to the house. In September I went to New Orleans for a quick trip. New Orleans is a place where Michael and I had gone. We went to a couple of Mardi Gras parades, I asked to go to New Orleans for Valentine’s Day, it happened to be Mardi Gras. We had a fantastic trip; we had caught so many beads, and ate so much good food. We had each collected about 20 pounds of beads, and had to carry it around New Orleans, complaining about all of the beads we had. It was a difficult place to go back to. Michael and I had planned to go there in September anyway. It was a bittersweet trip.

During the fall I joined the bowling league. I thought it would get me out of the house, and then I also found a nice church home. There was also a spiritual crisis brewing within me. I had for so long been attracted to Judaism, upon Michael’s death, I read constantly about Judaism, and decided to convert. At work things were going ok, but I had a bad feeling. Business was slowing down, and then by the end of October I found out I was being laid off. I couldn’t believe so much horrible luck/karma/whatever in one year. I spent about a week at the house sitting around pondering my future.

I attended some work readiness classes, and decided to move back to Houston. I began to pack and start looking for a job, my severance package wasn’t great, and my chances for employment as a financial analyst in Benton Harbor Michigan were limited. I drove to Michael’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving. It was a good trip. Bella, his mother spoils my dog with homemade chicken soup in the evenings, and we got to talk and talk about Michael. I got to learn more stories about Michael, and him growing up. I had wished Bella and I was closer before this happened, but I was thankful that we were close now.

In December the moving truck came. My best friend from college was kind enough to come up and help me drive one of the vehicles back. I drove Michael’s truck, it had no heat, and it was a miserable drive. At one point I had a soda freezing in the can while I was drinking it. I had also contracted a case of impetigo, and despite going to the doctor and getting prescription medicine it got worse. When I got to Houston, I simply walked into my old doctor’s office, and said help me. They did ;)

My last week or so has been unpacking, and trying to get my house ready again. I went on three job interviews and got two job offers. So I should be employed again. I find it painful having to go to the places where Michael and I did. The other night, I cried to and from going to dinner with some friends. I still can’t believe what this year has been like. I feel so much older, I feel so changed. I don’t have a heart full of joy like I once did. My friends used to comment on how I could belly laugh; I haven’t done that in months.

I often ponder why I was left, and he was taken. He was in his prime of life, he was happier than he had been in a long time. He was gifted, he was so intelligent, an accomplished private pilot, he had been a skydiver, he was also a man with a large heart, and he could also be the world’s largest curmudgeon. One night we were discussing lawn care, and he told me he changed his entire life for me, and what did I do for him? I have remembered this line so often, and I have thought to myself, I buried you, I moved all of the way across the country to be with you, I left my home, job, and friends, and you died.

Would I have changed anything if I had known this would be the outcome? No. I wouldn’t change one minute. I had a wonderful two years with Michael. We did so many things together, we traveled, we went to Greece, and we went all over the US. We had fantastic times together at parties we threw, and spending time with our friends. I loved that he and I would simply spend a great deal of our time talking about all sorts of things. We talked about so many things; I also found his ideas fascinating, even if I didn’t agree with him.

Being laid off really wasn’t the blow that losing someone that you love so dearly was. It was a relief, I no longer felt obligated to stay in Michigan. I am now backing in my house incorporating Michael’s things into mine. There is plane art in my house; there are pictures of him all over. My heart is very heavy with the pain it carries. I don’t know if I will ever have that abundant joy in my heart that I used to feel there, I feel aged now. I am still young, but I will carry the knowledge and the experiences of Michael with me forever. I am afraid that I will always be very sad about losing him so quickly, and so tragically.

How to get past a bad relationship

Relationships as you know are hard work, and typically most of us spend a great deal of our time and energy invested in a relationship. This makes it difficult when a relationship breaks apart. Whether this breaks apart due circumstances or even personal conflicts. Bad relationships are even more difficult when they break apart because all of that time and energy is spent there.

Often growing past a relationship means taking an inventory of what brough you into this relationship, and what brought you out of the relationship. Relationships with people that are toxic are more difficult in doing this inventory of what went wrong. When we are involved with someone that is toxic we often change what our natural ways of reacting are in relation to that other person.

So what do you do? Honestly, the best thing you can do is to forgive yourself, chances are you were doing the best that you could, and you made your decisions to stay within that relationship maybe longer than you should have. Forgiveness doesn't need to involve that other person, you really never need to interact with someone that is toxic again, you simply much move forward with yourself.

Forgive yourself often, and for each thing you thought might have led you into that particular relationship. This is the only way you can ever really move past a bad relationship in your life. Simply forgive yourself and move forward and ontward into better relationships in the future.

What's New

It has been awhile since I had posted again. What had happened in my life was I had become engaged to a wonderful man, we had moved across the country, and had a fantastic three months before he tragically was killed in a motorcycle accident due to no fault of his own. So I was dealing with the move, a new job, and a dramatic change in my life.

I am now getting back to posting again and hope to have additional postings about relationships once again. I have enjoyed reading many of the comments that many of you have been kind enough to offer.

Stephanie

Karen Writes

Karen, your posting was a long one, and I wanted to give it full attention. Here is Karen's posting then I will follow with my comments.

Karen said...
Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for this site, and your information. I am truly heartbroken, and I don't know what to do. I believe the man that I love and have pined over for so long is a narcisist. I will provide you with my story/issue, and I welcome your feedback, advice, etc.

Back in 2004 I was going through a separation with my husband at the
time. A fellow co-worker was going through the same with his wife. We
became very good friends and offered each other advice through this
tough
time in our lives. Hence, as we got to know each other more and more,
we fell in love. We began dating each other at the end of 2004 and in
May of 2005 we broke up. I devistated me to no avail. We would still
run
into each other at work, which of course was very awkward. I was
heartbroken. That Oct. (2005) he asked me to dinner, and we talked
about how much we missed each other and we got back together. It was
great!
Well...the following May (2006) out of no where he broke up with me,
saying that he needed his space, needed to figure out what he really
wanted out of life. Again devistation for me. He had since moved from
NY
to
Georgia and we comunicated via e-mail very rarely. This past
November(2007), he contacted me (a year and half later) and was in NY
for his
sister's wedding, and wanted to see me. I was overjoyed. PS - we got
back
together, I'm in NY he is in GA, and asked me to move there, and he
has been saying that he wants to have a life with me, marraige,
children,
etc. He is buying a house, and I went down to help pick out
furnishings
for this house that is being built. He even put my on his life ins.
policy. I was supposed to move there the end of this month (May 2008).
This past weekend, I was really getting nervous (and very emotional
(pms
contributed), and I told him I can't marry him. My reasoning: Because
I love him so deeply, I am affraid that if we got married (Even though
I really want to, and still do), if our marraige ever had problems,
and
God for bid it ended, and/or we got bored of each other (which happens
in marraiges), we would take the risk of hating each other, and never
seeing each other again. My fear got in the way. We are still going
away to
Las Vegas this weekend together, and he still wants me to come and
visit him over the summer. The next day (after I said that I couldn't
get
married), I told him hat I was pms'ing and that I am so sorry. I do
really want to marry
him, but I just need some time to get my bearings. He said that 'that
ship has sailed' and we can't ever get married to each other.

What have I done. I really want to marry this man. I don't want to live
in fear, and I realize it was a mistake what I said. Now, it's too
late.

He cancelled the trip to Vegas, he said that he bought the ring and returned it. He was going to propose to me while in vegas, but because of what I said, he is dropping the whole thing. He said he wants a relationship that doesn't require any 'work', and that maybe in time we can be friends. He said he also couldn't guarentee that he wouldn't run out of the marraige or something down the road, because I am a 'project' (whatever that means). I told him that nobody is perfect, and when you love someone, if there are bumps or hurdles you work them out together. He wants a 'trouble-free' relationship/marraige. I tried explaining to him that when I said I couldn't marry him, I didn't really mean that. What I really meant was that because in the past he kept yo-yo'ing I just didn't want that to happen again.
Now it's Sat. I'm not in vegas, and not with Eric. He broke off everything. I even suggested that I still move down to GA, and we live together and then down the road get married. Nope - he said no. :'-( I am truly heartbroken. Here I have pined over this man for 4 years, I was just about to become his fiance' and I have lost him, and he doesn't even feel the same way, or care for that matter.

Thank you again.
Karen

A lot of these behaviors are much like the narcisist that I had ran into. I will comment on the issue of emotional abuse that was going on. When you spoke about ring, and then the returning of the ring this is textbook from the narcisist that I had dated. I can't tell you how many times he would say oh I was going to do X, but then you did Y, so now I can't do X anymore. These are meaningless words. They only know the strings to pull, and they pull them very well. In your future dealings with this man you will have to learn to ignore this type of behavior. It isn't condusive to anything.
Mine would say oh I was going to get special present for you, but then you frowned at me this morning when you first woke up, so that blew it, but I had been thinking about getting you that special present for a long time. This behavior was so rampant. Ignore it. You know if someone really loved you they would want you to have the things that you wanted and wouldn't make them conditional. With a narcisist, they aren't grounded in reality so why would you even think for a moment that it was true what they had said?
Unfortunately all relationships take work. They often take more work than we feel like we can put into them. Sorry, but this is true. This man wants a relationship that costs nothing to operate, and you know that isn't fair to you. I think what makes narcisists so difficult to get over is they know you well, they know your soft underside, and they know how to take aim there. They are also charismatic, and charming, they don't have many other good qualities. It is really difficult to end relationships mostly because of what we see into them, I think we often see things or bring hopes and dreams into relationships and weave those hopes and dreams into a relationship and they aren't there. It is the hardest thing to let go of what we hoped a relationship could be.

Time heals all

You know I didn't realize it had been almost a year since the last posting. I have gotten a lot of compliments and comments on the topic of life with a narcissistic person. It has been almost three years since my relationship with this type of person, and I promise to each and everyone of you life goes on. I also understand the pain that many of you express in your comments and emails.

I can honestly say that my relationship with my narcissist was one in which I had many high points, and their were many, many low points. This came home recently when planning a vacation with friends to a place I had been with this particular person. Now I have been back to this vacation spot with other people but there are some moments with that person that have turned into a chuckle now. Did I ever think that would happen? No.

Honestly the turning point in my relationship with that person came from reading about personality disorders and journaling. I journaled every day that I could to track what was going on, what was being said. I also kept all emails and instant message conversations as well. These were important, because I could see in black and white what was being said, and then later just show that person what was being said. This helped me to realize this relationship was not healthly.

My next plan of action was reading up on this disorder, and realizing that you can not make this person better. Any efforts in doing to are completely wasted. In most normal relationships where people care about each other if you tell someone something is bothering them, they are likely to work on things with you. Think about it, would a person that you are involved with said hey stop stepping on my toe it hurts, and you replied no, I want to step where I wanted to. What would the other person think, they would think man, I am not going to continue to be around that person if they are always stepping on my toe. Your relationship with a significant other shouldn't be any different.

Once I realized I couldn't make this person any better, I began to cut my contact with them. It was difficult as he could be as charming as anyone. They have to be, they have nothing else to offer to anyone. The darn thing about it is they have had a lifetime to perfect their charm, and man, they have it. You have to cut yourself off from that person, and not pay them any attention. My particular relationship finally ended after being stalked, harassed by him, and others, when I got the police involved. If necessary I recommend law enforcement.

Then came the healing. It has been a long journey. I have continually tried equipping myself with good knowledge about relationships, and surrounding myself with healthy people. I promise you will eventually get to the point where you don't think about this person constantly. I promise that eventually you can chuckle about the weird things that happened in the relationship, and you will move on.