Life After a Narcisist
Believe it or not, there is life after a narcisist. It may seem like this the relationship with that person will never end, it will. Unfortunately it will happen when they finally realize they will get no more from you. You must take steps to see this happens. You must ignore them, and fail to give them attention no matter what they say, think, do, or claim that they feel. They key in this relationship ending is for you to simply stop supplying them with anything they see that you offer.
Once they finally realize that you are no longer a source of what they want from you, they will move on. It may take awhile, but it will happen. Remember to stay strong and for you to continue to ignore them, and deny them anything they desire from you. If you bend, even a little in this, they will continue to circle back, and get whatever they can from you. Keep in mind these are not rational people that you are dealing with. They are sub-human.
Life without a narcisist in it will be easier. You will be amazed at how you can live your life without so much drama. It will be like night and day once you knock this person out of your life. While it isn't an easy task to do, your life will dramatically improve, and you will be happier after you heal some of the damage that they do. Stay strong, deny them what they desire from you, and eventually they will go away, and your life will return to normal.
Labels: narcisist
posted by Stephanie @ 4:02 AM
17 comments
17 Comments:
Oh Stephanie - you are so right - my ex of 2 months - is not a recovering alco also - last week I had to see him for a few issues with our apartment - I had been spending so much time in Alanon - it kind of got to me - anyway I told me he was sorry for everything - I just did not want to hear his lies - so I told him I forgave him and myself for everything -I was concerned that he might think I was a supply after that - but I have been strong - he didn't call me and I have never called him during these past two months. They are like vampires - if they see a inch. I cannot even tell you how happy I am - I feel great - I am in therapy - I am letting go what he did - what I did and focusing on my happiness.
Im recovering from a female who is this way - fighting for a young child at the same time - I thought i was clear of the supply but this helps by reading that you have to not give an inch - greatest advice to date
SO far, This is the best site in regards to actually dealing with narcissists. I am coming to the end of a 6 year relationship with a female narcissist and I thought I was paralyzed into doing nothing. Seeing other persons stories and finding out about her in general has given me the edge I needed..thanks so much
I feel so relieved!! I've had a friend for many years who i think is a narcissist! She has tried for the last time to suck the life out of me! I've tried to understand, my heart would subside after the stupid things she would do and i would fall into her trap! AGAIN!! I am thankful for this wonderful advice! Ignoring them completely is the ONLY way!! This way they don't steal your spirit and wonderful energy!! Sincerely a very fed up friend!!!!
For me letting go was so hard because by nature some of us get into a relationship like this to fulfill 'I can help and fix you role'. As much emotional abuse as I took, I still wanted to fix my ex. husband. Had I not been blessed with two children later in life I would still be 'in the trenches'. I did not even realize what his problem was until I began to heal myself and protect my young children. In some ways I think it is just as hard to walk away and take away 'their' power as it is to take the abuse. Make no mistake; I have known more happiness since I have let go and accept the peace that comes, than I ever dreamed possible. Letting go is hard and sticking to it can be even harder, but the peace is so refreshing. I became an alcoholic and could never completely recover until I gave myself permission to not blame myself for his abuse.
Hi Everyone,
Thank you so much for this site, and your information. I am truly heartbroken, and I don't know what to do. I believe the man that I love and have pined over for so long is a narcisist. I will provide you with my story/issue, and I welcome your feedback, advice, etc.
Back in 2004 I was going through a separation with my husband at the
time. A fellow co-worker was going through the same with his wife. We
became very good friends and offered each other advice through this
tough
time in our lives. Hence, as we got to know each other more and more,
we fell in love. We began dating each other at the end of 2004 and in
May of 2005 we broke up. I devistated me to no avail. We would still
run
into each other at work, which of course was very awkward. I was
heartbroken. That Oct. (2005) he asked me to dinner, and we talked
about how much we missed each other and we got back together. It was
great!
Well...the following May (2006) out of no where he broke up with me,
saying that he needed his space, needed to figure out what he really
wanted out of life. Again devistation for me. He had since moved from
NY
to
Georgia and we comunicated via e-mail very rarely. This past
November(2007), he contacted me (a year and half later) and was in NY
for his
sister's wedding, and wanted to see me. I was overjoyed. PS - we got
back
together, I'm in NY he is in GA, and asked me to move there, and he
has been saying that he wants to have a life with me, marraige,
children,
etc. He is buying a house, and I went down to help pick out
furnishings
for this house that is being built. He even put my on his life ins.
policy. I was supposed to move there the end of this month (May 2008).
This past weekend, I was really getting nervous (and very emotional
(pms
contributed), and I told him I can't marry him. My reasoning: Because
I love him so deeply, I am affraid that if we got married (Even though
I really want to, and still do), if our marraige ever had problems,
and
God for bid it ended, and/or we got bored of each other (which happens
in marraiges), we would take the risk of hating each other, and never
seeing each other again. My fear got in the way. We are still going
away to
Las Vegas this weekend together, and he still wants me to come and
visit him over the summer. The next day (after I said that I couldn't
get
married), I told him hat I was pms'ing and that I am so sorry. I do
really want to marry
him, but I just need some time to get my bearings. He said that 'that
ship has sailed' and we can't ever get married to each other.
What have I done. I really want to marry this man. I don't want to live
in fear, and I realize it was a mistake what I said. Now, it's too
late.
He cancelled the trip to Vegas, he said that he bought the ring and returned it. He was going to propose to me while in vegas, but because of what I said, he is dropping the whole thing. He said he wants a relationship that doesn't require any 'work', and that maybe in time we can be friends. He said he also couldn't guarentee that he wouldn't run out of the marraige or something down the road, because I am a 'project' (whatever that means). I told him that nobody is perfect, and when you love someone, if there are bumps or hurdles you work them out together. He wants a 'trouble-free' relationship/marraige. I tried explaining to him that when I said I couldn't marry him, I didn't really mean that. What I really meant was that because in the past he kept yo-yo'ing I just didn't want that to happen again.
Now it's Sat. I'm not in vegas, and not with Eric. He broke off everything. I even suggested that I still move down to GA, and we live together and then down the road get married. Nope - he said no. :'-( I am truly heartbroken. Here I have pined over this man for 4 years, I was just about to become his fiance' and I have lost him, and he doesn't even feel the same way, or care for that matter.
Thank you again.
Karen
Can anyone help me here? It is only now, after 10 years, do I read about narcisistic behaviour, do I see that I am married to one of the worst! My husband was so very verbally abusive toward my son and I,over the last 5 years, behind closed doors. In front of people he spoke to me like dirt, hiding it with humour. Last May, he overstepped the mark and went for me in front of our mutual friends, calling me all the names under the sun. I told him to leave, however within a few days he was crying to come home, and after 3 months I let him, only for him to be worse than ever. I told him that he had taken it to a new level, but he would not accept blame. Christmas was hell, and in January he stepped up a level, and over the weekend, he locked me in my house for 2 hours, chucked wine all over the ceiling and the sofa claiming it was an accident, started hyperventalating and grabbed a knife saying he was going to cut me in to pieces. Two days before this, he was his normal self.
I thought that I could help him. He never wanted sex with me, although he would hold my hand. He criticised everything I did at home and at work, and picked on his step-son. Our daughter, he treated very well indeed. Since he has gone, he has slept about. He has been so very cruel to me, saying that I made him feel dead from the neck up, only had fun with me for 2 1/2 hours in the last 5 years, and stated bluntly the reason we didn't have sex was simply because 'he didn't want to'. Let me be very clear, I am a very attractive, intelligent professional woman in my mid-30's. Before we broke up, he became very friendly with a woman at work who isa divorcee, with no children, bubbly with long blond hair and big breasts! Complete opposite to me as I am now - I used to be bubbly and funny. Not any more.
Why can't I let him go? All day I replay scenarios in my head of what he is doing, how happy he is and I am so miserable without him. He told me 4 weeks ago that he really liked this girl now, and he was going to ask her out for a drink. He told his sister (whom I am still in touch with) the same story. I approached he and told her this and that I would not cause any grief (we all work in the same small building!) she said that she liked him as a work colleague and had been out with him socially in a group, but anything else was in his head. According to other colleagues, she hated him last year as he kept shouting at her at work (he is her supervisor) although now they look pretty smitten. I asked him 2 weeks later if he was seeing her and all he kept saying was 'it is none of your business'. over and over. Last monday I caught him leaving her house. He wound down the window and smiled a big grin and I asked if he was eeing her, he said 'yep'. He is still very cruel to me, and lies dreadfully about everything, big or small. I now have 3 versions of this. Lastly, when I told him that I had to inform out boss as I wanted to move, he said that he had only been to her house for a drink. He has always liked to make me jealous, so I am not sure if this is what he is doing. On Tuesday this week, she was on holiday and I saw him leave his house with another woman! Is he trying to continue to get at me, ruin my career, my life - he knows that I am so upset as I have told him that all I wanted is my family together. He does not. I did NOTHING wrong, which is why it hurts so much STILL. It has been 4 months, and I am now on anti-depresents, seen a hypntherapist, had councilling. I have stopped all communication with him now and am seeing a solicitor. My mother believes that he is trying to make me go crazy so he can have the kids and the house. Would someone do this? Is this typical Narcisistic behaviour? I don't get apologies any more - he was always so good with them. PS We live in a small town, where I have to stay as my mum lives here who helps me out with our 4 year old, and he has stopped paying our mortgage.
Hello Girl:
Been to your Hell and back. You are not alone in what you are going through! I thought my hell on earth would never end. No matter how bad I was treated, I wanted the relationship to work, for the family. Finally I researched his behavior and found I was dealing with a soulless person. He was a psyhcopath with narcistic tendecies. 6 months of indepth therapy and a year out of the relationship, I am finally getting it together.I was with him for 34 years and 3 kids. After a relationship like this, you do become stronger, you survived this you can survive anything. He tried to kill me, ran around, had kids from other women,(young girls), mentally abused me so bad I beleived I was the crazy one. I couldn't function social. I am now much better, look inside you for the strength to get over this. AND YOU WILL! That is what bothers them is when you are done with them! I am still healing, time does heal everything. My faith helped me immensely. Basically they control your mind, emotions. Take the control back and be strong! Remember you are not alone in this.
from one who knows
I was a single parent for 14 years and after my youngest moved out I met this guy. He poured it on and I was convinced I was his soul mate. After a couple years of drama I was still convinced when he told me that I was it. We married, two years later he divorced. He said he would lose VA benefits. I did not even know the divorce was final. He said it was in name only. Then when he was supposedly out of town I caught him driving down the street with a woman he had brought over from China and married. He told me he would be back in 2 months. After that I knew that for my survival and self-respect he had to go. I doubt I will ever hear from him again but someone else will fall for his same lines.
I too can understand all written here. I was married to a nacisist for 8 and a half years. Verbal abuse started from before marriage and continued being name called and in front of our children! Hard to prove emotional abuse in the courts though. He has temporary custody of our children and tells everyone he has custody. He wasn't interested in sex either I had to beg very nicely to get pregnant with our children and go to fertility to identify exact ovulation dates for this to happen. He threatened to hit me on several occasions throughout our marriage but I didn't put two and two together! Finally read a book that brought me to the "now" and when I started to withdraw my attention to his person that's when he crumbled...he was also unfaithful throughout our marriage but denied all of it via choke hold one time on our bedroom floor...he also threatened to kill me and held me down to the point where I saw black and had to push him off and he still came down on me to continue to threaten breaking my neck...week following showed no signs of remores which made me think of the seriousness of his narcisissm...his sisters believe all of his lies and even though he has lied to them he too made me believe that they thought i was nuts until I verified that they didn't think this at all yet they support him now which I don't understand....they are all afraid of him as his anger is so paramount to who he was, is and will always be even his sister agreed to me that he is an angry man....he even admitted it....I can't wait to settle all this court stuff so that I too can move on...I fear for the safety of my children in his care the lies they are being surrounded by and potential violence in future...I trust in the powers that be that they will make it through unscaved....he is totally projecting onto me all of his personality traits and is trying to make me seem to be the controlling one as he does not see any of these traits himself and he believes himself! He has been in new relationship since prior to marriage....I fear for her too...
I had never heard anything about narcisist before until I watched a documentary on TV and then decided to search the internet. That is when I came across your website, now I'm beginning to realise that I have been married to a narcisist for the past 26yrs and have been trying very hard to make the marriage work. Since I started ignoring him, he has decided to move on with someone else. This is not the first time he has been involved with other women. I'm pretty sure if he does'nt get what he wants from this woman he will come back to me again of which I have decided to ignore him and I hope to stay strrong.
I think I'm the characterisation of a narcisist and I hope that my posting on this isnt interpreted as attention seeking but I do want to change.
I am overly pre-occupied with myself and I've moved from a 4 year relationship in which I made alot of effort to make it work but on the same hand always seemed to make her feel like she was not enough or enough for me (her words) despite thinking that she was.
Now in my present relationship, my gf took on the role of "fixing me" but at her own expense cuz now she thinks I'm very demanding and unreasonable. Quite frankly, I get upset alot, I easily tend to think that she's trying to be disrespectful and have serious ego issues.
I've been back and forth in my mind over the years so much about what I should tolerate and what I shouldnt tolerate that now I dont even know how to react to things so my new course of action is just to avoid all forms of confrontation or even self defense. I dont bother to discuss my dreams and aspirations for fear of others thinking I'm either too ambitious or too delusional.
The more I write this, the more I'm convinced I may really need to see if this is something that can be diagnosed (I say that cuz I've read that psychiatry is not an exact science)and the exact nature/extent of my issue.
What concerns me most though is that the label is associated with self love (excessive) as well as regression.
The sad part about really being this way though is this:
I want to say "can someone read this and give me some feedback about how I can change or any thing that jumps out at you to suggest that I am or arent or how to change" but the problem with really asking that question is that from what I've seen most the comments about, even that request may seem like attention-seeking behaviour.
I dont want to be the boy that cried wolf wolf.
Sincerely.
Omg is all i have to say...i decicded to research this word because i figured out a few months ago that i was dealing with a narsicist! Everything ive read is so true. But why is it so hard to leave? Why?...will the hurt of leaving ever go away?
-i met a man 5 months ago.he conviced me I was his soulmate and wanted to marry me.- I had some reservations as he seemed obsessed by babies and seemed controlling and wanted to move in after 2 weeks.however I was also very flattered and attracted to him. I thought he must be sound, being a former social worker. He told me he couldn't have kids and I told him I defintly didn't want more. However, within 2 weeks I was pregnant.I was devestated as my child has now left home and I'd brought her up as a sp. He tried to tell me what was right for me, wouldn't listen to my concerns and told me termination was against his catholic religion.- I got quite depressed but then he started becoming verbally abusive and telling me I was useless and stupid and tellin me I should be delighted to be pregnant.-i started to mistrust him as he'd obviously lied about the medical condition he said that made him 100 per cent certain I wouldn't get pregnant. It took me a few months to come to terms with the pregnancy and I became ready to comit to this life with him. However, by this time I'd started getting texts sent by mistake to me, obviously for another woman. He lied constantly about where he was, would never make a plan. One. Night I checked his phone and found out he had 20 female 'friends' from a dating site and a text clearly giving evidence of his lies. When I confronted him he started shaking me, shoutin at me , poking me in the face and telling me I was killing him of a heart attack. He said he could no longer be with me as I represented a life of hell,was the worst gf he,d ever had and even accused me of taking drugs, which is not true. He said I was suffering from paranoid delusions, which I checked with a doctor and therapist and I am not.:e told me that 'speaking a a social worker, he thought I was at risk of killing my child and should just give the baby to him. (Despite the fact I have been a mother for 20 yrs and never been considered in any way a risk to my child. He just wanted a kid and didn't care how he got one. The man is clearly unwell and I am so glad that he is not a social worker any more.he blamed everything on me and I actually started to believe it was all my fault. I begged him to stay with me as I was still pregnant but he just turned as cold as ice. I believe he has moved onto another victim to act out his distorted reality with and I went through with a terminationwhich was extremely traumatic and still is. I could not go through with being a sp again. My therapist mentioned that he may have a personality disorder and mentioned narcisism. I bought a book on narcististic lovers and couldn't believe how much he seemed to fit the criteria. Unbelievable. Especially as a former social worker! I have been traumatised by this but am now trying to heal and recover. I don't think he d contact me again as he has other narcisistic 'supply' to feed his 'false self' but if he did I would have to not have any contactn to protect myself. We must educate ourselves and protect ourselves from these dangerous people.
Wow...that's it...that's what I delt with for10 yrs. My ex was exactly this way. But there was one more thing...it seemed like there were times that my ex was soemone else. I know this sounds crazy but I know what I saw and heard. Is this also a trait?
karen, take back your power. anyone who makes you feel so powerless, isn't going to bring you joy or happiness. you're only feeding him exactly what he wants by wanting him more than ever, when he rejects you. Maybe when you're PMSing, you're thinking more clearly. But some might think, "oh, I'll just take back what I said, and tell him I don't want to marry him, so he'll stop playing the game" No... just stop. Read the post at the beginning of this blog again. Ignore them. Completely. Change your phone number if you have too. Start seeing other people. Get your confidence and your self esteem in a more healthy level, and never stop believing that you deserve better. If you don't, you will only get more of what you thing you deserve. Value yourself. Love yourself. Pamper yourself. Do things you enjoy. Write or journal regularly... you'd be surprised what your own mind will reveal to you.
To the owner of this site, GOOD JOB. My mother is the narcisist. And I've had a few relationships with some as well... and always think I can fix them. haha
About 10 years ago, I read almost all of Dr. Scott Pecks books. The first "The Road Less Travelled" A very good read for anyone. He's just so honest and real, that we can all relate to him. It was exciting watching (reading) as he went from athiest to christian. Which led to his next book, "Children of the Lie" and is all about narcisists.... their characteristics, their "evil", their inability to be helped, healed, to accept who and what they are, but good insight those of us with personality disorders who think everything is always our fault or that if we can just be more good, or better or more patient, we can help these poor souls, only to find ourselves continually feeling hopeless, even after numerous rollercoaster rides that made us feel like we couldn't soar any higher, the ride quickly and regularly takes us to a low that is almost too unbelieveable to accept so we often don't, can't or won't.
For me, these people can seem so much like saints, and then like demons, witches, evil like no other... and I've found that if i have to ask myself, is this person a sheep who sometimes puts on wolves clothing or a wolf hiding under sheeps clothing... I should steer clear. All good things are known by the fruit they bare. If a tree is good, is produces good fruit. If it's not, it can't.
If a person you care about, doesn't bring goodness, wellness, love, kindness, charity, joy, comfort, who doesn't amplify what you already have, why waste your good fruit when there are so many others who would appreciate it, rather than NEED it.
It's hard for anyone to imagine people so self centred, so egotistical, so narcistic, but they can't help it. We all have or have had these qualities in ourselves, but some of us work on them, and mature, find true love and respect for ourselves that allows us true love and respect for others.
part 2: My opinion is that some of us grow in intelligence... narcisists, regress into less and less and less intelligence until they eventually exinguish themselves. I finally found my own way to define intelligence, that being the ability and desire to learn, grow, progress, understand, personally develop and grow in wisdom, and all things that refect light and love from within us, and having a love for only the truth, even if the truth may seem harsh, there is still joy in universal truth. Someone may say terrible things to you, but that doesn't make their words true. What they say does tell you the truth about them though, and there is joy in that.
We do have difficulty in our loses... whether it be a death, divorce, children leaving home, loss of good health, but each is still a loss, and good teachers taught me how to grieve, that's it's ok, it's normal, we have the right to feel sad, and giving ourselves permission helps us go through it and come out of it so much more quickly. Our humanity doesn't like feeling bad, so we naturally tend to push our bad, sad, or mad feelings away but we can only push them deeper into ourselves. The real healing is to allow them, feel them, remember we're only human and we're all ok, doing the best we can today.
The hardest for me is that I feel needy sometimes, and it's the narcisists in my life, who always seem to be there when I am at my worst. But without them I still manage to get through hard times, but feel a whole lot better, getting thru those times, without getting sucked back into the darkness that narcisists can only offer.
According to Dr. Peck, a psychiatrist, with vast experience, even going into the realm of participating in exorcisms, that he includes in his second book, "children of the lie", he believes narcisists, can't be helped, don't want to be helped, and don't beleive they need help. They live in such a world full of lies that their whole identity is a lie, and they don't know it. They are like children, or drunks. You can't reason with them, they can't feel empathy, or put themselves in someone else's shoes. They just don't have the ability too.
They want what they want, and they want it now, and they are masters of manipulation, guilt, and cannot be trusted. If you share something sacred or let them know your soft spots, or buttons that can hurt you, they will. They can appear so kind and so sweet and charming, but they also see themselves as special, and above the law... all laws, including decency, the unspoken laws of how to treat each other, and are not capable of understanding what real love is. It seems like they only love themselves, but it's not real love. It's a love that is so unhealthy, that it can only contaminate and infect those who choose to stay in a relationship or who try to help them overcome their idea of being helpless victims in a world where things just aren't fair.
They want instant gratification, control, usually don't drink or use drugs, because they can't bare not feeling in control of themselves and others. And I beleive they are capable of the greatest and most serious of crimes, when pushed past their limits. They can become very dangerous, and they will do whatever it takes to protect their lies, gather an army of support by spreading lies about those who oppose them, destroy in anyway they can, the lives of people who stand up to them.
Staying engaged only gives them more information to use against you. That's why it's so important to completely ignore them and keep them out of your life, and try to not let them know anything about you. If they can't get what they want, they'll use what they know to destroy what they can't have.
Post a Comment
<< Home