How to avoid Marrying a Jerk by John Van Epp

This is definitely one of the best books that I have read on dating the right person, and eliminating the wrong ones. Epp gives practical advice, don't get too heavily involved too soon, look at their relationship with their family, wait for patterns to emerge, and know what their values, norms, and standards; are just a few of the ideas from this book. While the title may suggest that sometimes we all make mistakes, this book is a much more serious look on how we behave in relationships, and the power we have to stay or walk away from any given relationship.




Epp suggests that we don't get too involved too soon. He does this on a couple of different levels. Suggesting that 3 months is far too soon to make any serious kind of decision when it comes to where to go in a relationship meaning marriage, moving in together, or any other life changing decision. Within three months both parties are still on good behavior and not showing their true self. Within a year you will see patterns emerge, and by the end of two years the tone has been set for the relationship, and you will know how you two work together.




Another aspect of the relationship and moving too fast was his breakdown of trust, intimacy, and commitment. He clearly states not too move to far into one of these three areas, and leave the other two behind. This creates a warped relationship, and this will leave to many problems. If relationships become too intimate too quickly this may leave one partner thinking they have a serious commitment of the other person, and they do not have a serious commitment at all.




Another one of my favorite chapters of the book has to deal with how someone treats others; this could mean the waitress, their mother, their best friend. When you read advice sites everyone says this, but no one explains why this works. People tend to behave in certain patterns. Arguments, happy moments, we all tend to behave in certain ways. For example perhaps someone needs to sulk a bit before they will engage in an argument, or perhaps name calling is the norm for them. The person involved will have tough moments with you, and he will behave at his best and his worst with you. You need to be able to handle this person's worst moments.




This information is in just a few of the book's chapters. As you can see the book is packed with advice that is practical. Many dating advice books are often a couple of trite sayings here and there, and thrown together in a book. John Van Epp far exceeds dating book expectations and gives a book that you can pick up and read many times, gaining a new perspective.

Breaking up, or staying together

I think so many dating relationships reach the point where you come to think do you break up, or stay together. What circumstances or guidelines do you use to judge these things. Reading a book a few months bach, Epp's How not to Marry a Jerk, had one of the most telling or helpful suggesitons in the book. He suggested you should be in synch in three areas for a relationship to work. They are honestly/openess; trust; and intamacy. He suggested that all three areas should be in synch for you to know a relationship is in line. When it is not, the relationship may go sour.

Two out of three, while it aint bad, is like a stool with three legs and one leg is way shorter than the other. Things are always going to be unbalanced, and the party that is more engaged in the relationship than the other is always going to feel on edge, simply because they are on edge. What do you do at this point? If you want to hold on to yourself, and not waste time, you should openly discuss this with someone rather than sitting around waiting, and feeling like you are tolerated rather than being wanted. It is difficult to feel that you are barely tolerated and not wanted. When this is the case, the relationship is can not be sustained.

If you two have been together for awhile, and have had some good times and you may feel that this is only due to a stressful situation at work, or perhaps some emotional immaturity on that other person's side. It may be possible that things can work out, and that relationship can turn back into balance. If after a conversaiton things to do fall back into place it is time to move on.