Lessons in Romance

You aren't the only one

2012-01-15T18:11:00.000-08:00

So, you think you are with a Narcissist? I promise, you aren't the only one who has been with one of these people. Do you realize that 1 in 100 people are a psychopath, and some of these people are narcissist. Chances are you have walk one by one of these people today. What's the difference? Maybe you have had a personal relationship with one. I promise you aren't alone. All you need to do is to read up and see what others have experienced here.

From my personal experience I am here to tell you, that life goes on after this storm that passes through your life. I think that the outright trauma you have experienced with this relationship helps bind you to this relationship. I can tell you that this bind is particularly hard to break. You must break this bind, you really need to drop this relationship. I have never read that there has ever been one of these relationships that have been recoverable. I can't state this enough, you must walk away from this harmful relationship.

Let me know questions that you may have about how to get through a relationship with one of these people. I promise you aren't alone. Many of us have been through a relationship with one of these people, and we all survive, but how well you recover is up to you.

Here is a link that may help you pick out a Narcissist from Facebook.
How to Spot Narcissist on Facebook

Video on Psychopaths

2011-11-24T18:43:00.001-08:00

This is one of the best videos I have seen on psychopaths. This video should help you with dealing with these types of personalities.

I have moved

2009-07-25T12:32:00.000-07:00

Please go to http://www.stephaniemanley.com for new updates.

When to stop a new relationship

2008-12-27T06:02:00.000-08:00

New relationships are always exciting. They are full of new possibilities, they aren't the old relationships, and they are full of untapped potential. All relationship starts aren't smooth. So when do you decide to throw in the towel? I currently have a friend who is starting to date, and I find myself giving her the same advice that she was giving me when I was dating, and I began to think, when do you throw in the towel on someone new?

I think you need to be very objective when you start in a new relationship. You need to realize that is this the point where that other person is showing you their best effort. If their best effort fails to meet your needs you need to move on quickly. For example do they forget to call you when they say they will? Everyone works and sometimes gets busy, but when they consistently forget to call you, do you think it will get any better? It won't, they suddenly won't have a revalation one day and begin to call you all of the time.

Are they sometimes hot and sometime cold towards you? We all want someone that is consistent, they may not be behave exactly like we want, but we shouldn't be surprised in the way they want to be close and then suddenly distance themselves from us. If they are wishy washy, we need to set them to the curb and get off that potential emotional roller coaster.

The time to decide whether a relationship should move forward or stop moving forward is early on. Are you being treated like you want to be? Are your needs for closeness being met? If they are not, move on. You don't owe that person a lengthly explanation, you owe it to yourself to be happy, and not to let another person drag you down.

2008 a year of grief

2008-12-16T20:00:00.000-08:00

2008 is a year I will never forget. It is the year that will define the rest of my life; it is the year where I had the best and the worst of times all within a short period of time. I am a changed person by through this year, currently I can’t say if it is for the best or not, but I have been changed none the less.

Before I start with 2008, I should start with the events that started the whole year. In November, Michael had taken a position with Whirlpool in Benton Harbor, MI. We talked about our future and decided to get married. That meant a couple of options, me moving up there, him continuing to look for work in Houston, or there was another job possibility in Boston that he was exploring. I had decided to look for work in Benton Harbor; this really meant two choices, either Whirlpool, or Leco. I am a financial analyst by trade.

In December Michael moves, he calls most every night chatting with me for an hour or two each night. I score not one, but two job interviews in late December. I didn’t get the job at Whirlpool, but they like me, and pass along my name, and the other interview I am still up for a follow up interview.

We fly back to Houston in his plane, and we celebrate a short Christmas together, it was nice. For New Years, I fly up to Newark, as he does. We spend a few days together for New Years. Towards the end of January I have a second interview at Penske, and then for another job at Whirlpool. I hear that Whirlpool wants to hire me. Yes!

So Michael and I begin to look at houses and rule out things that we don’t like, and things that aren’t overly offensive to either of us. Between both of our specifications we end up with a couple of choices. He puts in an offer on a smallish house on 22 acres complete with a spring, and a fairly large garage. We don’t get this house, because our offer isn’t accepted. We put a bid on another house, and after much wrangling we get the house at the price Michael declared it was worth.

Thankfully between Whirlpool and Michael most everything gets taken care of. I get my car moved up there, and my house stuff gets moved up there too. I drive up to Little Rock Arkansas with 3 cats and a dog for him to pick me up. We quickly get settled into the house; Michael has us unpack everything in a couple of weeks. We saved many boxes to have a big bon fire on July 4th.

Living up there was something that I found difficult. The weather was very cold. One of my cats would hide in a place between the basement ceiling and the upstairs floor. We planted a garden, potatoes, asparagus, tomatoes and all sorts of things. In May we take a quick trip to Las Vegas, and have a fantastic time. I can look at pictures of that time and see we are both very happy.

We go to his parents and have his 40th b-day party. He has a fantastic time. He was joyful, and we had a terrific time in New York City taking a bus tour. We found a dumpling shop down an alley, and had fantastic dumplings and soup. Michael really liked out of the way places to eat, and this one fit the bill. We went grocery shopping and in between the Russian store and the Asian store we filled the plane will all sorts of food. There was only enough room for us and the dog when we flew back to Benton Harbor. I would not know at this time, but it was the last time I would fly in the plane with him.

When we got back from his birthday party, he spent much of his time getting ready for Thomas. Thomas was coming for about a month to get his instrument rating. The plane didn’t handle the cold weather well. He had to work on the plane quite a bit on the weekends and during the evenings. The last weekend was very tense, because when he was focused on something little else came into mind. We had gotten into an argument about how much time was being devoted to the plane. We had decided to have a special dinner that week.

The following Tuesday is a day I will never forget. It started off as the perfect day, we woke up, and we made love, and then had coffee together that morning. He called me about 4 and said he was going to get off from work early, and we could go to dinner early. We met up at Tosi’s. I had told him I really wanted some calamari, and they had the best calamari there. We had a lovely dinner; we had noticed that obviously you needed to be 50 to be there so early for dinner. I had asked him what he thought we would be talking about when we were older. He looked at me, and then looked at another couple, he told me that man was obviously and engineer, and his wife wasn’t. We would look like them, and we would be talking about the same things that we did now. I remember him setting down his fork and remarking “mission calamari accomplished”.

I remember looking at him at that moment and thinking he had changed so much during the time I had known him. He had matured, and he had seemed to be more relaxed with himself. We went out to the parking lot, I kissed him goodbye, and we said we would drink a bottle of wine when we got home. He was in my rear view mirror when I last saw him.

He was running late, I had thought something was wrong like he ran out of gas, or something was a miss with his bike. After about 20 minutes I called him, no answer, I waited another 10 minutes, no answer. I then left the house, when I got to the end of the road it was blocked off, there was an accident, and there was a motorcycle involved. Someone said it was a red bike; Michael’s is black so that’s ok. So I hung around there for a bit, the road was blocked off. So I then decided to drive to the hospital. The other way was blocked too, road construction. At this point I am getting desperate, so I decide to go down random country roads to see if I can get to the hospital.

I call his friend Peter, and he puts in a few calls. I eventually work my way around to the accident. I see the bike, and the saddle bags are blown off the bike. I tell the people who he is and that I am his fiancé, and where is he. They eventually talk to me, and tell me he is alive and heading towards the hospital. He is banged up though. They tell me to be careful. I drive as quickly as I can to the hospital. I talk to Peter again; Michael is in the ER, but talking. He is ok, but hurt.

I get to the hospital, Peter gets there, and we wait, and wait, and wait. It is never a good sign when they ask you to come into a room and arrange chairs for you. The doctor comes in and tells me she is sorry, they did everything they could do. Beyond that, everything else is a blur. She had mentioned that they were talking to his parents, and that she would call his parents. I told her no, I would tell them. I call, and say the words I never wanted to come out of my mouth. I tell his parents that Michael was killed in a motorcycle accident. The other man failed to stop at a stop sign and Michael hit the man killing him instantly.

Peter takes me home, and everything begins to blur. I remember calling Debbie telling her about what happened. I call his parents again, and try to say the details that I can barely remember the doctor telling me, Michael essentially had massive trauma to the right side of his body, and then died of internal bleeding. He fought for two hours to stay alive. I have cursed myself heavily for not being there for him sooner, not being there to hold his hand, to kiss him one last time, or to even caress his face and say something to comfort him during this.

In a day or two I would head out to Newark for the funeral. Michael’s aunt meets me at the airport. She is so kind, and hugs and hugs me. I am a mess. The man I love has just died, died before us getting to get married, and now I am going to see his parents. I was a party to Michael’s lie about having the motorcycle. What would they think of me now? I was upset I couldn’t find all of the pieces to his new suit that I helped pick out for him, and it looked so good on him. I can’t even find matching socks for him.

They welcome me in with open arms. We all cry over Michael. We cry, and cry, and cry. The worst pain in the world that I have seen is when a parent looses a child. I have witnessed this twice in the last few years of my life. I would see Bella and Boris go through this. No words really offer any comfort. Nothing you can say to someone really eases their pain. I am relieved to be there, I have been welcomed into their home.

His family is Jewish so they have this wonderful custom of covering mirrors in the house during mourning. Little sleep, and tear stained faces don’t make for attractive people. We went to the funeral, Bella, Boris, Lev, and I got to see Michael in the casket before it would be closed. We all cry, it is especially touching Bella’s tears caressing Michael’s face. We would all kiss him goodbye.

Jewish funerals are somber, but not over the top. They are respectful of the dead. They are respectful of the mourners as well. I was taken back by the beauty of the ceremony, and the simplicity of it. In my family people would tell you not to cry, they would tell you they are in a better place; no one said anything like that here.

I drove his parents and his uncle out to the graveside. They declined a limo, and I thought that driving them was a service that I could do for them, and for Michael. There was a graveside ceremony as well, and then we got to shovel dirt onto his grave. Shoveling dirt onto someone’s grave is a favor no one can repay you for. I could have never imagined having to do this for someone that I loved, and especially so soon. We had so many plans left unfulfilled.

We went back to the house, and had another prayer service, and then a meal. Again everyone was so kind. I had met much of his family over our previous visits. I was grateful for being allowed to morn as freely as needed. I got to tell some funny stories about Michael, and some things they didn’t know about him. He had several patents that he never spoke about, and other adventures that he was quiet about. A few days later I went back to our house in Michigan.

Going back home was difficult. I had not really made any friends yet, I spent all of my extra time with Michael. Our evenings would be sitting and talking outside and having a bottle of wine, sometimes watching a movie, we even spent a couple of nights writing cat poetry. There was a stray cat running around our property, and he would come up on our porch and meow at us and run off when we went to go see what he wanted.

I had no church home, I never felt comfortable at many of the churches there, and I tried too. I spent the forth of July alone, sitting on the deck looking up at fireworks, and thinking how could Michael have left me like this. I went back to work, for the first few weeks I couldn’t stay the whole day, I would often go outside to the car to cry. I, as I knew it died that day that Michael passed away.

Friends came up to visit, they spaced their visits out, and it was a blessing. Michael’s parents came to the house. In September I went to New Orleans for a quick trip. New Orleans is a place where Michael and I had gone. We went to a couple of Mardi Gras parades, I asked to go to New Orleans for Valentine’s Day, it happened to be Mardi Gras. We had a fantastic trip; we had caught so many beads, and ate so much good food. We had each collected about 20 pounds of beads, and had to carry it around New Orleans, complaining about all of the beads we had. It was a difficult place to go back to. Michael and I had planned to go there in September anyway. It was a bittersweet trip.

During the fall I joined the bowling league. I thought it would get me out of the house, and then I also found a nice church home. There was also a spiritual crisis brewing within me. I had for so long been attracted to Judaism, upon Michael’s death, I read constantly about Judaism, and decided to convert. At work things were going ok, but I had a bad feeling. Business was slowing down, and then by the end of October I found out I was being laid off. I couldn’t believe so much horrible luck/karma/whatever in one year. I spent about a week at the house sitting around pondering my future.

I attended some work readiness classes, and decided to move back to Houston. I began to pack and start looking for a job, my severance package wasn’t great, and my chances for employment as a financial analyst in Benton Harbor Michigan were limited. I drove to Michael’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving. It was a good trip. Bella, his mother spoils my dog with homemade chicken soup in the evenings, and we got to talk and talk about Michael. I got to learn more stories about Michael, and him growing up. I had wished Bella and I was closer before this happened, but I was thankful that we were close now.

In December the moving truck came. My best friend from college was kind enough to come up and help me drive one of the vehicles back. I drove Michael’s truck, it had no heat, and it was a miserable drive. At one point I had a soda freezing in the can while I was drinking it. I had also contracted a case of impetigo, and despite going to the doctor and getting prescription medicine it got worse. When I got to Houston, I simply walked into my old doctor’s office, and said help me. They did ;)

My last week or so has been unpacking, and trying to get my house ready again. I went on three job interviews and got two job offers. So I should be employed again. I find it painful having to go to the places where Michael and I did. The other night, I cried to and from going to dinner with some friends. I still can’t believe what this year has been like. I feel so much older, I feel so changed. I don’t have a heart full of joy like I once did. My friends used to comment on how I could belly laugh; I haven’t done that in months.

I often ponder why I was left, and he was taken. He was in his prime of life, he was happier than he had been in a long time. He was gifted, he was so intelligent, an accomplished private pilot, he had been a skydiver, he was also a man with a large heart, and he could also be the world’s largest curmudgeon. One night we were discussing lawn care, and he told me he changed his entire life for me, and what did I do for him? I have remembered this line so often, and I have thought to myself, I buried you, I moved all of the way across the country to be with you, I left my home, job, and friends, and you died.

Would I have changed anything if I had known this would be the outcome? No. I wouldn’t change one minute. I had a wonderful two years with Michael. We did so many things together, we traveled, we went to Greece, and we went all over the US. We had fantastic times together at parties we threw, and spending time with our friends. I loved that he and I would simply spend a great deal of our time talking about all sorts of things. We talked about so many things; I also found his ideas fascinating, even if I didn’t agree with him.

Being laid off really wasn’t the blow that losing someone that you love so dearly was. It was a relief, I no longer felt obligated to stay in Michigan. I am now backing in my house incorporating Michael’s things into mine. There is plane art in my house; there are pictures of him all over. My heart is very heavy with the pain it carries. I don’t know if I will ever have that abundant joy in my heart that I used to feel there, I feel aged now. I am still young, but I will carry the knowledge and the experiences of Michael with me forever. I am afraid that I will always be very sad about losing him so quickly, and so tragically.

How to get past a bad relationship

2008-09-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

Relationships as you know are hard work, and typically most of us spend a great deal of our time and energy invested in a relationship. This makes it difficult when a relationship breaks apart. Whether this breaks apart due circumstances or even personal conflicts. Bad relationships are even more difficult when they break apart because all of that time and energy is spent there.

Often growing past a relationship means taking an inventory of what brough you into this relationship, and what brought you out of the relationship. Relationships with people that are toxic are more difficult in doing this inventory of what went wrong. When we are involved with someone that is toxic we often change what our natural ways of reacting are in relation to that other person.

So what do you do? Honestly, the best thing you can do is to forgive yourself, chances are you were doing the best that you could, and you made your decisions to stay within that relationship maybe longer than you should have. Forgiveness doesn't need to involve that other person, you really never need to interact with someone that is toxic again, you simply much move forward with yourself.

Forgive yourself often, and for each thing you thought might have led you into that particular relationship. This is the only way you can ever really move past a bad relationship in your life. Simply forgive yourself and move forward and ontward into better relationships in the future.

What's New

2008-09-14T16:14:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I had posted again. What had happened in my life was I had become engaged to a wonderful man, we had moved across the country, and had a fantastic three months before he tragically was killed in a motorcycle accident due to no fault of his own. So I was dealing with the move, a new job, and a dramatic change in my life.

I am now getting back to posting again and hope to have additional postings about relationships once again. I have enjoyed reading many of the comments that many of you have been kind enough to offer.

Stephanie

Karen Writes

2008-05-18T13:40:00.000-07:00

Karen, your posting was a long one, and I wanted to give it full attention. Here is Karen's posting then I will follow with my comments.

Karen said...
Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for this site, and your information. I am truly heartbroken, and I don't know what to do. I believe the man that I love and have pined over for so long is a narcisist. I will provide you with my story/issue, and I welcome your feedback, advice, etc.

Back in 2004 I was going through a separation with my husband at the
time. A fellow co-worker was going through the same with his wife. We
became very good friends and offered each other advice through this
tough
time in our lives. Hence, as we got to know each other more and more,
we fell in love. We began dating each other at the end of 2004 and in
May of 2005 we broke up. I devistated me to no avail. We would still
run
into each other at work, which of course was very awkward. I was
heartbroken. That Oct. (2005) he asked me to dinner, and we talked
about how much we missed each other and we got back together. It was
great!
Well...the following May (2006) out of no where he broke up with me,
saying that he needed his space, needed to figure out what he really
wanted out of life. Again devistation for me. He had since moved from
NY
to
Georgia and we comunicated via e-mail very rarely. This past
November(2007), he contacted me (a year and half later) and was in NY
for his
sister's wedding, and wanted to see me. I was overjoyed. PS - we got
back
together, I'm in NY he is in GA, and asked me to move there, and he
has been saying that he wants to have a life with me, marraige,
children,
etc. He is buying a house, and I went down to help pick out
furnishings
for this house that is being built. He even put my on his life ins.
policy. I was supposed to move there the end of this month (May 2008).
This past weekend, I was really getting nervous (and very emotional
(pms
contributed), and I told him I can't marry him. My reasoning: Because
I love him so deeply, I am affraid that if we got married (Even though
I really want to, and still do), if our marraige ever had problems,
and
God for bid it ended, and/or we got bored of each other (which happens
in marraiges), we would take the risk of hating each other, and never
seeing each other again. My fear got in the way. We are still going
away to
Las Vegas this weekend together, and he still wants me to come and
visit him over the summer. The next day (after I said that I couldn't
get
married), I told him hat I was pms'ing and that I am so sorry. I do
really want to marry
him, but I just need some time to get my bearings. He said that 'that
ship has sailed' and we can't ever get married to each other.

What have I done. I really want to marry this man. I don't want to live
in fear, and I realize it was a mistake what I said. Now, it's too
late.

He cancelled the trip to Vegas, he said that he bought the ring and returned it. He was going to propose to me while in vegas, but because of what I said, he is dropping the whole thing. He said he wants a relationship that doesn't require any 'work', and that maybe in time we can be friends. He said he also couldn't guarentee that he wouldn't run out of the marraige or something down the road, because I am a 'project' (whatever that means). I told him that nobody is perfect, and when you love someone, if there are bumps or hurdles you work them out together. He wants a 'trouble-free' relationship/marraige. I tried explaining to him that when I said I couldn't marry him, I didn't really mean that. What I really meant was that because in the past he kept yo-yo'ing I just didn't want that to happen again.
Now it's Sat. I'm not in vegas, and not with Eric. He broke off everything. I even suggested that I still move down to GA, and we live together and then down the road get married. Nope - he said no. :'-( I am truly heartbroken. Here I have pined over this man for 4 years, I was just about to become his fiance' and I have lost him, and he doesn't even feel the same way, or care for that matter.

Thank you again.
Karen

A lot of these behaviors are much like the narcisist that I had ran into. I will comment on the issue of emotional abuse that was going on. When you spoke about ring, and then the returning of the ring this is textbook from the narcisist that I had dated. I can't tell you how many times he would say oh I was going to do X, but then you did Y, so now I can't do X anymore. These are meaningless words. They only know the strings to pull, and they pull them very well. In your future dealings with this man you will have to learn to ignore this type of behavior. It isn't condusive to anything.
Mine would say oh I was going to get special present for you, but then you frowned at me this morning when you first woke up, so that blew it, but I had been thinking about getting you that special present for a long time. This behavior was so rampant. Ignore it. You know if someone really loved you they would want you to have the things that you wanted and wouldn't make them conditional. With a narcisist, they aren't grounded in reality so why would you even think for a moment that it was true what they had said?
Unfortunately all relationships take work. They often take more work than we feel like we can put into them. Sorry, but this is true. This man wants a relationship that costs nothing to operate, and you know that isn't fair to you. I think what makes narcisists so difficult to get over is they know you well, they know your soft underside, and they know how to take aim there. They are also charismatic, and charming, they don't have many other good qualities. It is really difficult to end relationships mostly because of what we see into them, I think we often see things or bring hopes and dreams into relationships and weave those hopes and dreams into a relationship and they aren't there. It is the hardest thing to let go of what we hoped a relationship could be.

Time heals all

2008-04-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

You know I didn't realize it had been almost a year since the last posting. I have gotten a lot of compliments and comments on the topic of life with a narcissistic person. It has been almost three years since my relationship with this type of person, and I promise to each and everyone of you life goes on. I also understand the pain that many of you express in your comments and emails.

I can honestly say that my relationship with my narcissist was one in which I had many high points, and their were many, many low points. This came home recently when planning a vacation with friends to a place I had been with this particular person. Now I have been back to this vacation spot with other people but there are some moments with that person that have turned into a chuckle now. Did I ever think that would happen? No.

Honestly the turning point in my relationship with that person came from reading about personality disorders and journaling. I journaled every day that I could to track what was going on, what was being said. I also kept all emails and instant message conversations as well. These were important, because I could see in black and white what was being said, and then later just show that person what was being said. This helped me to realize this relationship was not healthly.

My next plan of action was reading up on this disorder, and realizing that you can not make this person better. Any efforts in doing to are completely wasted. In most normal relationships where people care about each other if you tell someone something is bothering them, they are likely to work on things with you. Think about it, would a person that you are involved with said hey stop stepping on my toe it hurts, and you replied no, I want to step where I wanted to. What would the other person think, they would think man, I am not going to continue to be around that person if they are always stepping on my toe. Your relationship with a significant other shouldn't be any different.

Once I realized I couldn't make this person any better, I began to cut my contact with them. It was difficult as he could be as charming as anyone. They have to be, they have nothing else to offer to anyone. The darn thing about it is they have had a lifetime to perfect their charm, and man, they have it. You have to cut yourself off from that person, and not pay them any attention. My particular relationship finally ended after being stalked, harassed by him, and others, when I got the police involved. If necessary I recommend law enforcement.

Then came the healing. It has been a long journey. I have continually tried equipping myself with good knowledge about relationships, and surrounding myself with healthy people. I promise you will eventually get to the point where you don't think about this person constantly. I promise that eventually you can chuckle about the weird things that happened in the relationship, and you will move on.

When a relationship is out of synch

2007-05-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

When a relationship is out of synch
A real key in a relationship to both be on the same footing, and to have the same goals for the relationship. The longer it is for when the relationships are when they are out of synch, the more likely it is for the relationship to become toxic and unsustainable, but what do you do when this happens? You have choices to make, and these can be difficult choices to make in this relationship.

You can choose to remain in status quo, and most likely suffer from this consequence. Like a rubber band we can be stretched for only so long. When you have to operate outside of your personal norms and standards you may the daily grind of the relationship to be more than you can handle. The relationship may have enough payoffs that it makes it ok for you to go on with the relationship. You may get enough return out of this relationship to make this endurable, then again you have an option to end the relationship at any time, or you can even opt to make choices in this relationship later.

You can also choose to end the relationship. This really depends on what you get back out of your partner. Do you get anything positive out of your partner? Do you receive kindness, nurturing, or anything else that makes you feel good? If the negative transactions outweigh the positive ones it may be time to move on. Think of positive transactions as deposits into a checking out, and the negative transactions as deductions in the account. If you are always in the red, chances are you aren’t happy with the relationship and it may be time to move on.

Finally you can choose to make changes in the relationship. You can tell your partner what you are and aren’t happy with in the relationship. You can tell them what you want and desire from the relationship. Keep in mind; you can not bluff when it comes to this. Tell them you want more connectedness, or more time together, or knowing where you stand with them. If they listen, and receive your comments well, and agree to work on these issues, these are good signs. If they do not listen to you, and tell you they aren’t going to change, it is time to move on.

Everyone deserves a relationship that is healthy, mutual and one that you receive positive emotions from the other person. Sometimes we are out of synch in our closeness, and this may be due to ignorance of the other person, a mismatch in timing, or a mismatch in person. You hold the responsibility in driving a relationship where you want it to go. You will receive the type of relationship that you allow to happen. If you are out of step with that other person, strive to place the both of you in the same step and direction. You absolutely deserve a relationship that is rewarding for you.

Life After a Narcisist

2007-05-08T04:02:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, there is life after a narcisist. It may seem like this the relationship with that person will never end, it will. Unfortunately it will happen when they finally realize they will get no more from you. You must take steps to see this happens. You must ignore them, and fail to give them attention no matter what they say, think, do, or claim that they feel. They key in this relationship ending is for you to simply stop supplying them with anything they see that you offer.

Once they finally realize that you are no longer a source of what they want from you, they will move on. It may take awhile, but it will happen. Remember to stay strong and for you to continue to ignore them, and deny them anything they desire from you. If you bend, even a little in this, they will continue to circle back, and get whatever they can from you. Keep in mind these are not rational people that you are dealing with. They are sub-human.

Life without a narcisist in it will be easier. You will be amazed at how you can live your life without so much drama. It will be like night and day once you knock this person out of your life. While it isn't an easy task to do, your life will dramatically improve, and you will be happier after you heal some of the damage that they do. Stay strong, deny them what they desire from you, and eventually they will go away, and your life will return to normal.

How to avoid Marrying a Jerk by John Van Epp

2007-04-30T04:37:00.001-07:00

This is definitely one of the best books that I have read on dating the right person, and eliminating the wrong ones. Epp gives practical advice, don't get too heavily involved too soon, look at their relationship with their family, wait for patterns to emerge, and know what their values, norms, and standards; are just a few of the ideas from this book. While the title may suggest that sometimes we all make mistakes, this book is a much more serious look on how we behave in relationships, and the power we have to stay or walk away from any given relationship.

Epp suggests that we don't get too involved too soon. He does this on a couple of different levels. Suggesting that 3 months is far too soon to make any serious kind of decision when it comes to where to go in a relationship meaning marriage, moving in together, or any other life changing decision. Within three months both parties are still on good behavior and not showing their true self. Within a year you will see patterns emerge, and by the end of two years the tone has been set for the relationship, and you will know how you two work together.

Another aspect of the relationship and moving too fast was his breakdown of trust, intimacy, and commitment. He clearly states not too move to far into one of these three areas, and leave the other two behind. This creates a warped relationship, and this will leave to many problems. If relationships become too intimate too quickly this may leave one partner thinking they have a serious commitment of the other person, and they do not have a serious commitment at all.

Another one of my favorite chapters of the book has to deal with how someone treats others; this could mean the waitress, their mother, their best friend. When you read advice sites everyone says this, but no one explains why this works. People tend to behave in certain patterns. Arguments, happy moments, we all tend to behave in certain ways. For example perhaps someone needs to sulk a bit before they will engage in an argument, or perhaps name calling is the norm for them. The person involved will have tough moments with you, and he will behave at his best and his worst with you. You need to be able to handle this person's worst moments.

This information is in just a few of the book's chapters. As you can see the book is packed with advice that is practical. Many dating advice books are often a couple of trite sayings here and there, and thrown together in a book. John Van Epp far exceeds dating book expectations and gives a book that you can pick up and read many times, gaining a new perspective.

Breaking up, or staying together

2007-04-30T04:34:00.000-07:00

I think so many dating relationships reach the point where you come to think do you break up, or stay together. What circumstances or guidelines do you use to judge these things. Reading a book a few months bach, Epp's How not to Marry a Jerk, had one of the most telling or helpful suggesitons in the book. He suggested you should be in synch in three areas for a relationship to work. They are honestly/openess; trust; and intamacy. He suggested that all three areas should be in synch for you to know a relationship is in line. When it is not, the relationship may go sour.

Two out of three, while it aint bad, is like a stool with three legs and one leg is way shorter than the other. Things are always going to be unbalanced, and the party that is more engaged in the relationship than the other is always going to feel on edge, simply because they are on edge. What do you do at this point? If you want to hold on to yourself, and not waste time, you should openly discuss this with someone rather than sitting around waiting, and feeling like you are tolerated rather than being wanted. It is difficult to feel that you are barely tolerated and not wanted. When this is the case, the relationship is can not be sustained.

If you two have been together for awhile, and have had some good times and you may feel that this is only due to a stressful situation at work, or perhaps some emotional immaturity on that other person's side. It may be possible that things can work out, and that relationship can turn back into balance. If after a conversaiton things to do fall back into place it is time to move on.

Book Review - When Friendships Hurt

2007-01-02T15:01:00.000-08:00

Yager writes a wonderful book on friendships that have gone bad. While not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime, many do, and when friendships start to go sour what do you do? Jan Yager has a clear understanding of what healthy relationships should be, and how they should make you feel, and that you have a responsibility in them. She also has clear guidelines of when friendships start to go badly what can be done.

My favorite part of the book is her short quiz on is the relationship harmful she asks:
1. Is your friend trustworthy
2. Does your friend return your phone calls?
3. Does your friend always keep appointments or meetings and promises?
4. Do other friends praise this friend?
5. Do you enjoy listening to your friend?
6. If you have an opposite-sex friend, and you're both romantically involved with others or married, does your friend's romantic partner know about your friendship?
7. Is your friend someone you're proud of?
8. Is your friendship based on who you both are now, rather than on what you were when you first became friends?
9. After you see your friend, do you fiend yourself thinking, "Wow, I'm glad we're friends?"
10. Does your friend respect your boundaries and your privacy?

She also describes different types of bad friendships and gives suggestions on what you can do to stay in them, or leave the relationship. She does have you ask yourself is the friendship healthy? Was it healthy? Are you up to investing enough into the friendship to make it work again? Most importantly, is the friendship worth saving?

I found her book helpful, and a good guideline on having healthy friendships with others. While this is not a complete book on friendships, it is a good starting point. This book will have you evaluate relationships that may have past their prime, and those relationships that should be salvaged. I would definately recommend this book to anyone that may have nagging questions about friendships that they may have.

When Friendships End

2006-12-26T21:45:00.000-08:00

So often I have asked myself what are the rules when a friendship ends. How long do you try to keep the relationship going? How long do you make attempts to get together? When do you just throw in the towel and move on? Most importantly, how do you emotionally deal with someone that was important to you moving on out of your life.

I have read books on this, and scanned the Internet looking for solid advice to this problem. You know, I haven't found solid and consistent advice. There are many different schools of thought, that people offer: make a clean and pronounced break, or simply allow things to drift and do not say anything, or you can say something about the relationship when you two speak again. All of this advice is extremely conflicting and doesn't really allow for consistent advice.

Some of the best advice I found was it good to let friendships go when the cost of maintaining the relationship became to high. For example, if you are the one that always must arrange you two to get together, and it bothers you, you should let the friendship go. Or it may be something like you have to constantly keep each other in communication or the friendship will die, then you should let it go.

Other advice I have seen is when that person isn't there to support you in times of need it is time to put that friendship on the back burner. Friends should be there to support each other in time of need, and yet, when a person who was a friend may not be there for you during your important times of need, it may be time to let that person go.

I would like to say that it is time to let friendships go when you give more than you receive. I really feel relationships by nature, are often uneven, so that is a hard way to judge a relationship. Once in a relationships class I heard a good explanation for friendships, some friends were there for a lifetime, and others only for a season.

Are they that interested?

2006-06-29T20:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever dated someone, and even though you continued to go out there never really seemed to be anything really “right” or anything really “wrong” with that dating relationship? Some people will tell you everything, and others tell very little with their words. What are the signs someone isn’t that interested in you?

Does this person stay engaged in conversation with you? Or are your conversations one sided and non interactive? If someone is really interested in you, they are interested in communicating with you. The person in question will engage in face-to-face conversations, phone conversation, emails, and other methods of communication. When someone isn’t interested in you, communication will be sparse and minimal. Look for their time spent communicating with you as a gauge of interest.

Does this person appreciate your interests or your unique ways? If they do not, they aren’t interested in you enough to carry on a relationship. You want to have someone that shares, or at least appreciates your personal quirks, hobbies, and characteristics that make you uniquely you. When a person just makes factual comments or remarks that are condescending, it is time to take a pass on this person.

Now women, guys when they really like a girl seem to go out of their way for them. This can mean opening car doors, a door, for you. Look for these little clues to see if their interested is there. Men, does a woman look you in the eye, blush, stroke her hair? If she is doing these things she is really interested in you. For both sexes is this person trying to make physical contact with you? Are they reaching out, touching your arm or anything like that?

Our time is precious and important to us; it is a good idea to spend it with people who care enough about you to treat you well. Life is too short to spend a bunch of time with someone that you don’t click with. If you don’t click with that person, move on! There are lots of little signs that can help you see just how interested a person is in you.

Men - Advice

2006-06-16T09:04:00.000-07:00

This was posted at CopyKat Chat.

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve
then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself
a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about
baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists
of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

BY THE WAY, THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN, SO TAKE A HINT..............
__________________

Be Ms. Right Before Looking for Mr. Right

2006-06-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

Be Ms. Right Before Looking for Mr. Right
By Brooke Brimm

There is a bunch of talk among women about finding Mr. Right, and there
seems to be a common consensus that finding him is a near impossible task. A
Woman who is perceived to have found him is envied and bombarded with
questions as to how she landed him. The problem with this Mr. Right theory is that
it implies that women are automatically Ms. Rights. Unfortunately, this is not true.
We are not all wonderful, innocent, drama-free damsels waiting patiently for our Mr.
Right. It’s hard to admit, but women are capable of doing just as much lying,
cheating, and gaming as men.

If you expect to find a man that is from free from game- playing, lying,
cheating, and deceiving, be committed to being that kind of person yourself. Make a
conscious effort to treat others with respect. Decide to be open and honest with
others, decide to share and give of yourself, and decide to live up to the
truthfulness and righteousness in which you believe. The closer you move toward
becoming Ms. Right the sooner you will attract Mr. Right because people of like
mines, words, and deeds are drawn to one another.

I remember when I realized that the game playing in my life had to stop. I
moved to a new city with the belief that if I got away from the bad influences in my
life (i.e. “no good men”) everything would be great. However, within one month of
living in my new city I had attracted the same old drama. I quickly realized that
although my environment had changed I had stayed the same, and had created all
the same turmoil within a very short period of time.

I began the slow and steady progression toward being a better person. Two
years later I married a great man, and we have been in a twelve- year marriage that
is sincere, respectful, and free of game playing. Not to imply that we have not hurt
each other because we have. It’s hard to avoid hurting each other in any
relationship. However, we come together in respect and honesty to work out our
problems, and try really hard to be the best we can be for each other. We own our
emotions, and share how we feel with the knowledge that it may get ugly at times,
but we can get through it.

Stir it up: Observe how you interact with the men in your life. Think
about what you might be with holding, hiding, sneaking, lying about, cheating, and
the games you may be playing. In your heart, you will recognize right from wrong
because God made it so. The next time you feel like what you are about to do is
wrong do not give in. Do what is right! Then ask yourself what motivated you to
want to do wrong. Why did you feel justified to do the wrong thing? It is not because
you are a bad person it probably has more to do with emotions like fear, anger,
frustration, envy or disappointment. Remember it is okay to feel these emotions
because God made them, but it is not okay to react destructively because of what
you feel.

Brooke Brimm has a Master's degree in Professional Counseling and 8 years of
experience in the field of Human Science. She has been married since 1993 and has
two beautiful daughters. Ms. Brimm authors an ezine, Loves Gumbo, in which she
discusses love, relationships, and friendships in today's society. To join email:
lovesgumbo@comcast.net

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Brooke_Brimm

Workplace Bullies

2006-05-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Another recent find. Workplace Bullies.

Stephanie

Facts

This section is written by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D, author of the book, "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited".

a.. Workplace bullying is also known as "workplace harassment" or "mobbing".

b.. Tim Field of bullyonline.org defines workplace bullying as a "persistent, unwelcome, intrusive behavior of one or more individuals whose actions prevent others from fulfilling their duties."

c.. Workplace bullying is repeatedly attacking someone verbally or physically with the intent of causing hurt, humiliation, belittlement, isolation and discrimination.

d.. Sexual harassment and racial, gender, disability, and age discrimination are also forms of workplace bullying.

e.. The bully can be an employer, peer, subordinate, or even client or supplier.

f.. The typical bully uses aggression and violence to compensate for overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. Some bullies suffer from mental health disorders (such as the Narcissistic, Paranoid and Antisocial personality disorders).

g.. Most bullies lack self-discipline, the ability to pursue long-term goals, or to work in a team. According to the United Kingdom (UK) National Workplace Bullying Advice Line, bullies feel entitled to special treatment, seek attention, lack empathy, are rageful and envious, exploit and then discard their co-workers, and are consummate liars. In other words, bullies are emotionally immature and are exploitative control freaks.

h.. Bullying is a traumatic, stressful experience that often results in the mental breakdown and otherwise ill-health of the victim. Physical and mental health problems, fatigue, low functioning, and even suicide are common. The victims can no longer be productive at work and are sometimes forced to resign even as the bully is rewarded and promoted.

i.. Surveys in the UK, Canada, Australia, Ireland, and the USA indicate that physical violence in the workplace is rare, but one in five workers is exposed to verbal and emotional abuse. The direct and indirect costs - in healthcare, increased workloads, stunted creativity, staff turnover, reduced productivity, absenteeism, and corporate dysfunction - may amount to circa $40 billion in the UK and $200 billion in the United States.

j.. Only few countries - such as Sweden and the United Kingdom - have specific laws which tackle workplace violence, abuse, and bullying.

k.. Workers and employers lack education on how to recognize abuse, curb it, and effectively cope with its aftermath.

l.. Workplace bullying is exacerbated by socially-sanctioned conduct such as denial, narcissism, exploitation, and rampant competition.

Handling tips

a.. Do not be afraid. Believe in nothing whatsoever the bully has been saying to you. A bully works best with LIES and DECEPTION. Do not succumb! You are not the problem, the bully is!

b.. Talk to your family or close friends. Let it out of your head, do not bury it inside. It is good to know that there will be people supporting you.

c.. Keep a record of what has happened, e.g. the words used, the actions taken, the frequency, venue and time. Collect proof. Your records will come in very useful when you want to prove who is the bully or when planning to take legal action.

d.. Talk to a person in high position in the company about what has been going on. If the person refuses to believe in you, talk to the local unions, or employment governing bodies for advice.

e.. You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there. -- Edwin Louis Cole

f.. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

g.. You can get better...or you can get bitter.
-- Anonymous

h.. Courage is mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
-- Mark Twain
Continue with :
Bully surrender shoppe
Child bully

Abusive relationships Tips of All Sorts

2006-05-24T09:58:00.000-07:00

This was an article that I was recently sent. Lots of good advice in here!

Stephanie

This article is contributed by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D, author of the book, "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited".

a.. Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and control.

b.. There are a million ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humor, or consistently tactless - is to abuse. To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.

c.. There are three important categories of abuse:
. OVERT ABUSE
The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.

. COVERT OR CONTROLLING ABUSE
Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment - human and physical.

The bulk of abusive behaviors can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of "being in touch" - another form of control.

To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects - not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other - is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying.

Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal representations.

To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind - being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts ... Nightmarish!

In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial list:

1. UNPREDICTABILITY
The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.

The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of his nearest and dearest - by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behavior. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives - by destabilizing their own.

Tip
----------------------------------------
. Refuse to accept such behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.

2. DISPROPORTIONAL REACTIONS
One of the favorite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).

This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of "justice" meted and judgment passed - on the abuser - are thus guaranteed.

Tip
-------------------------------------
. Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.
. If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

3. DEHUMANIZATION AND OBJECTIFICATION (ABUSE)
People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people - the abuser attacks the very foundations human interaction. This is the "alien" aspect of abusers - they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature.

Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric - that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defenses absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.

Tip
-------------------------------------
. Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.
. If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

. Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

. Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.

4. ABUSE OF INFORMATION
From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim - the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.

Tip
-------------------------------------
. Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.
. Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.

. Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.

5. IMPOSSIBLE SITUATIONS
The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.

Tip
-------------------------------------
. Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.
. Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.

. Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.

6. CONTROL BY PROXY
If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers - in short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses these them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.

Tip
-------------------------------------
. Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.
. Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

7. AMBIENT ABUSE
The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victims adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser - the suffering soul.

Tip
-------------------------------------
. Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.
. You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.

Reader's tips

a.. The best and most daunting advice (from my marriage counselor after she heard the reality of my situation) was to get a restraining order, get a lawyer and get out. Forget trying to convince this guy you once loved, father of your children, that he is abusive. He doesn't accept any negative feedback, you know this. Try to lay low, not provoke any fights until you have a plan in place to have restraining orders (stay away from wife and kids unless she says it's ok) served, preferably when you and the kids are not home. This is what I did and I thank God I listened to professionals, otherwise I would still be miserable and my kids would be witnessing a long, dragged out, ugly mess. DO IT, ask for help, look up ALIVE, (advocates for women) and pray for stength. Get yourself FREE! It's great and it's only been 3 weeks. ...Becky via email, Jan 2004

Continue with :
Book & articles

Abuse is almost entirely about control.

The bulk of abusive behaviors can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control.

Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric - that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defenses absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim - the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause".

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victims adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser - the suffering soul.

- Sam Vaknin

Books & articles
You Can't Say That to Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse - An 8-Step Program - Suzette Haden Elgin. Wiley, 1995.

The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work - Suzette Haden Elgin. Prentice Hall Pr, 2000.

No Visible Wounds : Identifying Non-Physical Abuse of Women by Their Men - Mary Susan Miller. Ballantine Bks, 1996.

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited - Samuel Vaknin. Narcissus Pub, 2003.

The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics (Sage Series on Violence Against Women) - Lundy Bancroft & Jay Silverman. Sage Pub, 2002.

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You - Patricia Evans. Adams Media Corp, 2002.

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing - Beverly Engel. John Wiley & Sons, 2002.

Violent No More: Helping Men End Domestic Abuse -Michael Paymar. Hunter House, 2000.

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You - Susan Forward. HarperCollins, 1998.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men - Lundy Bancroft. Putnam Pub Group, 2002.

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing - Beverly Engel. John Wiley & Sons, 2002.

When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse - Lundy Bancroft. G. P. Putnam's Sons, 2004.

Children Who See Too Much : Lessons from the Child Witness to Violence Project - Betsy McAlister Groves. Beacon Pr, 2003.

Children's Perspectives on Domestic Violence - Audrey Mullender, et al. SAGE Pub, 2002.

Should relationships be reciprocal?

2006-04-16T19:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a one-sided relationship with someone? Have you ever wondered what your role with another person was? Sometimes having the friend that only speaks about themselves, their interests, or what is important leaves you to feeling drained. What do you do? What do you give up to be involved with such a person?

Friendships, as well as romantic relationships are all about being there for another person. Sometimes they are there for you, sometimes you are their support system. What do you do when you realize that you are the one giving, and they are the one taking all of the time? It takes so much away from any person to constantly give. Now you have some options.

You can continue to be a giving person, and continue to stay in the role that you are in. While it may be the easiest, it may not be best choice for you. We all have breaking points, and it is difficult to allow someone to push you to that limit all of the time. If you have a point of stress in your life you can't fix, or you can't eliminate it may eventually drag you down.

Another choice is to confront the person. You can do it in a nice, and loving way. Telling this person what you are sensing may make a change in their actions. You can do this in a humorous way, a serious way, or an unemotional way. You are doing yourself a huge favor by letting that person know, continuing the relationship is difficult for you. By telling someone how you feel, puts the problem back on the other person. So the next time they call, or stop by for a chat, you can end the coversation without the guilt if and when they start their one-sided conversation.

Your next option if great if you don't want the confrontation. Start to scale back on your time involved with the other person. Simply cut phone conversations short, being busy when they need you. You can be less responsive when they talk, most people will get the hing.

One thing I have noticed is that you have to make an active choice when dealing with these people when they become emotional leeches. You need to be true to yourself. If you need to find another friend, while not easy, it is something you should do. If the person just let the friendship/relationship get out of balance, and they are a good person, they will put the relationship right.

How to be involved with a narcissist

2006-04-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

I get asked this alot. How to you be in a relationship with a narcissist at best is difficult. My honestly advice, is to stop. End that relationship, end it as soon as possible. I can't emphasize that no one needs to be in a relationship with a narcissist. Narcissists by nature aren't capable of normal relationships. Do not full yourself into thinking that you can do anything to make the relationship worthwhile, or have any qualities that a relationship with any normal person.

It is a difficult realization that this person you are involved with, isn't a full person. This person at best only projects what they want you to see. They will project that as long as you give them your attention, and they do not feel threatened by the close relationship. Keep in mind, like any great movie with a long run, eventually that movie will stop playing. When it does, your time is up. Do not think for an instant that there is anything you can do, think, feel, or say that will change your run with this person. When they decide its over, end it, and don't look back. If you continue to engage in the relationship, they will only toy with you for entertainment. Stop, and get off that ride, its heart breaking.

Chances are this person will be a completely different person in a relationship with the next person. He will change and morph into what he thinks will get him the best result. You have to realize any relationship that comes on as strong as this as this one did, should be a warning sign. This should be a warning sign that screams out as much as one ever could. Does this person act like everything you ever wanted? Run. A narcissist will morph and change into what he thinks you want. You will be lied and manipulated by someone who has had a lifetime of experience at it. Most people are fooled by this for awhile, don't feel bad if you missed the signs that this person was someone you should have ran from.

If you not married to this person, if you have no children, and no other attachments with this person. Drop them like a hot rock. Eventually they will turn on you. They will attempt to destroy you and play you like you have never been played before. Keep in mind lying to you, manipulating your schedule, finances, and anything else for that matter means nothing to them. The narcissist, simply does not understand or have the capability to understand that other people are real people too.

If this is not the circumstance, and you are tied to this person, by legal matters, I will address what can help in another posting. Truly, if you can, get out this relationship as fast as possible. Run, simply run. You will have to untangle yourself from this relationship. It won't be easy, it will be difficult, just as ending any other relationship. You will heal from this relationship, it will be more difficult than other relationships, you will be better off ending it as soon as possible.

How start breaking free from a narcissist

2006-03-28T05:15:00.000-08:00

How start breaking free from a narcissist

Are you with a narcissist? Does your life feel complicated beyond belief? Is all of your anxiety typically centered around one person? Do you find that person gives you standards that you can’t keep up with, because their standards change all of the time? You may be with a narcissist.

Life is a narcissist is a living hell. One thing is critical though, you must divorce yourself from getting self validation from this person. Secretly this person fears you. They will go out of their way to tear you down. They will tear you down on all fronts, the will not stop. They are compelled to do this. Their actions, while they may feel personal, are not personal.

Realize the narcissist is unable to make those deeper personal connections that normal people make. They are unable to make friendships, and love relationships the rest of the population makes. Instead, they offer interactions that may look like friendships and love relationships, but they are not the same. The narcissist must interact with people to feed their narcissism, but you are only a source to them.

What can you do? You need to learn to step away from the relationship. You must begin to break those ties that bind you together. Breaking this type of relationship can be very difficult, it may feel impossible. To save yourself you must learn to distance yourself from this person. This can be something as simple as realizing their put downs, their rages, and their fits are not personal. When the person acts up, you need to learn how to deflect their actions. Whether this means walking away, not responding, or another action, it is important that you do not feed into their misbehavior.

It is critical that you realize that in dealing with a narcissist, they are not normal people. It is unlikely that they can ever be reformed into normal people. You will have set your own boundaries and protective walls around yourself from that person. Once you start this, you will have more power in your situation with your narcissist. Ideally, one day you should walk away from the relationship, and no longer have any contact with this person. Breaking free of your narcissist can be done.

What do you exchange for friendship?

2006-03-25T05:32:00.000-08:00

What do you exchange for friendship? by Stephanie Manley

Have you ever thought about what you exchange of yourself in a relationship with someone else? What part of you do you hold back, or what parts do you share? How do you know your being received? Often I have asked myself these very questions. These questions apply in romantic as well as platonic relationships. What do you give up to be with someone else?

Ideally perfect relationships should happen all of the time, but they do not. How often do we long for friends that we are totally in synch with? There are times when I long for friendships that I had growing up, when it was easy to unite over a common cause, and bond together. Now, we all have our own lives, different interests, jobs, and other competing energies that take away the ability to draw upon this bonding force that we used to have. If you find those that you are compatible with, your lucky, so often we find people that we are semi-bonded to, or semi attracted to, what do you do then?

Know thyself. I feel for you to enjoy relationships for what they are, whether it is a casual dating relationship, a friendship, and someone you have coffee with at times, you really need to know where you begin and end. It is so easy to get pulled into someone else’s life, but often that is at a price. While getting drawn into someone’s life isn’t always a bad thing, I don’t think it is meant for us to be pulled into the life of everyone that we meet.

Is the person that you are spending time with on the same level as you? Do you share common beliefs and values? One recent example in my life, of this was, I was recently with someone that was obviously very materialistic, now we all are to some degree. This person always had to like the most expensive item, or brag constantly about their desires or things they wished that they had. It eventually became so exhausting, I had to forgo that person any longer. Their need to show they were affluent, culturally aware, and stable, trumped any concern they had for me as an individual.

Do you feel good about the interactions that you have with the other person? If not, you should learn to limit contact, and seek companionship that is beneficial for both parties. There is simply no reason to allow someone else to take away any of your happiness because life is too short.

A bit of a break here

2006-03-25T05:17:00.000-08:00

Greetings to all,

I have had a bit of a break here. I have had a couple things going on in my life lately. Unfortunately my Grandfather passed away, I miss him dearly. I also had returned from a live long dream vacation. Isn't it ironic what life hands you at the same time.

I look forward to getting back to writing!

Stephanie

Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser

2006-03-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

"The Loser"
Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser
Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

Introduction

Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, "the honeymoon" of the relationship, it's difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. There are a variety of "bad choices" that may be encountered each week - most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled "The Loser".

"The Loser" is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. "The Loser" has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of "The Loser", women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.

The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of "The Loser" and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with "The Loser" in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present - it's not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by "The Loser" if you stay in the relationship.

1. Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.

2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

3. Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

5. Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up - unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they're gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area - as though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's just date one more month!"

They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you'll keep them so they don't have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.

9. No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

10. Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren't home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.

11. Public Embarrassment In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser".

12. It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

13. Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.

14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.

15. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way.

16. The Waitress Test It's been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap - you'll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment - that's how they'll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt - hit the road.

17. The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.

18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

20. They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done.

Guidelines for Detachment

Separating from "The Loser" often involves three stages: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection.

The Detachment

During this part of separating from "The Loser", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Loser" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Loser" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should...

- Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Loser" works.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Loser" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.

- If "The Loser" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Loser".

- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".

- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Loser" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Loser" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Loser" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.

- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Loser" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.

- As "The Loser" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.

Ending the Relationship

Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.

- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.

- If "The Loser" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.

- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.

- "The Loser" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.

- Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.

- Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.

- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.

- Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.

- Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.

Follow-up Protection

"The Loser" never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, "The Loser" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Loser" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon. "The Loser" rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated. During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:

- Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Loser" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.

- Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Loser", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again.

- Don't offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy.

- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty.

- In any contact with the ex "Loser", provide only a status report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it."

- When "The Loser" tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While "The Loser" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us." Remember - nothing personal!

- Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Loser" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal.

Scent matters

2006-01-31T18:57:00.000-08:00

Check out this article about romance and the nose at psychology today!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-3512.html

When dating someone how much should you sacrifice of yourself?

2006-01-29T19:06:00.000-08:00

A situation came up this weekend, that made me think of this question. While often we give up large parts of ourselves when we are in a relationship, I have to wonder how much is enough, too much, or not enough. Should we allow ourselves to be pushed in different directions and if so, how much. I have often felt at a loss to much is the right amount.

First let me relate a story to you, about this weekend. I do come cycling, and I was around a couple that also do some cycling. Well, one of the partners is an avid cyclist, and the other is not. The other has been out once before, and her partner talked her into signing up for 40 miles out on her first day. I felt the need to do some serious intervention this weekend, as I thought that was excessive for someone who is not in shape. She would later opt to do the shorter 20 mile route, but her comment was, I don’t want to disappoint him. Personally I have been cycling for awhile, and I can’t quite crack 40 miles, and assumed she couldn’t either. I should also add, this person was not in good physical shape, and had not been on any sort of exercise program.

Which lead me to think, why would your put yourself in a position to push your body beyond its normal limits for someone? Does riding an extra 20 miles show love? Does the extra mileage show commitment? What type of dynamic between two people is there when one pushes the other beyond their limit, and why in the world would someone ask in the first place?

Love should be tender, kind, caring, and looking out for the other person. I do not feel that healthy relationships should endanger their partner in anyway. Whether your violating physical, emotional, or mental boundaries of a person should make no difference. If you are really caring towards your partner, their comfort level should factor into play. Actually it should factor, and then those factors should immediate be put into play.

This whole episode really brought home to me, what is a caring and loving relationship. Personally I want my partner to be around for a long time. I do not want to push them beyond their limits. It is offensive whether a person is invading your space when you stand in line at a grocery store, or an elevator. Why wouldn’t it be any different if someone who claims to love and adore you tries to encroach in your personal physical, and emotional boundaries? I do not feel there is a difference, and if your with a person that wants to ride along your personal boundaries, and push you past your limits, perhaps, you should walk away.

How to reject a Narcisstist

2006-01-26T14:29:00.000-08:00

How to reject a narcissist

There are many good ways to reject a narcissist. You may want to use this as a weapon in dealing with one as they continually wage relationship warfare. Narcissist thrive off of relationships that hey can manipulate through rejecting their partner. They reject their partner in a variety of ways. Typically the narcissist uses verbal abuse techniques such as ignoring, passive aggressive tactics, and inciting their partner, so that their partner looses that comfortable footing they often have in a relationship. In most relationships it is ok to argue and have differing opinions that your mate, keep in mind this is not the case with a narcisstic personality. A narcissist must always feel that they should be in control.

Your tools in dealing with the narcissist are similar to what they use on you. When they choose to ignore you, walk away, tell them that you will talk to them when they feel like it. To do this you are not buying into their abusive technique of controlling the conversation. You need to just walk away, go see a movie, leave, and do not engage them again until they want to talk. You can say something like, I see you do not want to talk, I respect your choice and I will talk to you when you are ready. Since you are not engaging in their dance you are in control and they will break down and talk to you again. The key is to wait it out.

When they try to engage you in an argument, of which you know the inevitable outcome will be to reject you and your opinion, is simply not to voice an opinion. Tell them you appreciate their idea, and leave it at that. Do not engage in further conversation regarding what they want to argue about. You can simple say you are probably right, and leave it at that. They are validated, and you haven't agreed with them. The key here is you using self control. Remember these people at times are nothing more than spoiled children that are about to have a tantrum do not engage.

Another technique to use, and to use sparingly is to rage, I mean RAGE. When they yell, yell more. You can not use this tactic very often, use it only in cases of emergency. Go nuts, what ever they do towards you, do it back at them. They are afraid, very afraid of being rejected in their core. When you rage this triggers this feeling. Once again, do not use often and hold back on this.

Narcissists are difficult people to be in relationships with. A narcissist may be your mate, your lover, or even your family member. Unfortunately they look like other people on the outside, but you have to remember these people are different. You can not engage in a relationship with someone who suffers from narcissism without changing your ground rules. They are unlike other people, do not use the same rules that you use with normal people. Use different ones. This will not make your relationship with the narcissist easier or even improve it, but it may make your time with that person bearable.

Why is it so hard to let go of a destructive person

2006-01-25T20:27:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard?

Relationships with difficult people, or even a narcisst leaves you so much more involved than a relationship with a more normal person. When those relationships break off it is more than the relationship that you break, you also let the dream die that the relationship had any possibility for a normal, healthy relationship. It is the realization of this that eats at our core.

Not only do you have the pain and angst of a relationship dying, you have the awful realization that you were involved with a person that was bad for you. There may have been times an points during that relationship when you knew things were going badly, but stayed in the relationship for the possible payoff that it may have had at times, or simply the possibility of a good payoff.

The payoff may have been something as simple as a good evening out with your mate, or it may have been something far more reaching, like marriage. It is always frustrating when dreams die. You may have been involved with this person for a long or possibly a short time. We carry our dreams from relationship to relationship so those dreams we may have associated with that person are far more deep rooted than our time involved with that person.

It may seem at times to let go of that person is the most difficult thing to do in the world. How do you stop thinking about them? How do you stop thinking about the dreams that you may have shared with that other person? You must simply cast off that person and let go when the relationship ends.

Try to visualize something that breaks. Think of your relationship as a pebble that you hold in your hand. As you toss it into a lake you see the ripples that it makes. Those ripples may make waves that wash over your feet, but realize that time has passed. Sometimes we need to let go of one thing, so we can hold something else in our hands.

Creativity tied to sexual 'success'

2005-12-12T07:46:00.000-08:00

By Amy Norton
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Artists may indeed have a more active love life than most of us -- and part of the reason may be their tendency toward a certain schizophrenia-linked personality trait, a study suggests.

In a survey of 425 British adults, researchers found that serious poets and visual artists generally had more sexual partners than those who were either not artistic or only dabbled in the arts.

Further analysis showed that one personality dimension -- a tendency toward "unusual" thoughts and perceptions -- was related to both creativity and sexual success.

That tendency is also seen in people with schizophrenia. And the findings, according to the study authors, may help explain why schizophrenia -- a mental disorder that often runs in families -- has not been extinguished from the gene pool.

Certain schizophrenia-related personality traits, they speculate, may confer benefits when they are not part of a mental illness. When they instead spur creativity, for example, they may offer a mating advantage, according to the researchers, led by Daniel Nettle, a psychologist at the University of Newcastle.

He and colleague Helen Keenoo report their findings in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society.

Artists, from 18th Century poets to 21st Century musicians, have a well-earned reputation for leading busy romantic lives. But until now, there had never been a systematic comparison to document the phenomenon, Nettle told Reuters Health.

There have, though, been studies showing that creative types have higher-than-average rates of schizophrenia in their families, and that they themselves have a heightened tendency toward schizophrenia-like traits.

Schizophrenia itself has a strong genetic component, and since people with the disorder suffer poor overall health and have a low likelihood of having children, evolution should have lead to the disappearance of traits that predispose to schizophrenia.

But it has not. And some researchers have speculated that the link between schizophrenic traits and creativity -- a positive effect -- could be one reason.

In the new study, participants disclosed the number of sexual partners they'd had as adults and answered questions that gauge four schizophrenia-related personality dimensions.

One is the tendency toward "unusual experiences," defined as atypical thoughts or perceptions, or "magical thinking." This trait, the study found, was more common in serious artists, and people who scored high on the unusual-experiences front also tended to have more sexual partners.

The findings, according to Nettle, suggest that unusual thinking and perceptions, when operating in a healthy person, spur creativity and, in turn, may make a person more attractive.

"Successful creative types are signaling that they have unusual mental qualities that can command the attention of others, and as such, they are likely to bear or sire us children who can do the same," he explained.

Coupled with other traits, however - such as disorganized thoughts and concentration problems, and social withdrawal -- this feature may make a person vulnerable to schizophrenia. In this study, these other traits were either unrelated to creativity and sexual activity or tended to hinder both.

SOURCE: Proceedings of the Royal Society, November 2005.

Excellent Website

2005-12-11T18:06:00.000-08:00

The following is a great website for and about relationships.

http://www.coping.org/relations/content.htm

When you love an addict

2005-12-08T17:06:00.000-08:00

When you love an addict
By Stephanie Manley

One of the hardest things you can ever do is to love an addict. Addiction is a vicious and an all influencer that very few relationships can survive. The addiction whether it is drugs, food, alcohol, or even the internet really doesn’t matter because that desire that your loved one will have will over shadow all.
Loving an addict leaves you feeling empty and very alone.

Realize that the addition will over shadow all aspects in your relationship with the other person. When someone is consumed with an addiction that addiction comes before everything else. Your loved one does care, but realize that your loved one has something else that is more pervasive in their life. They still love you, but the nature of an addiction will place the desire and need to feed their addiction as the primary force in their life.

You will be faced with the choice of trying to compensate for them in their relationship. This may be trying to explain why they are late, why they are unprepared, and why your mate may be distracted. Eventually this will leave you feeling exhausted and empty. It will be at this point you will need to determine if you are receiving positive qualities out of the relationship.

It is important to be supportive of your partner’s recovery if that is what they want to do. If they do not want to recover, your best option is not to continue to explain why your mate can not cope with life as they normally would. You do not want to enable their misguided behavior; this will make it easier for them to continue their addition.

You may be faced with putting aside the relationship if their addiction grows to be too great. For some couples this realization is enough to help the addict reel in their addiction for others, they will simply part ways. A relationship with someone who has an addiction is worse than a relationship with someone who is involved with another person, as you do not lose your loved one to someone else; you lose them to their self.

The Pathology of Love

2005-11-29T07:14:00.000-08:00

Here is a great article I found. Every wonder why you feel a little crazy when you are in love?

Stephanie

The Pathology of Love
By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

Recent studies buttress the unpalatable truth that falling in love is, in some ways, indistinguishable from a severe pathology. Behavior changes are reminiscent of psychosis and, biochemically speaking, passionate love closely imitates substance abuse. Appearing in the BBC series Body Hits on December 4, Dr. John Marsden, the head of the British National Addiction Center, said that love is addictive, akin to cocaine and speed. Sex is a "booby trap", intended to bind the partners long enough to bond.

Using functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI), Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki of University College in London showed that the same areas of the brain are active when abusing drugs and when in love. The prefrontal cortex - hyperactive in depressed patients - is inactive when besotted. How can this be reconciled with the low levels of serotonin that are the telltale sign of both depression and infatuation - is not known.

The initial drive - lust - is brought on by surges of sex hormones, such as testosterone and estrogen. These induce an indiscriminate scramble for physical gratification. Attraction transpires once a more-or-less appropriate object is found (with the right body language and speed and tone of voice) and is tied to a panoply of sleep and eating disorders.

A recent study in the University of Chicago demonstrated that testosterone levels shoot up by one third even during a casual chat with a female stranger. The stronger the hormonal reaction, the more marked the changes in behavior, concluded the authors. This loop may be part of a larger "mating response". In animals, testosterone provokes aggression and recklessness. The hormone's readings in married men and fathers are markedly lower than in single males still "playing the field".

Helen Fisher of Rutger University suggests a three-phased model of falling in love. Each stage involves a distinct set of chemicals. The BBC summed it up succinctly and sensationally: "Events occurring in the brain when we are in love have similarities with mental illness".

Moreover, we are attracted to people with the same genetic makeup and smell (pheromones) of our parents. Dr Martha McClintock of the University of Chicago studied feminine attraction to sweaty T-shirts formerly worn by males. The closer the smell resembled her father's, the more attracted and aroused the woman became. Falling in love is, therefore, an exercise in proxy incest and a vindication of Freud's much-maligned Oedipus and Electra complexes.

Writing in the February 2004 issue of the journal NeuroImage, Andreas Bartels of University College London's Wellcome Department of Imaging Neuroscience described identical reactions in the brains of young mothers looking at their babies and in the brains of people looking at their lovers.

"Both romantic and maternal love are highly rewarding experiences that are linked to the perpetuation of the species, and consequently have a closely linked biological function of crucial evolutionary importance" - he told Reuters.

This incestuous backdrop of love was further demonstrated by psychologist David Perrett of the University of St Andrews in Scotland. The subjects in his experiments preferred their own faces - in other words, the composite of their two parents - when computer- morphed into the opposite sex.

Contrary to prevailing misconceptions, love is mostly about negative emotions. As Professor Arthur Aron from State University of New York at Stonybrook has shown, in the first few meetings, people misinterpret certain physical cues and feelings - notably fear and thrill - as (falling in) love. Thus, counterintuitively, anxious
people - especially those with the "serotonin transporter" gene - are more sexually active (i.e., fall in love more often).

Obsessive thoughts regarding the Loved One and compulsive acts are also common. Perception is distorted as is cognition. "Love is blind" and the lover easily fails the reality test. Falling in love involves the enhanced secretion of b-phenylethylamine (PEA, or the "love chemical") in the first 2 to 4 years of the relationship.

This natural drug creates an euphoric high and helps obscure the failings and shortcomings of the potential mate. Such oblivion - perceiving only the spouse's good sides while discarding her bad ones - is a pathology akin to the primitive psychological defense mechanism known as "splitting". Narcissists - patients suffering from the Narcissistic Personality Disorder - also Idealize romantic
or intimate partners. A similar cognitive-emotional impairment is common in many mental health conditions.

The activity of a host of neurotransmitters - such as Dopamine, Adrenaline (Norepinephrine), and Serotonin - is heightened (or in the case of Serotonin, lowered) in both paramours. Yet, such irregularities are also associated with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and depression.

It is telling that once attachment is formed and infatuation gives way to a more stable and less exuberant relationship, the levels of these substances return to normal. They are replaced by two hormones (endorphins) which usually play a part in social interactions (including bonding and sex) - Oxytocin (the "cuddling chemical") and Vasopressin. Oxytocin facilitates bonding. It is released in the mother during breastfeeding, in the members of the couple when they spend time together - and when they sexually climax.

Love, in all its phases and manifestations, is an addiction, probably to the various forms of internally secreted norepinephrine, such as the aforementioned amphetamine-like PEA. Love, in other words, is a form of substance abuse. The withdrawal of romantic love has serious mental health repercussions.

A study conducted by Dr. Kenneth Kendler, professor of psychiatry and director of the Virginia Institute for Psychiatric and Behavioral Genetics, and others, and published in the September issue of Archives of General Psychiatry, revealed that breakups often lead to depression and anxiety.

Still, love cannot be reduced to its biochemical and electrical components. Love is not tantamount to our bodily processes - rather, it is the way we experience them. Love is how we interpret these flows and ebbs of compounds using a higher-level language. In other words, love is pure poetry.

==============================================================
AUTHOR BIO (must be included with the article)

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant
Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West
Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician,
Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a
United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and
the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in
The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government
of Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com

Quick Update

2005-11-19T06:30:00.000-08:00

I have taken off a little time in getting ready for the holidays. I have also decided not to allow any more comments. While lots of you read the postings, very few post legtimate comments. Comments from those who are just trying to sell their website isn't quite what I had in mind.

Happy Hoildays!
Stephanie

The Soul of the Narcissist

2005-11-04T05:18:00.000-08:00

May you never have a relationship with one of these people. This is an excellent, and long article regarding a relationship with a Narcissist.

Stephanie

The Soul of the Narcissist

By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

CHAPTER FIVE:

THE NARCISSIST AND THE OPPOSITE SEX

This chapter deals with the male narcissist and with
his "relationships" with women.

It would be correct to substitute one gender for another. Female
narcissists treat the men in their lives in a manner
indistinguishable from the way male narcissists treat "their" women.
I believe that this is the case with same sex partners.

To re-iterate, Primary Narcissistic Supply (PNS) is any kind of NS
provided by people who are not "meaningful" or "significant" others.
Adulation, attention, affirmation, fame, notoriety, sexual
conquests – are all forms of PNS.

Secondary NS (SNS) emanates from people who are in repetitive or
continuous touch with the narcissist. It includes the important
roles of Narcissistic Accumulation and Narcissistic Regulation,
among others.

Narcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The
cerebral ones regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have
to do in order to keep their Source of Secondary Supply. The somatic
narcissist treats women as objects and sex as a means to obtaining
Narcissistic Supply.

Moreover, many narcissists tend to frustrate women. They refrain
from having sex with them, tease them and then leave them, resist
flirtatious and seductive behaviours, and so on. Often, they invoke
the existence of a girlfriend/fiancée/spouse as the "reason" why
they cannot have sex or develop a relationship. But this is not out
of loyalty and fidelity in the empathic and loving sense. This is
because they wish (and often succeed) to sadistically frustrate the
interested party.

But, this pertains only to cerebral narcissists – not to somatic
narcissists and to histrionics (Histrionic Personality Disorder –
HPD) who use their body, sexuality, and seduction/flirtation to
extract Narcissistic Supply from others.

Narcissists are misogynists. They team up with women who serve as
Sources of SNS (Secondary Narcissistic Supply). The woman's chores
are to accumulate past Narcissistic Supply (by witnessing the
narcissist's "moments of glory") and release it in an orderly manner
to regulate the fluctuating flow of Primary Supply and compensate in
times of deficient supply.

Otherwise, cerebral narcissists are not interested in women.

Most of them are asexual (desire sex very rarely, if at all). They
hold women in contempt and abhor the thought of being really
intimate with them. Usually, they choose for partners submissive
women whom they disdain for being well below their intellectual
level.

This leads to a vicious cycle of neediness and self-contempt ("How
come I am dependent on this inferior woman"). Hence the abuse. When
Primary NS is available, the woman is hardly tolerated, as one would
reluctantly pay the premium of an insurance policy.

Narcissists of all stripes do regard the "subjugation" of an
attractive woman to be a Source of Narcissistic Supply, though.

Such conquests are status symbols, proofs of virility, and they
allow the narcissist to engage in "vicarious" narcissistic
behaviours, to express his narcissism through the "conquered" women,
transforming them into instruments at the service of his narcissism,
into his extensions. This is done by employing defence mechanisms
such as Projective Identification.

The narcissist believes that being in love is actually merely going
through the motions. To him, emotions are mimicry and pretence. He
says: "I am a conscious misogynist. I fear and loathe women and tend
to ignore them to the best of my ability. To me they are a mixture
of hunter and parasite."

Most male narcissists are misogynists. After all, they are the
warped creations of women. Women gave birth to them and moulded them
into what they are: dysfunctional, maladaptive, and emotionally
dead. They are angry at their mothers and, by extension at all women.

The narcissist's attitude to women is, naturally, complex and multi-
layered but it can be described using four axes:

The Holy Whore
The Hunter Parasite
The Frustrating Object of Desire
Uniqueness Roles
The narcissist divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it
difficult to have sex
("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable", "degrading") with feminine
significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and
intimacy are mutually exclusive rather than mutually expressive
propositions.

Sex is reserved to "whores" (all other women in the world). This
division resolves the narcissist's constant cognitive dissonance ("I
want her but…", "I don't need anyone but…"). It also legitimises his
sadistic urges (abstaining from sex is a major and recurrent
narcissistic "penalty" inflicted on female "transgressors"). It
tallies well with the frequent idealisation-devaluation cycles the
narcissist goes through. The idealised females are sexless, the
devalued ones – "deserving" of their degradation (sex) and the
contempt that, inevitably, follows thereafter.

The narcissist believes firmly that women are out to "hunt" men by
genetic predisposition. As a result, he feels threatened (as any
prey would). This, of course, is an intellectualisation of the real
state of affairs: the narcissist feels threatened by women and tries
to justify this irrational fear by imbuing them with "objective",
menacing qualities. This is a small detail in a larger canvass. The
narcissist "pathologises" others in order to control them.

The narcissist believes that, once their prey is secured, women
assume the role of "body snatchers". They abscond with the male's
sperm, generate an endless stream of demanding and nose dripping
children, financially bleed the men in their lives to cater to their
needs and to the needs of their dependants.

Put differently, women are parasites, leeches, whose sole function
is to suck dry every man they find and tarantula-like decapitate him
once no longer useful. This, of course, is exactly what the
narcissist does to people. Thus, his view of women is a projection.

Heterosexual narcissists desire women as any other red-blooded male
does or even more so due to their special symbolic nature in the
narcissist's life. Humbling a woman in acts of faintly sado-
masochistic sex is a way of getting back at mother. But the
narcissist is frustrated by his inability to meaningfully interact
with women, by their apparent emotional depth and powers of
psychological penetration (real or attributed) and by their
sexuality.

Women's incessant demands for intimacy are perceived by the
narcissist as a threat. He recoils instead of getting closer. The
cerebral narcissist also despises and derides sex, as we said
before. Thus, caught in a seemingly intractable repetition complex,
in approach-avoidance cycles, the narcissist becomes furious at the
source of his frustration. Some narcissists set out to do some
frustrating of their own. They tease (passively or actively), or
they pretend to be asexual and, in any case, they turn down, rather
cruelly, any feminine attempt to court them and to get closer.

Sadistically, they tremendously enjoy their ability to frustrate the
desires, passions and sexual wishes of women. It makes them feel
omnipotent and self-righteous. Narcissists regularly frustrate all
women sexually – and significant women in their lives both sexually
and emotionally.

Somatic narcissists simply use women as objects and then discard
them. They masturbate, using women as "flesh and blood aides". The
emotional background is identical. While the cerebral narcissist
punishes through abstention – the somatic narcissist penalises
through excess.

The narcissist's mother kept behaving as though the narcissist was
and is not special (to her). The narcissist's whole life is a
pathetic and pitiful effort to prove her wrong. The narcissist
constantly seeks confirmation from others that he is special – in
other words that he is, that he actually exists.

Women threaten this quest. Sex is "bestial" and "common". There is
nothing "special or unique" about sex. Women's sexual needs threaten
to reduce the narcissist to the lowest common denominator: intimacy,
sex and human emotions. Everybody and anybody can feel, copulate and
breed. There is nothing in these activities to set the narcissist
apart and above others. And yet women seem to be interested only in
these pursuits. Thus, the narcissist emotionally believes that women
are the continuation of his mother by other means and in different
guises.

The narcissist hates women virulently, passionately and
uncompromisingly. His hate is primal, irrational, the progeny of
mortal fear and sustained abuse. Granted, most narcissists learn how
to disguise, even repress these untoward feelings. But their hatred
does swing out of control and erupt from time to time.

To live with a narcissist is an arduous and eroding task.
Narcissists are infinitely pessimistic, bad-tempered, paranoid and
sadistic in an absent-minded and indifferent manner. Their daily
routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions,
moodiness and rage.

The narcissist rails against slights true and imagined. He alienates
people. He humiliates them because this is his only weapon against
his own humiliation wrought by their indifference. Gradually,
wherever he is, the narcissist's social circle dwindles and then
vanishes.

Every narcissist is also a schizoid, to some extent. A schizoid is
not a misanthrope. The narcissist does not necessarily hate people –
he simply does not need them. He regards social interactions as a
nuisance to be minimised.

The narcissist is torn between his need to obtain Narcissistic
Supply (from human beings) – and his fervent wish to be left alone.
This wish springs from contempt and overwhelming feelings of
superiority.

There are fundamental conflicts between dependence, counter-
dependence and contempt, neediness and devaluation, seeking and
avoiding, turning on the charm to attract adulation and reacting
wrathfully to the minutest "provocations". These conflicts lead to
rapid cycling between gregariousness and self-imposed ascetic
seclusion.

Such an unpredictable but always bilious and festering ambience,
typical of the narcissist's "romantic" liaisons is hardly conducive
to love or sex. Gradually, both become extinct. Relationships are
hollowed out. Imperceptibly, the narcissist switches to asexual co-
habitation.

But the vitriolic environment that the narcissist creates is only
one hand of the equation. The other hand involves the woman herself.

As we said, heterosexual narcissists are attracted to women, but
simultaneously repelled, horrified, bewitched and provoked by them.
They seek to frustrate and humiliate them. Psychodynamically, the
narcissist probably visits upon them his mother's sins – but such
simplistic explanation does the subject great injustice.

Most narcissists are misogynists. Their sexual and emotional lives
are perturbed and chaotic. They are unable to love in any true sense
of the word – nor are they capable of developing any measure of
intimacy. Lacking empathy, they are unable to offer to their
partners emotional sustenance.

Do narcissists miss loving, would they have liked to love and are
they angry with their parents for crippling them in this respect?

To the narcissist, these questions are incomprehensible. There is no
way they can answer them. Narcissists have never loved. They do not
know what is it that they are supposedly missing. Observing it from
the outside, love seems to them to be a risible pathology.

Narcissists equate love with weakness. They hate being weak and they
hate and despise weak people (and, therefore, the sick, the old and
the young). They do not tolerate what they consider to be stupidity,
disease and dependence – and love seems to consist of all three.
These are not sour grapes. They really feel this way.

Narcissists are angry men – but not because they never experienced
love and probably never will. They are angry because they are not as
powerful, awe inspiring and successful as they wish they were and,
to their mind, deserve to be. Because their daydreams refuse so
stubbornly to come true. Because they are their worst enemy. And
because, in their unmitigated paranoia, they see adversaries
plotting everywhere and feel discriminated against and
contemptuously ignored.

Many of them (the borderline narcissists) cannot conceive of life in
one place with one set of people, doing the same thing, in the same
field with one goal within a decades-old game plan. To them, this is
the equivalent of death. They are most terrified of boredom and
whenever faced with its daunting prospect, they inject drama or even
danger into their lives. This way they feel alive.

The narcissist is a lonely wolf. He is a shaky platform, indeed, on
which to base a family, or plans for the future.

A good point of departure would be jealousy, or rather, its
pathological form, envy.

The narcissist becomes anxious when he grows aware of how
romantically jealous (possessive) he is. This is a peculiar
response. Normally, anxiety is characteristic of other kinds of
interactions with the opposite sex where the possibility of
rejection exists. Most men, for instance, feel anxious before they
ask a woman to have sex with them.

The narcissist, in contrast, has a limited and underdeveloped
spectrum of emotional reactions. Anxiety characterises all his
interactions with the opposite sex and any situation in which there
is a remote possibility that he would be rejected or abandoned.

Anxiety is an adaptive mechanism. It is the internal reaction to
conflict. When the narcissist envies his female mate he is
experiencing precisely such an unconscious conflict.

Jealousy is (justly) perceived as a form of transformed aggression.
To direct it at the narcissist's female partner (who stands in for
the Primary Object, his mother) is to direct it at a forbidden
object. It triggers a strong feeling of imminent punishment – a
likely abandonment (physical or emotional).

But this is merely the "surface" conflict. There is yet another
layer, much harder to reach and to decipher.

To feed his envy, the narcissist exercises his imagination. He
imagines situations, which justify his negative emotions. If his
mate is sexually promiscuous this justifies romantic jealousy – he
unconsciously "thinks".

The narcissist is a con artist. He easily substitutes fiction for
truth. What commences as an elaborate daydream ends up in the
narcissist's mind as a plausible scenario. But, then, if his
suspicions are true (they are bound to be – otherwise, why is he
jealous?), there is no way he can accept his partner back, says the
narcissist to himself. If she is unfaithful – how could the
relationship continue?

Infidelity and lack of exclusivity violate the first and last
commandment of narcissism: uniqueness.

The narcissist tends to regard his partner's cheating in absolute
terms. The "other" guy must be better and more special than he is.
Since the narcissist is nothing but a reflection, a glint in the
eyes of others, when cast aside by his spouse or mate, he feels
annulled and wrecked.

His partner, in this single (real or imagined) act of adultery, is
perceived by the narcissist to have passed judgment upon him as a
whole – not merely upon this or that aspect of his personality and
not merely in connection with the issue of sexual or emotional
compatibility.

This perceived negation of his uniqueness makes it impossible for
the narcissist to survive in a relationship tainted by jealousy.
Yet, there is nothing more dreadful to a narcissist than the ending
of a relationship, or abandonment.

Many narcissists strike an unhealthy balance. Being emotionally (and
physically or sexually) absent, they drive the partner to find
emotional and physical gratification outside the bond. This
achieved, they feel vindicated – they are proven right in being
jealous.

The narcissist is then able to accept the partner back and to
forgive her. After all – he argues – her two-timing was precipitated
by the narcissist's own absence and was always under his control.
The narcissist experiences a kind of sadistic satisfaction that he
possesses such power over his partner.

In provoking the partner to adopt a socially aberrant behaviour he
sees proof of his mastery. He reads into the subsequent scene of
forgiveness and reconciliation the same meaning. It proves both his
magnanimity and how addicted to him his partner has become.

The more severe the extramarital affair, the more it provides the
narcissist with the means to control his partner through her guilt.
His ability to manipulate his partner increases the more forgiving
and magnanimous he is. He never forgets to mention to her (or, at
least, to himself) how wonderful he is for having thus sacrificed
himself.

Here he is – with his unique, superior traits – willing to accept
back a disloyal, inconsiderate, disinterested, self-centred,
sadistic (and, entre nous, most ordinary) partner back. True,
henceforth he is likely to invest less in the relationship, to
become non-committal, and, probably, to be full of rage and hatred.
Still, she is the narcissist's one and only. The more voluptuous,
tumultuous, inane the relationship, the better it suits the
narcissist's self-image.

After all, aren't such tortuous relationships the stuff Oscar
winning movies are made of? Shouldn't the narcissist's life be
special in this sense, too? Aren't the biographies of great men
adorned with such abysses of emotions?

If an emotional or sexual infidelity does occur (and very often it
does), it is usually a cry for help by the narcissist's mate. A
forlorn cause: this rigidly deformed personality structure is
incapable of change.

Usually, the partner is the dependent or avoidant type and is
equally inherently incapable of changing anything in her life. Such
couples have no common narrative or agenda and only their
psychopathologies are compatible. They hold each other hostage and
vie for the ransom.

The dependent partner can determine for the narcissist what is right
and virtuous and what is wrong and evil as well as enhance and
maintain his feeling of uniqueness (by wanting him). She, therefore,
possesses the power to manipulate him. Sometimes she does so because
years of emotional deprivation and humiliation by the narcissist
have made her hate him.

The narcissist – forever "rational", forever afraid to get in touch
with his emotions – often divides his relationships with humans
to "contractual" and "non contractual", multiplying the former at
the expense of the latter. By doing so he drowns the immediate,
identifiable, emotional problems (with his partner) in a torrent of
irrelevant frivolities (his obligation within numerous
other "contractual" "relationships").

The narcissist likes to believe that he is the maker of the decision
which type of relationship he establishes with whom. He doesn't even
bother to be explicit about it. Sometimes people believe that they
have a "contractual" (binding and long-term) relationship with the
narcissist, while he entertains an entirely different notion without
informing them. These, naturally, are grounds for innumerable
disappointments and misunderstandings.

The narcissist often says that he has a contract with his
girlfriend/spouse. This contract has emotional articles and
administrative-economic articles.

One of the substantive clauses of this contract is emotional and
sexual exclusivity.

But the narcissist feels that the fulfilment of his contracts –
especially with his female partner – is asymmetrical. He is firmly
convinced that he gives and contributes to his relationships more
than he receives from them. The narcissist needs to feel deprived
and punished, thus upholding the guilty verdict rendered by the
primary and all important object in his life (usually, his mother).

The narcissist, though highly amoral (and at times, immoral), holds
himself, morally, in high regard. He describes contracts as "sacred"
and feels averse to cancelling or violating them even if they had
expired or are invalidated by the behaviour of the other parties.

But the narcissist is not constant and predictable in his
judgements. Thus, a violation of the contract by his romantic
partner is deemed to be either trivial or nothing less than earth-
shattering. If a contract is violated by the narcissist he is
invariably tormented by his conscience to the extent of calling the
contract (the relationship) off even if the partner judges the
violation to be trivial or explicitly forgives the narcissist.

In other words, sometimes the narcissist feels compelled to cancel a
contract just because he violated it and in order not to be
tormented by his conscience (by his Superego, the internalised
voices of his parents and other meaningful adults in his childhood).

But things get even more complex.

The narcissist acts asymmetrically as long as he feels bound by the
contract. He tends to judge himself more severely than he judges the
other parties to the contract. He forces himself to comply more
strenuously than his partners do with the terms of the contract.

But this is because he needs the contract – the relationship – more
than the others do.

The annulment or the termination of a contract represent rejection
and abandonment, which the narcissist fears most. The narcissist
would rather pretend that a contract is still valid than admit to
the demise of a relationship. He never violates contracts because he
is afraid of the reprisals and of the emotional consequences. But
this is not to be confused with developed morals. When confronted
with better alternatives – which more efficiently cater to his
needs – the narcissist annuls or violates his contracts without
thinking twice.

Moreover, not all contracts were created equal in the narcissistic
twilight zone. It is the narcissist who retains the power to decide
which contracts are to be scrupulously observed and which
offhandedly ignored. The narcissist determines which laws (social
contracts) to obey and which to break.

He expects society, his partners, his colleagues, his spouse, his
children, his parents, his students, his teachers – in short:
absolutely everyone – to abide by his rulebook. White collar
narcissist criminals, for instance, see nothing wrong with their
misconduct. They regard themselves as law-abiding, God-fearing,
community-members. Their acts are committed in a mental enclave, a
psychological no man's land, where no laws or contracts are binding.

The narcissist is sometimes perceived as whimsical, traitorous,
posing and double crossing. The truth is that he is predictable and
consistent. He follows one over-riding principle: the principle of
Narcissistic Supply.

The narcissist had internalised a bad object. He feels corrupt,
deserving to fail, to be disgraced and punished. He is forever
surprised and thankful when good things happen to him. Out of touch
with his own emotions and with his capabilities, he either
exaggerates them or underestimates them.

He is likely to be grateful to his partner – and berate her! – for
having chosen him to be her mate. Deep inside, he thinks that no one
else would have been (or will be) as foolish, blind, or ignorant to
have made this choice. The purported stupidity and blindness of his
mate or spouse is substantiated by the very fact that she is his
mate or spouse. Only a stupid and blind person would have preferred
the narcissist, with his myriad deficiencies, to others.

(continued below)

==================================================

Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP?

"The Narcissism Series" - (November 2005)

Six e-books regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with
abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

NEW! Analyze This - Short Fiction about Narcissists

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/analyzethis.msn
w
Weekly Case Studies

Case Studies in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder List

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/drvakninsweekly
casestudies.msnw

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/drvakninsweekly
casestudies2.msnw

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/general.msnw?
action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=15404

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/general.msnw?
action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=45353

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/general.msnw?
action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=132787

======================================================

This feeling of a "lucky break" is the true source of the asymmetry
in the narcissist's relationships. The partner, having made this
incredible choice to live with the narcissist (to bear this cross)
is worthy of special consideration in compensation. The narcissist's
willing partner – a rarity – warrants special treatment and a
special (double) standard. The partner can be unfaithful,
withholding (emotionally, financially), be dependent, be abusive,
critical and so on – and, yet, be forgiven unconditionally.

This, no doubt, is the direct result of the narcissist's very flawed
sense of self-worth and of an overpowering sense of inferiority.

This asymmetry is also an effective barrier against the expression
of anger, even legitimate anger.

Instead, the narcissist accumulates his grievances every time that
the partner takes advantage of the asymmetry (or is perceived by the
narcissist to be doing so). The narcissist tries to convince himself
that such abuse is an expected result of the daily friction of
cohabitation, especially by partners with radically different
personalities.

Some of the anger is passively-aggressively expressed. The frequency
of sexual relations is reduced. Less sex, less talk, less touch.
Sometimes the pent-up aggression erupts explosively in the form of
rage attacks. These are usually followed by panicky reactions
intended to restore the balance and to reassure the narcissist that
he is not about to be abandoned.

Following such rage attacks, the narcissist regresses to
passiveness, maudlin tenderness, appeasing gestures, or to wimpish,
saccharine, and infantile behaviour. The narcissist does not expect
or accept same behaviour from his partner. She is allowed to be
cantankerous to her heart's content without as much as apologising.

Another hurdle on the narcissist's way to establishing lasting (if
not healthy) relationships is his excess rationality and, chiefly,
his tendency to generalise on the basis of tenuous and flimsy
evidence (hyper-inductiviteness).

The narcissist regards abandonment or rejection by his emotional-
sexual partners as a final verdict concerning his very ability to
have such relationships in the future. Because of the mechanisms of
self-denigration I have described, the narcissist is likely to
idealise his mate and believe that she must have been uniquely
predisposed and "equipped" to cope with him.

He "remembers" the way his partner sacrificed herself on the altar
of the relationship. The more convinced the narcissist is that his
partner invested extraordinarily in the relationship and the more
assured he is that she was uniquely equipped to succeed in it – the
more frightened he becomes.

Why the fear?

Because if this partner, as qualified as she was, as desirous of him
as she was, failed to sustain the relationship – surely, no one else
is likely to succeed. The narcissist believes that he is doomed to
an existence of loneliness and destitution. He stands no chance of
ever having a resilient, healthy relationship with another partner.

The narcissist would do anything to avoid this conclusion. He begs
his partner to return and re-establish the relationship, no matter
what transpired. Her very return proves to him that he is worthy,
the preferred alternative, someone with whom maintaining a
relationship is possible.

The partner, in other words, is the narcissist's equivalent of
market research. That he was chosen by the partner is tantamount to
receiving a quality award.

This dyad comprised of a "quality inspector" and a "chosen product"
is only one of the pairs of roles adopted by the narcissist and his
partner. Others include: "the sick" and "the healthy", "the
doctor/psychologist" and "the patient", "the poor, underprivileged
girl" and "the white knight in shining armour" dyads.

Both roles – the narcissist's and the one willingly (or unwillingly)
adopted by the partner – are facets of the narcissist's personality.
Through complex Projective Identification processes and other
projective defence mechanisms the narcissist fosters a dialogue
between parts of his self, using his partner as a mirror and a
communication conduit.

Thus, by fostering such dialogs, the narcissist's relationships have
a highly therapeutic value on the one hand. On the other hand they
suffer from all the problems of a regime of psychotherapy:
transference, counter-transference and the like.

Let us briefly study the pair of roles "sick-healthy" or "patient-
doctor". The narcissist can assume either role in this pair.

If the narcissist is the "healthy" one, he attributes to his "sick"
partner his own inability to form long-standing, emotion-infused
couple relationships. This would be because she is "sick" (sexually
hyperactive, "nymphomaniac", frigid, unable to commit, to be
intimate, unjust, moody, or traumatised by events in her past).

The narcissist, on the other hand, judges himself to be homely and
striving to establish a "healthy" couple. He interprets the
behaviour of his partner to support this "theory". His partner
displays emergent behaviours, which conform with her role.
Sometimes, the narcissist invests less in such a relationship
because he regards his mere existence – sane, strong, omnipotent,
and omniscient – to be a sufficient investment (a gift, really),
voiding the need to add "maintenance efforts" to it.

In the other, converse case, the narcissist labels many of his
behaviour patterns as "sick". This usually coincides with latent or
open hypochondriasis. The partner's health is idealised to form the
background with which the narcissist's purported sickness is
contrasted. This is a responsibility shifting mechanism. If the
narcissist's pathology is deep seated and irreversible – then he
cannot be held responsible for his actions, past and future.

This role playing is the narcissist's ways of coping with an
insoluble dilemma.

The narcissist is mortally terrified of being abandoned by his
partner. This fear drives him to minimise his interactions with his
partner to avoid the inevitable pain of rejection. This, in turn,
leads exactly to the feared abandonment. The narcissist knows that
his behaviour instigates that which he is so afraid of.

In a way he is happy about it, because it gives him the illusion
that he is in exclusive control of the relationship and of his own
fate. His alleged "sickness" helps to explain his unusual conduct.

Ultimately, the narcissist loses his partners in all his
relationships. He hates himself for it and is enraged. It is because
of the life-threatening magnitude of these negative emotions that
they are repressed. Every conceivable psychological defence
mechanism is employed to sublimate, transform (through cognitive
dissonance), dissociate or re-direct this self-mutilating wrath.

This constant inner turmoil generates unremitting fear manifested in
the form of anxiety attacks, or an anxiety disorder. In the course
of such life crises, the narcissist briefly believes that he is
intrinsically deformed and defective and that he is irreparably
dysfunctional when it comes to establishing and to maintaining
relationships (which is true!).

The narcissist – especially during a life crisis – loses touch with
reality. Defective reality tests and even psychotic micro-episodes
are common. Narcissists interpret the (fairly common) mismatch
between personalities that doomed the relationships in an
apocalyptic manner. Dependence, a symbiotic interaction, raises
doubts regarding the narcissist's very ability to form relationships.

But throughout all this, the narcissist needs a collaborative
partner. He needs someone to serve as a sounding board, a mirror,
and a victim. In other words, he needs a Polyandric woman.

The narcissist thinks of all women as either Monoandric or
Polyandric.

The Monoandric woman is psychologically mature. She is usually older
and sexually sated. She prefers intimacy and companionship to sexual
satisfaction. She is in possession of a mental blueprint, which
dictates her short-term goals. In her relationships, she emphasises
compatibility and is predominantly verbal.

The narcissist reacts with fear and repulsion (mixed with rage and
the wish to frustrate) to the Monoandric woman. Consciously, though,
he realises that intimacy can be created only with this kind of
woman.

The Polyandric woman is young (if not of age, then at heart). She is
still sexually curious and varies her sexual partners. She is not
adept at creating intimacy and emotional rapport. Because she is
more interested in the accumulation of experiences – her life is not
guided by a "master plan", or even by medium-term goals.

The narcissist is aware of the transience of his relationship with
the Polyandric woman. So, he is attracted to her while being
devoured by his fear of abandonment.

The narcissist, almost always, finds himself paired with Polyandric
women. They pose no threat of getting emotionally close to him (of
being intimate). The incompatibility between the narcissist and
Polyandric women is so high and the probability of abandonment and
rejection so great – that intimacy is all but excluded.

Moreover, this consuming fear of being left behind leads to a re-
enactment of the primordial Oedipal Conflict and to a whole set of
transference relations with the Polyandric woman. This inevitably
results in the very abandonment the narcissist so dreads. Serious
psychological crises follow such relationships (narcissistic trauma
or injury).

The narcissist knows (or, if less self-aware, feels) all this. He is
not as much attracted to the Polyandric woman as he is repelled by
the Monoandric variety. Monoandric women threaten him with two
things deemed by the narcissist to be even worse than abandonment:
intimacy and a loss of uniqueness. Monoandric women are the venue
through which the narcissist can communicate with his very
threatening inner world. Last but not least, they want him to settle
into a moulded non-unique way of life common to virtually all
humanity: marriage, children, a career.

On the one hand, there is nothing like children to make the
narcissist feel threatened. They are the embodiment of commonness, a
reminder of his own, dark, childhood, and an infringement upon his
privileges. They compete with him for scarce Narcissistic Supply.

On the other hand, there is nothing like children to boost an
habitually flagging Ego. In short, nothing like children to create
conflict in the tormented soul of the narcissist.

The narcissist does not react to people (or interact with them) as
individuals. Rather, he generalises and tends to treat people as
symbols or "classes". This is also true in his relationships
with "his" women. Women resent this kind of treatment and,
gradually, the narcissist finds it more and more difficult to be
himself with them.

Women analyse his body language, his verbal and non-verbal
communication and compare their own pathologies to his. They study
his behaviour patterns and his interactions with his (human) milieu
and (non-human) environment. They test their sexual compatibility by
having sex with him.

They examine other types of compatibility by cohabiting or by
prolonged dating. Their mating decision is based on the data they
thus glean plus some "evolutionary survival parameters": the
narcissist's genotype (genetic and chemical makeup), his phenotype
(his looks and constitution), as well as his access to economic
resources.

This is a standard mating procedure with standard mating checklists.
The narcissist usually passes the genotype and phenotype reviews.
Many narcissists, however, fail the third test: their ability to
support themselves and their dependants economically. Narcissism is
a very unstable mental condition and it complicates the narcissist's
functioning in daily life.

Most narcissists tend to move between numerous positions and jobs,
to gamble away their savings, and to become heavily indebted. The
narcissist rarely accumulates wealth, property, assets, or
possessions. The narcissist prefers to fake knowledge rather than to
acquire it and to compromise rather to fight.

He usually finds himself engaged in capacities far below his
intellectual ability. Women notice this as well as his pompous,
inflated body language, haughtiness, rage attacks and severe acting
out. Finally, the closer they get to the narcissist, the more they
are be able to discern antisocial, abnormal, and a-normative
behaviours.

The narcissist turns out to be a crook, an adventurer, a crisis-
prone, danger seeking, emotionally cold, sexually abstaining or
hyperactive individual. He might be self-destructive, self-
defeating, success-fearing, and media-addicted. His turbulent
biography is likely to include abnormal sexual and emotional
relationships, prison terms, bankruptcies and divorces. Hardly the
ideal partner.

Even worse, the narcissist regards women as a direct threat to his
uniqueness, and a potential for degradation. To him, they are the
conformity agents of society, the domesticating whips. By forcing
him into homemaking, child rearing and the assumption of long-term
consumer credits (and mortgages), women are likely to reduce the
narcissist to a Common Man, an anathema. Women represent an invasion
of the narcissist's privacy, unmasking his defence mechanisms by "X-
raying" his soul (the narcissist attributes paranormal powers of
penetration to women).

They possess the ability to hurt him through abandonment and
rejection. The narcissist feels that women are very "business-like,
use and discard" type of people. They exploit their capacities for
deep psychological insight to further their goals. In other words,
they are sinister and are not to be trusted. Their motives should
always be questioned.

This is the old fear of intimacy disguised. These are the old
phobias: of being controlled, of being assimilated, of losing
control, of being hurt, of being vulnerable. This is the deep-rooted
feeling of emotional inadequacy. The narcissist believes that, upon
closer scrutiny, he will be found lacking emotionally and, thus,
unlovable.

It is part of the narcissist's "Con-Artist Effect". The narcissist
feels an objective and thorough scrutiny is bound to expose him for
what he is: a fake, an impostor, a con man. The narcissist is the
chameleon-like "Zelig" – everything to everyone, no one to himself.

Narcissists interact with women emotionally (and later, sexually),
or only physically.

When the interaction is emotional, the narcissist feels that he is
risking the loss of his uniqueness, that his privacy is invaded,
that his defence mechanisms are being unravelled, and that
information divulged by him (following the collapse of his defences)
might be abused through destructive criticism or extortion.

The narcissist constantly feels that he is rejected. Even if such
rejection is the normal outcome of incompatibility, without any
comparative judgment and "rating" – the feeling persists. The
narcissist just "knows" that she is not sexually or emotionally
exclusive (others preceded him and others will succeed him).

During the initial phases of emotional involvement the narcissist is
likely to be told that there was no one like him in the partner's
life before. He judges this to be a false and hypocritical statement
simply because it is likely to have been uttered before, to others.
This prevailing sense of falsity permeates the relationship from the
very start.

In the back of his mind the narcissist always remembers that he
is "different" (sick). He recognises that this deformity is likely
to thwart any relationship and to lead to abandonment, or at lease
to rejection. The seeds of abandonment are embedded in every nascent
interaction with a woman. The narcissist has to cope with his
special predicament as well as with social changes and the
disintegration of the social fabric, which anyhow make sustaining
relationship an ever more difficult achievement in today's world.

The alternative, mere corporeal contact, the narcissist finds
repellent. There, uniqueness and exclusivity – what the narcissist
relishes most – are definitely absent.

This is especially true if an emotional dimension does exist in the
relationship. Whereas the narcissist can always convince himself
that both his emotions and their background are unique and
unprecedented – he is hard pressed to do so concerning the sexual
aspect of the relationship. Surely, he hasn't been his lover's first
sexual partner and sex is a common and vulgar pursuit.

Still, some narcissists prefer less complicated and less threatening
sex: devoid of all emotion, anonymous (group sex, prostitution) or
autoerotic (homosexual or masturbation). The sexual partner, in
these conditions, lacks identity, is objectified and dehumanised.
Exclusivity cannot be demanded of objects and the potential risk of
unfaithfulness is happily allayed.

An example that I always use: a narcissist, eating in a restaurant,
would rarely feel that his uniqueness is threatened by the fact that
thousands of people ate there before him and are likely to do so
after his departure. Eating in a restaurant is an impersonal,
objectified, routine.

The notion of his own uniqueness is so fragile that the narcissist
requires "total compliance" in order to be able to maintain it.
Thus, the emotional and sexual exclusivity of his partner (a pillar
in the temple of his uniqueness) must be both spatial and temporal.
To satisfy the narcissist, the partner must be sexually and
emotionally exclusive in both her past and her present. This sounds
highly possessive – and it is. The narcissist shivers at the thought
of his partner's past lovers and her exploits with them. He is even
jealous of movie actors, whom his partner finds appealing.

This need not deteriorate into active, violent jealousy. In most
cases, it is an insidious form of envy, which poisons the
relationship through mutated forms of aggression.

The narcissist's possessiveness is geared to safeguard his self-
imputed uniqueness. The partner's exclusivity enhances the
narcissist's sensation of uniqueness. But why can't the narcissist
be unique to his partner today as others have been to her in the
past?

Because serial uniqueness is a contradiction in terms, uniqueness
means ultimate compatibility, enzyme and substrate, protein and
receptor, antigen and antibody, almost immunological specificity.
The likelihood of serially enjoying precisely such compatibility
with successive partners is very low.

For serial compatibility to occur the following conditions have to
be met (believes the narcissist):

That one (or both) of the partners will have changed so radically
that the former specifications of compatibility are replaced by new
ones. This radical change can come from the inside (endogenous) or
from the outside (exogenous).
Such a dramatic shift must, therefore, occur with every new partner.
Or that each partner is even more specifically compatible than its
predecessor – a highly unlikely occurrence.
Or that compatibility is never achieved and one (or both) partners
react badly to some of the specifications and initiates separation
in order to move on to a more suitable partner.
Or that compatibility is never achieved and any claim to the
contrary (especially the sentence "I love you") is false. The
relationship, in this case, is contaminated by major hypocrisy.
Yet, narcissists do get married. They do try to have lifetime
partners. This is because they distinguish "their" women from all
other. The narcissist's occasional girlfriend (however "permanent")
and his permanent partner (however randomly chosen) must satisfy
different requirements.

The permanent partner (wife, usually) must meet four conditions:

She must act as the narcissist's companion but on highly unequal
terms. She must be submissive and motherly, sufficiently intelligent
to admire and admiring enough never to criticise, critical enough to
assist him and helpful enough to make a good friend. This
contradictory equation can never be solved and leads to bouts of
frustration and rage staged by the narcissist if any of his demands
or expectations goes unheeded.

The narcissist's partner has to share quarters with him. But the
narcissist, with an inflated sense of privacy and what can be best
described as spatial paranoia, is very hard to live with. He regards
her presence in his space as intrusion. The fragile or non-existent
boundaries of his Ego force him to define rigid outer boundaries for
fear of being "invaded".

He enforces his brand of compulsive orderliness and his code of
conduct on his entire physical space in the most tyrannical manner.

It is a hybrid, almost transcendental existence led by the
narcissist's mate or spouse. There when required by him, making
herself absent at all other times. Rarely can she define her own
space or impress her personal preferences and tastes upon it.

The cerebral narcissist's partner is usually his only sexual mate.
Cerebral narcissists are normally very faithful because they are
mortally afraid of the repercussions if found out cheating. But,
being purely Sexual Communicators, they get bored very easily and
find it ever more taxing to maintain regular (let alone exciting)
sexual relations with the same partner.

They are under-stimulated and for want of alternatives, they develop
a vicious frustration-aggression cycle, leading to emotional absence
and coldness and to sexual intercourse decreasing in both quality
and quantity. This could drive the partner to having extramarital
sexual (or, even emotional) affairs.

It provides the narcissist with the justification that he needs to
do the same. However, the narcissist rarely uses this license.
Instead he leverages the partner's inevitable guilt feelings to
deepen his control over her and to place himself in a morally
superior position.

Often, the narcissist destabilises the relationship and keeps his
partner off-balance, in constant uncertainty and insecurity by
suggesting an open marriage, possible participation in group sex and
so on. Or, he constantly alludes to sexual opportunities available
to him. This he might do jokingly but he ignores his partner's avid
protestations. By provoking her jealousy, the narcissist believes
that he endears himself to her and furthers his control.

Last – but definitely not least – is the issue of procreation and of
having offspring.

Narcissists like children only as unlimited Sources of Narcissistic
Supply. Put simply: children unconditionally admire the father-
narcissist, they succumb to his every wish, submit to his every
whim, obey his every command, and are deliciously malleable.

All other aspects of child-rearing are considered by the narcissist
to be repulsive: the noises, the smells, the invasion of his space,
the nuisance, the dangers, the long-term commitment and, above all,
the diversion of attention and admiration from the narcissist to his
offspring. The narcissist envies his successful offspring as he
would any other competitor for adulation and attention.

A profile of the narcissist's spouse emerges:

She must value the narcissist's companionship sufficiently to
sacrifice any independent expression of her personality. She must
usually endure confinement in her own home. She either refrains from
bringing children to the world altogether or sacrifices them to the
narcissist as instruments of his gratification. She must endure long
spells of sexual abstinence or be sexually molested by the
narcissist.

This is a vicious cycle. The narcissist is likely to devalue such a
submissive partner. The narcissist detests self-sacrifice and self-
effacement. He scorns such behaviour in others. He humiliates his
partner until she leaves him and, thus, proves that she is assertive
and autonomous. Then, of course, he idealises her and wants her back.

The narcissist is interested in the kind of woman that he is able to
drive to abandon him by sadistically berating and humiliating her
(on what could be regarded as justified grounds).

In his internal dialogues, the narcissist mulls over his problematic
experience with the opposite sex.

A far as he is concerned, women are emotional objects, instant
narcissistic solutions. As long as they are indiscriminately
supportive, adoring and admiring they fulfil the critical role of
Source of Narcissistic Supply.

We are on safe ground, therefore, when we say that mentally stable
and healthy women refrain from having relationships with narcissists.

The narcissist's lifestyle, his reactions, in short: his disorder,
prevent the development of a mature love, of real sharing, of
empathy. The narcissist's mate, spouse, or partner is treated as an
object. She is the subject of projections, Projective
Identifications and a source of adulation.

Moreover, the narcissist himself is unlikely to cultivate a long-
term relationship with a psychologically healthy, independent, and
mature woman. He seeks her dependence within a relationship of
superiority and inferiority (teacher-student, guru-disciple, idol-
admirer, therapist-patient, doctor-patient, father-daughter, adult-
adolescent or young girl, etc.).

The narcissist is an anachronism. He is a Victorian arch
conservative, even if he denies it vehemently. He rejects feminism.
He feels ill at ease in today's modern world and is seldom self-
conscious enough to understand why. He pretends to be a liberal. But
this conviction does not sit well with his envy, an integral element
of his narcissistic personality.

His conservatism and jealousy combine to yield extreme
possessiveness and a powerful fear of abandonment. The latter can
(and does) bring about self-defeating and self-destructive
behaviours. These, in turn, encourage the partner to abandon the
narcissist. The narcissist, thus, feels that he has aided and
abetted the process, that he facilitated his own abandonment.

This is all part of a facade whose genesis can only be partially
attributed to repression or denial mechanisms. This fake front is
coherent, consistent, ubiquitous and completely misleading. The
narcissist uses it to project both his cognition (the results of
conscious thought processes) and his affect (emotions).

The narcissist, for instance, would adopt the role of a warm,
sensitive, considerate and empathic person – while, in truth, he is
likely to be emotionally shallow, to have attention deficits, to be
inordinately self-centred, insensitive and unaware of what is
happening around him and to other people.

He makes promises casually, plagiarises with abandon, and
pathologically (compulsively and unnecessarily) lies – all part of
the same phenomenon: a promising, impressive front behind, which are
concealed psychical "Potemkin Villages". This makes him the target
of strong frustration, hate, hostility and even verbal, physical or
legal violence.

The same scenario applies to matters of the heart. The narcissist
employs the same tactics with women.

The narcissist lies because he thinks his reality is too "grey" and
unattractive. He feels that his skills, traits, and experience are
lacking, that his biography is boring, that many aspects of his life
call for improvement. The narcissist desperately wants to be loved –
and modifies and mends himself to render himself loveable.

To this there is only one exception.

The sociologist Erving Goffman coined the phrase "Total
Institutions". He was referring to institutions with total
regulation of the totality of life within them. The army is such an
institution and so is a hospital, or a prison. To some extent, any
alien environment is total. Living outside one's country, in a
foreign, somewhat xenophobic and hostile, society, is reminiscent of
living in a Total Institution ("Total Situation").

The mental health problems of some narcissists grow worse in such
institutions – and this is understandable. There is nothing like a
Total Institution to negate uniqueness.

But others feel relaxed and secure. How come?

This is an enigma the solution to which provides us with important
insights regarding the codes, which control the narcissist's
attitudes towards women.

Total Institutions and Total Situations have a few common
denominators:

They eliminate the individual's idiosyncratic identity through
external measures such as donning uniforms, sleeping in dormitories,
using numbers instead of names. In hospitals the patients are
identified by their organs or conditions, for instance. But this is
counter-weighed by a sense of emerging, compensatory uniqueness, the
result of belonging to a mysterious select few, an order of
suffering or guilt, a brotherhood of endurance.
People in these places have no past or future. They live in an
infinite present.
The starting conditions of all the inmates are identical. There are
no relative or absolute advantages, no value judgments, no rating of
worthiness, no competition, no inferiority or superiority complexes
induced from the outside. This, naturally, is a gross
oversimplification, even, to some extent, a misstatement of the
facts – but we need to idealise in order to analyse.
The Total Institution offers no frame of reference or of comparison
which might foster feelings of failure or of inferiority.
The constant threat of sanctions restrains and constrains
destructive behaviours.
A heightened awareness of reality is necessary for survival. Any
self-injury or sabotage is punished more severely than in the
outside, "relative", world.
Thus, the narcissist can attribute any failure to his new
environment.

If his new environment is the outcome of a voluntary choice (for
instance, emigration) the narcissist can say that it was he who
chose failure over success – a choice that indeed he made.

Otherwise, the failure is ascribed to overriding external
imperatives ("force majeure"). The narcissist has an alternative in
this case. He doesn't have to identify with his failures or to
internalise them because he can convincingly argue (mainly to
himself) that they are not his, that success was impossible under
the objective circumstances.

Coping with recurrent failure is a figment of the narcissist's inner
life. The narcissist would tend to regard himself as a failure. He
doesn't say: "I failed" – but "I am a failure". Whenever he fails –
and he is predisposed to fail – he "assimilates" the failure and
identifies with it in an act of transubstantiation.

Narcissists are more prone to failure because of their built-in
precariousness, instability and their tendency for brinkmanship. The
schism between their rational apparatus and their emotional one
doesn't help, either. While, usually, highly talented and
intelligent – narcissists are emotionally immature and pathological.

Narcissists know that they are inferior to other people in that they
are self-defeating and self-destructive. They solve this gap between
their grandiose fantasies and their sordid and drab reality (the
Grandiosity Gap) by manufacturing and designing their own failures.
This way they feel that they control their misfortune.

Obviously, this apparently ingenious mechanism is, in itself,
destructive.

On the one hand, it succeeds to make the narcissist feel that he is
in control of his failures (if not of his life). On the other hand,
the fact that the failure directly and unequivocally emanates from
the narcissist – makes it an inseparable part of him. Thus, the
narcissist feels not only that he is the author of his own failures
(which, in some cases, he, indeed, is) – but that failure forms an
integral part of himself (which, gradually, becomes true).

It is due to this identification with his failures, defeats and
mishaps, that the narcissist finds it hard to "market" himself, be
it to a potential employer or to a woman he desires.

The narcissist holds himself to be a total (systemic) failure. His
self-esteem and self-image are always crippled. He feels that he
doesn't have "anything to offer". When he tries to derive
consolation from the memory of past successes – the comparison
depresses him even further, making him feel that he is at a nadir.

As it is, the narcissist regards any need to promote himself as
demeaning. One promotes oneself because one needs others, because
one is inferior (however temporarily). This reliance on others is
both external (economic, for example) and internal (emotional). The
narcissist is also afraid of the possibility of being rejected, of
failing at his self-promotion. This kind of failure may have the
worst effect, compounding the narcissist's feeling of worthlessness.

No wonder that the narcissist regards any necessity to self-promote
as humiliating, as negating his self-respect in a cold, alienated,
transactional universe. The narcissist fails to understand why he
needs to promote himself when his uniqueness is so self-evident. He
envies the successes and the happiness of others (their successful
self-promotion).

None of these problems arises in a Total Institution or outside the
narcissist's natural milieu (abroad, for instance), or in a Total
Situation.

In these settings, failure can be explained away by being attributed
to poor starting conditions inherent in a new environment. The
narcissist does not have to internalise the failure or to identify
with it. The act of self-promotion is also made much easier. It is
understandable why one has to promote oneself if one is rendered
inferior or unknown by circumstances of one's choice.

In Total Situations, the need to market oneself is understandable,
external, and objective, a force majeure, really, though brought
about by the narcissist himself. The narcissist compares the
situation to a game of chess: you select which game to play but once
you have done so, you have to abide by the rules, however
disadvantageous.

In these circumstances failure can be attributed to outside forces –
including the failure to promote oneself. The act of self-promotion
cannot, by definition, dehumanise the narcissist or humiliate him.
In a Total Institution (or in a Total Situation) the narcissist is
no longer a human being – he has nothing.

The positive aspect of Total Situations is that the narcissist is
rendered special and mysterious by virtue of being a stranger and
even by the enigma of his prior identity. The narcissist cannot envy
the natives' successes and happiness – clearly they had a head
start. They belong, they control, they dictate, they are supported
by social networks and codes.

The narcissist cannot accept that anyone is more knowledgeable than
he is. He is likely to argue vehemently with the medical staff
attending him over his treatment, for instance. But he succumbs to
force (the more brutal and explicit – the better). And while doing
so, the narcissist feels a great relief: the race is over and
responsibility has been shifted to the outside. He is almost
euphoric when relieved of the need to make decisions, or when he
finds himself in a bad spot because this vindicates his internal
voices, which keep telling him that he is bad and should be punished.

It is this fear of failure – especially the fear of failing to
promote himself – that thwarts the narcissist's relationships with
women and with other figures of authority or of import in his life.

It is really the old fear of being abandoned in one of its endless
guises. The narcissist envies his deserting partner. He knows how
difficult and emotionally wrenching it is to live with him. He
realises that his partner will be much better off without him – and
this makes him sad (that he was unable to offer her an acceptable
alternative) and envious (that her lot is likely to be better than
his.) Of course, he displaces some of his emotions, blaming his
partner, then blaming himself, angry at her and afraid to feel this
(forbidden) anger (at his mother's substitute).

The narcissist does not feel sorry because a specific individual –
his partner – abandoned him. He feels sorry because he was
abandoned. It is the act of abandonment, which matters – the
abandoning figures (his mother, his partners) are interchangeable.

The narcissist always shares his life with a fantasy, an
idealisation, with an ideal phantasm he imposes upon his real life
partner. Abandonment is only the rebellion of the real life partner
against this fiction invented and compulsively enforced by the
narcissist, against the humiliation thus suffered – verbal and
behavioural.

For the narcissist, to be abandoned means to be judged and found
wanting. To be deserted means to be deemed replaceable. At its
extreme, it can come to mean the emotional annihilation of the
narcissist. He feels that when a woman leaves him she does so
because there it is emotionally easy to get away from him and never
to see him again. There is no problem to bid farewell to someone who
just is not there (at least emotionally). The narcissist feels
annulled, rendered transparent, abused, exploited, and objectified.

Put differently, the narcissist experiences through abandonment
(even through the mere risk of abandonment) a re-enactment of the
very mistreatment and abuses, which, earlier in his life,
transformed him into the deformed creature that he is. He gets a
taste of the medicine (rather poison) that he often ruthlessly
administers to others. At the same time he relives his harrowing
childhood experiences.

This mirror matrix of forces is too much for the narcissist to bear.
He begins to disintegrate and veers into utter and complete
dysfunction. At this late stage, he is likely to entertain suicidal
ideation. An encounter with the opposite sex holds mortal risks for
the narcissist – more ominous than the risks normally associated
with it.

=======================================================
AUTHOR BIO:

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant
Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West
Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician,
Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a
United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and
the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in
The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government
of Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com

============================================================

Thank you for the Donations.

2005-11-03T08:38:00.000-08:00

Thanks to those who donated for the American Heart Association. I will post some photos from the walk early next week. My next biggie will be the MS150 it is a bicycle ride from Houston to Austin in 2006. I am doing my first training ride for this on Sunday.

It is actually a grueling two day bike ride. It is 186 miles. Oy. Right now, I ride 7-10 miles 2 or 3 times a week.

Once again thank you for your support!

Here was the link to the American Heart Association.
http://heartwalk.kintera.org/houstontx/stephaniem

Stephanie

You can sponsor me for the MS150.
http://ms150.org/edon.cfm?id=180055

7 Myths About Creating A Better Relationship

2005-11-01T11:10:00.000-08:00

In my private practice for over 14 years no matter what my clients have come to see me about, there has always been an issue about a better relationship.

Here are 7 of the most common misconceptions my clients have related to me about having a better relationship. These misconceptions are followed by my perspective on each one of them.

Myth 1 I have to love everything about my partner

Reality Check 1

You were born pure and pristine. You then learnt behaviors from your parents, teacher, coaches, church etc. (who did their best to teach you about a better relationship). These behaviors have become the backbone for your way of living and having a better relationship.

Perhaps a common behavior that irritates having a better relationship would be leaving the toilet seat up after use. This is merely a behavior and not the essence of the person. However, when you may consider this behavior to be the person, this destroys the concept of a better relationship, creating all kinds of conflict in your need for a better relationship.

Myth 2 Love means that I can fix your partner

Reality Check 2

You met your partner because of some special quality or charteristic that you admired. You need to accept and allow that quality to flourish in order to allow you and your partner to grow into a better relationship.

You may be unaware that you do not even like yourself. Yet by allowing your partner to grow and expand, you will experience the quality of your partner and the beauty within you, as you begin to enjoy a better relationship.

Myth 3

I am supposed to give up the things I like in order to be in a better relationship.

Reality Check 3

Giving up the things you like to be in a better relationship is like take a knife and cutting away a part of yourself.

Your better relationship is based on the uniqueness of you and your partner.

When you give up your uniqueness you rob yourself of a better relationship, your passion and your partner of your creativity.

Myth 4 I will be rescued by a knight in shining armour

Reality Check 4

You may have been conditioned to live your life expecting someone to take care of you. What happens if that person becomes ill? and is no longer able to take care of you.

Your responsibility in creating a better relationship, is to bring your passion to the table of your relationship. Some days you will be the knight in shining armour and another day your partner will be the knight in shining armour of a better relationship.

You will each get a chance to shine like star in a better relationship because of your strengths and weaknesses.

Myth 5 It cost a lot to be in a relationship

Reality Check 5

In a material context, a better relationship can be expensive if you think that love is based on the bigger house, car or boat. Although some of these material assets are necessary, they should not be at the expense of creating a better relationship.

Love is creating a better relationship by building a relationship that is based on the simple things in life, like walking and holding hands, going on a picnic (just the two of you), or sharing an ice cream.

Love in a better relationship is not about what you show on the outside but what you express in you heart. Love is not about money or materialism, love just is.

Myth 6 Love in a relationship is or is not a feeling

Reality Check 6

It is not what you say, it is what you do. You can say, "I love you" which may be merely words and no feelings (action). Love is the action of doing.

If you make a cup of tea for yourself, (the water is boiled), make a cup of tea for your partner. Whether your partner wants the tea or not is irrelevant, it is the thought that counts and the action that cements a better relationship.

Myth 7 I don't have to work at my relationship

Reality Check 7

As a child, you learned to creep before you walked. Then you learned the letters of the alphabet. In order to write, you had to learn how to put those letters together to make words and sentences.

These sentences then become the way in which you communicated.

When you and your partner stop communicating after learning how to use the letters of the alphabet in sentences, it's like 2 tape recorders talking to each other - Nobody is at home to enjoy a better relationship.

In summary:

1. Your partner's behavior in a better relationship is not your partner's true essence.

2. There is no need to have a clone of yourself. A better relationship requires some variety.

3. Giving up of your uniqueness to be in a better relationship is like throwing out the baby with the bath water.

4. In a better relationship there are no superior partners, just equal partners.

5. Love in creating a better relationship is not about money and the material assets (although there are important) but the simple things in life.

6. Love in a better relationship is active not passive.

7. Lack of communication crushes your desire for a better relationship.

Cecil McIntosh provides Relaxation Resources, that will turbo charge your health, business and wealth. To receive your free 7 day Relaxation course visit this site now: http://www.emptyyourcup.com - Relaxation tools and Tips

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

Getting Over Mr. Wrong

2005-10-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

Getting Over Mr. Wrong
By Stephanie Manley

Most relationships do not end with a happy ending. Some breakups are sad, some are neutral, and some leave you stunned. Why is it, when you break off a relationship with the wrong person, it stings even more? Being involved with Mr. Wrong seems to be the more difficult relationships, because there is not chance to relive the relationship and see what you could have done differently, you simply have to grieve the losses, and try to move on.

With people that we are normally mismatched with, we tend to know what those differences are easily. For example, say you don’t wish to have children, and that other person does, it is easy to say why the relationship will not work. Now, in cases where you are involved with Mr. Wrong, the lines aren’t always so clear. Mr. Wrong can leave you dumb founded with what went badly, its also a mismatch, but often we seem to try harder with some people to make a relationship work.

At times when we have a relationship with someone we invest a certain amount of time in with that person. We get to know them, their likes/dislikes, and we eagerly learn about their desires. With Mr. Wrong we so often invest more than that time, because the relationship is difficult. So the normal amount of energy goes into the relationship plus you add on the energy you spend in what is making the relationship difficult.

Since we are putting more energy into the relationship we have a larger investment into the relationship. This extra energy we have put into the relationship bonds us that much more into the relationship, and it is harder to break those ties. One thing to realize is that whether or not the energy is good or bad, as long as it is invested into the relationship, it is forging additional ties, ties that will be harder to break.

Mr. / Ms. Wrong is a difficult person to separate from. We will continue to play through in our head different scenarios of what could have or should have happened. We will continually work through situations with that other person and how we could have handled it differently. Chances are, very little would have worked out well. Sometimes just realizing that we are still playing through that relationship in our heads may be enough to help us break a few of those ties.

So, now that the relationship that went badly is over. Grieve what you lost, that person wasn’t all bad, but very few relationships are really meant to be. If you need to write down the things that went badly, write down lies that were told, large misunderstandings that should have never happened, and read that list from time to time. Use this has a guide to help you break those bonds with that person, so you can be free to move onto the right person.

How to get over a past love

2005-10-24T13:21:00.000-07:00

How to get past a past love

In an article by the folks at pyschology today, they state that you have to pine for your lost love, and mourn the relationship, in order to get over the relationship. Failure to do this only means that you will continue to romantisize the relationship and keep it alive. So grab a tub (or two) of ice cream, cry your eyes out, and move on. The article states that once you get past the relationship, it will simply become a neutral topic to you.

http://cms.psychologytoday.com/rss/pto-19920101-000002.html

Stephanie

Looking for Love

2005-10-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

The complaint is well known: women meet men who want to have sex right away, even on the first date. How can a woman get a man to wait until she knows him better?

There are a few ways this issue can be addressed, so I will be making two points: one will pertain to how a woman presents herself and behaves on a date, which is addressed specifically to women. In the second point I will address the sex and dating issue directly, which will be of benefit to women as well as men.

When I hear women complain that the only thing that men are interested in is sex, I try to get them to look at themselves first before casting all of the blame on men. For example, if you are dating online, what is the message that your profile conveys about you? Let's start with your pictures: do you look smartly attractive in a variety of poses, or do your pictures instead exude sex with a "come hither" look? In your profile, how do you describe yourself, the men who interest you, and your ideal date? If it contains too many references to romance, this can be confused with wanting sex.

So be sure that your profile makes you sound appealing while simultaneously showing you as a woman of substance who is looking for a solid guy.

How do you behave while on the first date? It's important that you act in a friendly, but not too flirtatious manner. Make sure that you are wearing attractive (but not too sexy) clothes and that your shade of lipstick doesn't shout out "kiss me!" A man will respond to your lead if you start to touch him, so make sure that your gestures are meant to be friendly, not ones that would convey an interest in being grabbed and hotly pursued.

Even if a woman passes her own assessment of the cues and clues that she communicates, it's important to remember just how powerful sex hormones can be. Since there is a natural biological basis to chemistry and attraction, it will call out to be gratified. Instead of going for instant gratification, I suggest that singles channel their experience of chemistry to concentrate on learning more about their dating partner-to determine if you share a similar life path, and see if s/he has the necessary enduring qualities essential for a creating a committed relationship. This kind of learning is best accomplished when you spend your time together asking questions, listening to answers, and paying attention to behaviors.

But what happens if you and your dating partner end up in "lip lock" and are headed towards the bedroom? Sure, you might "learn" a lot about each other, but not with the same objectivity had you kept your clothes on. So it's important that you and your dating partner have the same answer to this question-- what are you looking for in a relationship? Are you looking for love, or are you looking for sex?

If you are a man or a woman honestly searching for a life partner relationship, then this should not be a difficult question to answer. Many psychological and sociological studies have found that when people experience instant chemistry, and then act on it quickly by engaging in sex, there is a higher chance that the relationship will "crash & burn," instead of becoming a lasting and loving partnership.

Relationships that last might have a strong chemical component in the beginning, and this can be a good thing! However, it's not necessarily the only essential ingredient for creating a long-term relationship. Growing together has to "take root" in something more than chemistry since attraction, being biochemically based, can wax and wane. And experiencing chemistry with someone does not guarantee anything whatsoever in the future. Look instead to develop a friendship based in similar interests, values, priorities and life goals. These are the qualities that will contribute to creating a loving relationship that lasts.

© Copyright 2005 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.

About Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. Practicing as a psychologist for over 20 years, Janice has treated many singles looking to get married, but who had become depressed and demoralized by the dating process. She now uses her skills and experience to help healthy singles overcome the obstacles preventing them from attaining the relationships and lives they really want. Janice has been quoted in Cosmopolitan Magazine, writes the "Love Coach" advice column on http://www.JMatch.com, has a free e-newsletter and gives teleclasses, lectures and workshops. Check out her "Get Your Love Right!" blog, read other dating-related Q's&A's and articles, and sign up for a complimentary 40 minute telephone coaching session by visiting her website at http://www.DoctorLoveCoach.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

Dating Red Flags - When the Behavior Does Not Match the Words

2005-10-18T10:13:00.000-07:00

You folks know how I love to delve into those Red Flags. Here is a recent article that I read and enjoyed.
Stephanie Manley

Q: The woman I am dating is very confusing. She will promise to do something and I believe she really means it, and then goes out and either does not do what she promised and/or does the opposite.

This is starting to drive me nuts, and I'm not sure what to do about it. Can you help?

A: One of the main principles that has helped me through all of these years of working with people is this:

"Does the person's behavior match their words?"

If the behavior of a person matches the words of the person, then there are grounds for trusting this person. If the behavior does not match the words, consistently over time, then those are strong grounds for not trusting someone.

If you are dating someone who consistently says one thing and then does another, this is a major red flag. Warning bells should be going off.

There is a word for consistently saying one thing and doing another.

It's called lying.

The key phrase here is "consistent over time." Most folks who say one thing, but do something else are also gifted at making excuses -- another reason not to trust them. If you do not and cannot trust someone, what do you really have, besides potential heartache?

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for more tips and tools for living the life you love with the love of your life.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

The Wolf You Feed

2005-10-16T09:25:00.000-07:00

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on
inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority,
and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:

"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Great Expectations

2005-10-13T14:21:00.000-07:00

This is a great article that I read at Pyschology Today.

Great Expectations
Summary: Has the quest to find the perfect soul mate done more harm than good? Psychologists provide insight into how the never-ending search for ideal love can keep you from enjoying a marriage or a healthy relationship that you already have.
http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-3300.html
Click here

Stephanie

When your Lover is a Liar

2005-10-12T11:18:00.000-07:00

"Brain-imaging techniques that reveal when a person is lying are now
reliable enough to identify criminals, claim researchers. Critics
maintain that the technique will never be useful for such
investigations, arguing that, as with traditional polygraph
detectors, liars could learn to fool the tests. And researchers in
the field have previously admitted that the approach needs more
work. But neuroscientists from the University of Pennsylvania School
of Medicine in Philadelphia have now told Nature that they believe
their test is ready for real-life scenarios. Daniel Langleben and
his colleagues use functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to
track people's brains when they lie and tell the truth. By analysing
brain activity during both scenarios, they have developed an
algorithm that can detect lies from truth with 99% accuracy." Learn
more at Nature.com.

More here:

http://www.nature.com/news/2005/050919/pf/437457a_pf.html

Want to know more about a person? Look at their friends.

2005-10-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

Want to know more about a person? Look at their friends.
By Stephanie Manley

Do you want to know more about the person you are dating? See who their friends are. Knowing who a person hangs around tells you so much about them. What at their values? Do they have long term stable relationships? Are all of their friends short term newly minted friendships? Does your potential mate keep you away from their friends? Answers to these questions can be green lights, or huge red flags. Let's take a look what you can find out.

First off there are many signs in just meeting their friends that can give you major clues. Take note, do they have friends? Now if they just moved into an area, cut them some slack. If they have been rooted in an area for awhile they should have some long term relationships. If they have no long term relationships, they are not likely to have a long term relationship with you. Now, if they do not introduce you to their friends, stay away, no run the other way. If a person doesn't bother to introduce you to their friends, there is a reason behind it. Chances are it isn't a positive reason.

Now, say you have met their friends. Look at their character. Do they have similar beliefs as you do. If you are against drug and alcohol abuse, make sure they feel the same way. If all of their friends are complicated, for example they lie, they have unusual criminal pasts, bizarre relationships, chances are your potential mate thinks these things are ok. We all have one or two friends that come from unusual molds and we love them for it. If all of their friends have issues, look out. Also note what their friends say about your potential mate. Are these positive things? Are they relating stories about your potential mate that you wish you never heard before? If this is the case walk away.

Now, we have gone over some red flags; failure you introduce you to their friends, short term friendships, the character of their friends, what their friends say about them. Look at these things, exam them closely. If you see a lot of red flags, examine the relationship early. Do not wait. Also, keep in mind, if your partner introduces you readily to their friends, and tries to integrate you into their lives that is a wonderful positive sign. Are their friends all people you want to be around, you may have found the right person. Friends are a wonderful barometer to judge qualities about your potential significant other.

Why Can't We Just Get Along

2005-10-11T12:57:00.000-07:00

Why Can't We Just Get Along
By Stephanie Manley

In relationships with other people we often struggle when we as a member of a couple have disagreement with our partner. Sometimes it helps to look at a situation with a different set of eyes. So often when we have a disagreement or a falling out with our partner we look at the situation with the mindset that our partner did something to us. Thinking that our partner did something to us is the easiest, and likely the most familiar way to look at a situation. Perhaps a better way to look at the situation would be to look at the situation would be to think of the disagreement is something that has been created between the couple.

Looking at the problem with the eyes that it is a situation that has been created by both partners may be a better way to address larger issues surrounding a disagreement. As if we look at problem as a situation that has been created rather than being something that has been done to us opens us up to more solutions. If we are able to set aside immediate differences we can learn to be more flexible in finding resolutions. Your partner should also do the same. This way you both can be involved in finding resolutions.

In addition to being open to more resolutions, you can also cast aside petty issues you may have with your partner, and view them in larger terms. For example, you and your partner may have a larger problem, why let things like who left their shoes out get in the away of solving a larger argument. If you are looking to keep up with a relationship you will want to look at things long term. At times that means setting aside petty arguments for the greater good of the relationship.

One way to promote a relationship and keep a relationship on the right track, is to look at problems at not what the other person did to you, but rather as a situation that has been created between you two. This eliminates the need to blame one person for situation, and it also helps not to make a situation 100% any one person's fault. So next time you have a major disagreement with your partner, consider approaching the issue as a problem that has been created between you two, and see what happens.

Be A Great Date

2005-10-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

The single life can be fun. But whether you are looking for a partner, or just enjoying meeting new people, dating is part of what being single is all about. The problem is that dating can be tough. It is sometimes scary, usually exciting, often disappointing. Some of this you have no control over, but here are some tips for being the best date that you can be:
Follow through on commitments: show up or call when you say you are going to. This shows respect for the other person's time and feelings.

Take responsibility for your feelings and actions: that means that if something pushes your button, it is up to you to handle it maturely. Do not expect someone that you barely know to be able to know the complicated roadmap of you.

Know your strengths and weaknesses: be realistic and be able to laugh at yourself and embrace your quirks.

Be able to take the other person's perspective: if you don't do anything else on the list, learn how to do this! Show empathy and put yourself in his/her shoes. This helps you to connect with each other and get to know each other on a deeper level, and it makes your more likeable.

Respect people's differences in taste, style, opinions, and preferences.

Be a good listener and ask good questions: this shows interest in getting to know the other person.

Disclose appropriately: it is important to let the other person see more than just a superficial side of you, so it is important to let your guard down somewhat. Value openness and build trust. Note: this is not the time to discuss your deepest darkest secrets.

Know how to handle your feelings of anxiety, anger, stress, arousal. Your date shouldn't have to be responsible for managing your behaviour or emotions. Control impulses but be spontaneous.

Be assertive rather than angry and controlling or passive. State your concerns and preferences clearly, and do not expect your date to be a mind-reader or to be able to decipher what-you-say vs. what-you-mean. Just say what you mean.

Learn to negotiate and compromise. Things don't always have to go your way and you don't always have to be in your comfort zone. Who knows? You might be pleasantly surprised.

Handle conflict maturely and respectfully.

Learn to distinguish between your dates words/actions and your reactions/judgements. These two things may not be related at all. You are bringing your lifetime of experiences to this date and an innocent remark or behaviour may mean something completely different to you than it does to your date, so don't react before thinking about whether this might be the case.

Be authentic. That means Be Yourself. Otherwise you are wasting everyone's time. Also, most people have a sensitive radar for phonies and it isn't attractive.

Learn these skills and use these tips, and don't be discouraged if some of these are difficult for you- it is possible to learn how to be a great date- ask for help if you need it!

And then clearly imagine your future with the partner of your dreams.
Dr. Gayla DeHart, from Vancouver, Canada, is a Professional Coach with a Ph.D. in Psychology. She provides coaching services to single professionals who want to hone their dating skills, and offers a special package that includes an emotional intelligence (people skills) assessment, review, and post-date debriefing. Click here to contact Dr. DeHart http://www.achieveexcellence.ca/contact

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

Know What You Are Looking For

2005-10-06T11:12:00.000-07:00

Know What You Are Looking For
By Stephanie Manley

Sometimes when we are seeking potential dating partners we may not know exactly what we want, and therefore we do not always choose wisely. Knowing what you are seeking is a great way to know you are going to be happy with your choices. So often we may make close, but not quite right choices when dating just to have a relationship, that we are doomed to fail before we even get started. Are you looking for someone to fulfill you spititually, emotionally, or something else?

We should ask ourselves are we looking to have a casual or a committed relationship? Being in synch on the reality of the relationship is highly important. We need to make known to someone how we feel either way. If you are with someone that is desiring a more casual relationship than we are, we are bound to feel unhappy when they express they want to see other people. While we may be in tune for a more serious relationship, we really need to be with people who also feel the same way.

What goals do we have in mind when it comes to a relationship? Are we looking for a marriage partner? Do we desire a fun person to hang out with on the weekends? Or are we somewhere inbetween. If we are looking for a person to hang out with, and if the person you are going out with is looking to settle down, your going to have a huge mismatch because people are looking for different things. While you may have a person that seems like they are the right person, but if your end goals are different, neither person will be happy in the end.

What are we looking for a relationship to accomplish in your life is also something to consider in a relationship. Are we looking for someone we can grow with spiritually? Choosing a dating partner who does not value spirituality is not a good choice. Are we looking for someone to connect with emotionally? You have to choose someone who cares about emotions and how people feel to feel satisfied.

You really need to know what you are looking for to be satisfied in dating? It helps you choose and eliminate people that may not be appropriate for you. If you are looking settled down, it is unlikely that a person who is looking for someone to hang out with will work for you. Make sure you find out a little bit about what the other person values, and is looking for before settling into the relationship. Careful selection will definitely assist you in finding people that are more appropriate for you.

Respect

2005-10-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

We are all looking for the right person, the right person is someone who will respect you. What are signs of respect? Respect is someone paying attention to your desires in physical boundaries. Respect is someone not trying to hone in on your personal life, and take it over. Respect is someone treating you with empathy that you deserve. If you are not receiving these things, you need to cut that person out of your life and find someone who will respect you.

Physical boundaries can be something as simple as someone not standing to close to you and touching you all of the time. Think about teenages, and when they discover romance, they are always hanging on their partner, as an adult, we like our space most of the time. When someone constantly tries to stay so close they make you uncomfortable, it may be time to move onward. This can also be someone trying to push for physical intimacy before you are ready for it. People who respect you will respect the pace you want to have physical intimacy with them. Failure to do this it failing to respect your physical boundaries.

We all know that in the bloom of a new relationship people want to quickly become a part of each others lives. While we all want to incorporate a new person into our life, we may not want them to come in and take over. For example if you have a set boy/girls night, and your new romantic partner wants you to stop that, that is a warning sign they are not respecting you. You need to be on the look out for those who wish to rapidly dominate your life, those are individuals that are not healthy for you to be around.

If a person doesn't give you empathy in your sad moments they aren't likely to have the capacity to understand how you feel. This is the type of person you want to run away from. For example, say your having a horrible day, you have a flat, and your partner doesn't understand why you may be running late. These people are likely not to be mature enough to understand what it takes to be in a relationship with someone else, and yes, that someone else includes you.

So, we all have to surround ourselves with others who respect us, this includes in both in romantic and non romantic relationships. We need to always surround ourselves with those of us who are healthy for us, and those who respect us. We have physical, emotional, and spritiual boundaries, being with someone that who can not respect your limits is not likely to be someone that will suddenly grow into having that ability. Limiting relationships with those who do not respect you is the better solution, rather than allowing unhealthy relationships grow and continue.

What is a healthy Relationship

2005-10-03T05:37:00.000-07:00

Countless times individuals want to hold on to a love that is not healthy because many years have been invested. They say things like “we’ve been together for all these years, why leave.” Sometimes people stay in a bad relationship because it looks good to the outside world or because they are unsure what life would be like without their mate. However, deep inside their hearts they long to experience a truly fulfilling love.

I held on to an unhealthy relationship for 7 years before I came to the realization that it was not worth it for me to hang on any longer. The first year was the good year and the rest were off and on, and filled with disrespect, dishonesty, and emotional abuse. I held on because we had one thing in common, and I thought it was enough to make a future. I honestly believed we loved each other, and that in the end we would marry. I was wrong, and once I began to experience real love I realized that for years I had held on to an empty dream.

The term “unhealthy relationship” is thrown around so often by so many, that I feel compelled to explain what I mean by this term. I mean consistent destructive, abusive, disrespectful, unsupportive, uncaring, and demoralizing behavior. I mean the kind of deeds that make you feel anxious to take your partner around your friends and family, for fear of humiliation or embarrassment. I mean constant withdrawal and abandonment, and loveless actions and responses.

What happens in an unhealthy relationship is not to be confused with the constant minor annoyances within a healthy relationship. Nor the brief phases that partners go through, which make them seem distance. There are aspects of love that do cause minor hurts and aggravations, but may not warrant leaving a gratifying relationship. We may not like it or even admit it, but love can hurt. We are imperfect beings, so we tend to have personality issues, which we bring into every relationship we have with other imperfect beings. The result is often minor bickering, power struggles, and hurt feelings. However, mature adults who see value in their relationships talk over these problems and eventually work them out. They usually become closer and develop a keen sense of understanding.

There is a difference between an unhealthy relationship and a healthy relationship with normal human clashing. If you are unsure of the kind of relationship or friendship you are in, evaluate it, and pray for discernment. Ask yourself these few questions:

Does this person have my best interest at heart more often than not?
Does this person have positive things to say to me more often than not?
Am I proud to have others see my relationship with this person?
Does this person forgive me easily when I mess up?
Does this person show me genuine love?
Do I feel valued in this relationship?
Do I smile and laugh when I am with this person?
Am I supported in this relationship even when I am silly, angry, unhappy, insecure, or sad?
Do I feel free to be myself around this person?
Would others think this person abuses me?

If you find that you are in a relationship or a friendship that is not healthy for you, don’t be afraid to move on. Don’t think you can change the other person, just go. To linger longer than you should will only drain you and could possibly make you bitter. Refuse to be used, abused, hurt, misunderstood, and degraded. Know that something or someone better is out there for you.

If you find that your relationships and friendships are fulfilling, but have small issues, keep working at it. Keep talking it out, and keep being honest and open. We all have issues to work through, and as a result experience relationship struggles. We can work it out if we keep working at it.

Brooke Brimm has a Master's degree in Professional Counseling and 8 years experience working in the field of Human Science. She has been married since 1993 and has two beautiful daughters. Ms. Brimm is the author of an ezine, Loves Gumbo. Contact her at lovesgumbo@comcast.net to join.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

Ten Tips On How To Get That Guy

2005-09-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

More often than not you find my original postings, when I find others of merit I will post them as well. Here was a recent unique find.

Ten Tips On How To Get That Guy
By Roy Barker

1. Show the Guy That You Are Vulnerable

Men need to feel needed, yes it may be from the dinosaurs but it does still apply. I do not mean that you have to be weak, give in to whatever he wants, and put up with any way he treats you I am not suggesting that. Many men like strong women, but strong women who put out that they do not need a guy often end up alone. It is fine to be strong but try and temper it with "ok here is a situation where I can be vulnerable". Men have a strong protective instinct, though they may rarely show it.

2. Let The Guy Think That He Is Doing The Hunting

Men love the thrill of the chase, it is in their genetic makeup, it is definately a male thing. Play a little secretive and hard to get, and men will flock like bees to honey.That means having a sense of your own worth, men hate women who are clingy. They are not props, they hate boosting a womens ego all the time. In fact men want a real balanced person. Make him feel he wants to make the first move and do the chasing. Women learn to manipulate men at a very early age. By the age of five most girls have learnt how to wrap their father around there little finger.

3. "Let The Guy Think That He Is Mr Right Rather Than Mr Right Now!"

Stroke their egos, they are not a ticket to go out and pay all the time, let them know that you really value them as a person.

4. Laugh At His Jokes

This is imperative that a man feels he is funny and witty and is an extension of three, they are valued for their sense of humour. Where would we be in life without laughter.

5. Never Call Him After The First During The Next Week

If a guy is interested in seeing you again, trust me he will call you in the first week. He will do this even if he says he has to go out of town. If you call him, you come across as over-anxious. You appear desperate, and are more likely to scare the guy off. It is OK to ask him out the first time but not the second.

6. If You Are Dating Online Get A Professional Photo Taken At A Studio

When dating online you have to market yourself to be successful. A professional photographer will know how to get the best shots out of you and make you look your very best.

7.Don't Go Out With Your Girlfriends In Large Groups

Some men feel that approaching a women in a large group is intimidating. Go out in smaller groups, and make it easier for an interested guy to approach you.

8. Approach Him

Be confidant enough to approach him and ask him if he wants to go for a coffee. If you're not sure whether he is gay or not, then approach him anyway. If he gives you the brush-over then you have lost nothing, but you can pat yourself on the back for taking the initiative, most men will be flattered by this.

9. You Like Him But He Is Ignoring You

Guys are insecure, and they want to feel liked, and popular. Start ignoring him for a while, not rudely, you don't have to make an issue out of it. Just look right through him, and he will start to be piqued. There is no guarantee here he may not take it any further, it may just boost his confidance, but you have not lost anything

10. Don't Appear To Be Desperate

Desperation is a real turn off for men. It is an indicator that a woman is going to start to get clingy, and that is not good. Appear yourself and show a friendly interest

Author & Publisher Roy Barker. You'll find more detail and recommended guides on how to attract your man and more at http://www.datingxlence.com a site renowned for it's reviews on the top dating sites and that's only after they have screened out the others. These are also accurately categorised for your ease of use. It's a free service.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

If the fish do not bite

2005-09-24T22:12:00.000-07:00

If the fish do not bite...
By Stephanie Manley

If the fish do not bite, move to more fertile waters. Often we see someone that we find attractive, and while we put on the best face we can, they are uninterested. If someone is truly interested in you, they will make that known. You will not need to continue to place yourself on audition for the, and get no results, if someone is interested they will show it. If that person that you have you eye on isn’t taking the bait, move to where someone is.

Call it irony, call it God’s good blessing, that everyone isn’t attracted to everyone else. There will always be not so great choices, and some wonderful choices out there. Is it by design that not everyone attracts you in a romantic way, or is it just a good thing. With this in mind, you shouldn’t get discouraged when that other person isn’t interested enough in you to pursue a relationship.

So if you are extending out invitations, your phone calls aren’t being returned, and the person isn’t open to spending time with you because they are too busy, let it go. If you call people to dinner they come, and if they don’t, guess what, they aren’t hungry. You need to cut these outpourings within a reasonable time before people become uncomfortable. It isn’t about being antisocial; it is about you not wasting your time.

If people are interested, they return phone calls. They do show up when you invite them, and they do make an effort to spend time with you. Watch for these signs. Yes, some people are off to slow starts, and that’s ok; just make sure you’re getting positive feedback. If you are getting lukewarm feedback, it is time for you to rethink your position on this particular person, and see if it is a slow start, or if it is simply time to move on.

One thing to remember when you are looking for a potential partner is that you are getting positive feedback. This is in returned phone calls, they show up when you invite them, and they are willing to do their share in keeping lines of communication open. If they are doing less than that, that person isn’t as interested in you as you are in them. So before you get a lot invested into a lukewarm relationship, simply look elsewhere for that special person.

Online Dating Tips

2005-09-20T05:50:00.000-07:00

Online Dating Tips
By Stephanie Manley

I know that in our busy world more and more of us turn to online dating as a viable way to meet potential new dating partners. With that being said, we should also address how to date online safely, and how to avoid some of those red flags. When meeting people in a face to face environment we get many more clues and signals than when we do online. So, we should pay attention to what is being said or not said in email. Here are a few suggestions that are worth taking a look at.

Listen, I mean really listen to them. What are they saying? Does it make sense? A huge red flag is if someone’s past time line doesn’t make sense or if it just doesn’t add up. Now, it is unlikely your going to meet a doctor who has ten years of experience at age 25. Look for this. Are they talking too much about their ex? If they are constantly talking about their ex, on some level they are still invested with their ex. Stay away. Do they have a criminal history? You may not want to date someone that committed manslaughter no matter how compelling his reason for it was.

Get a current photo. Make sure you post one. We all gain/lose weight, and hair. Be honest. If you expect someone else to be honest, make sure you are. You may need to ask if this picture current. In fact ask for more than one photo. I know we all shouldn’t be superficial like that, but you definitely want to know what your signing up for

Meet soon. Meet in a public place, meet that person there. Do not leave with them, leave your form of transportation, or any other means of travel that you have. Meet soon to avoid developing large amounts of emotional intimacy before seeing the total picture. This perspective partner may have twitches, poor personal habits, poor eating habits, may cuss like a sailor…. You get the idea. Once again make sure you know what the person is all about.

Don’t rush into a relationship. Take your time, when we are in “love” we also need to keep the brain engaged. Sometimes the person who turn us on the most, offer the least in terms of a potential relationship. You do not need to get married, go steady, date exclusively after the first date. Wait.

You may want to look into checking into the person’s background. Get their full name, where they work, and their home phone number. You can do something simple like verify that the person lives at the phone number they have given you. If the phone number they have given you is to a Mr. and Mrs. look for this. It is a simple check, you can do for free.

The main thing is make sure your being safe when you chose to date online. You do not know the other person, and you do not have the normal signals that you would if you were dating someone face to face. Be careful, honestly people will do these things, just as you would. Do not waste your time on relationships that are built out of dishonestly, or misinformation. Your time is worth too much to you do to anything otherwise.

Dating Advice: Three Mistakes to Avoid When Writing an Online Dating Service Profile

2005-09-20T05:28:00.000-07:00

After four years of reading more than 10,000 profiles of men and women looking for a partner through online dating services, I've laughed at my fair share of poorly written introductions.

Of those 10,000 online dating service profiles, no more than a dozen captured my attention enough to make the first move. I'm sure that you want to get lots of responses to your online dating service advertisement, or else why would you bother joining a site, and paying a small fee to meet new people? If that is the case, then make sure you avoid the following three mistakes at all costs:

Dating Advice Point 1. “I'm the One Your Mother Warned You About”

This is, from my research anyway, the most overused sentence in an opening line for online dating service profiles. True, it's the generic choice of some of the larger sites (such as Lavalife or True) - if your profile is awaiting approval, this tag line may show up while waiting for the a-okay. To avoid this, come up with something a bit more original and unique. Bu what if you aren't sure what that may be? Well, it's not hard to take a look at your competition in the online dating service field, so why not do a quick search and see what everyone else is doing? Reading other people's description of themselves may just get your creative juices flowing. At the very least, it'll show you what everyone else is saying about themselves - and what key phrases and words you should therefore avoid in turn.

Dating Advice Point 2. “I Might Be the One you're Looking For”

This may be the case. However, by using this combination of words anywhere in your online dating service profile, you aren't telling me, or any other potential suitor, anything new.

What this line does say to someone checking you out is that the online dating service profiler didn't do a lot of thinking about how they wanted to present themselves. Tell people what gets your eyes twinkling or what REALLY gets you up in the morning - and don't say it's your alarm clock, either. Now is the time to let your passions really shine through.

Dating Advice Point 3. Glaring Spelling or Grammatical Mistakes

This tip may seem childish, or trite - but it's of the utmost importance. While chatting with someone online, you may have some fast typing or spelling mistakes that a potential suitor may find annoying. But until you get to that stage with someone, NO ONE should know that you've got dyslexia, or just can't spell worth beans.

It shows a lot to a potential suitor while they peruse the online dating services that someone has taken the time to spell check their document. Hell, get a friend to read over it for you if need be in case you've missed something important. But if you cannot take the time to write something legible, most people perusing the online dating service websites will assume you won't have time to bother doing other, more important small tasks. And when you only have a couple of seconds to make that first impression before someone clicks on another person - every single details counts.

To Get Even More Free Dating Advice Visit http://www.DatingAdvice.ws

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

Know Who You Are

2005-09-08T05:14:00.000-07:00

Know who you are
By Stephanie Manley

While you are dating someone we often lose a sense of our self that we may have initially had. It is highly important that we maintain who and what we are while we date that person. So often our own ideals, morals, and wants can change when we are dating someone. We need to maintain our ideals, morals, and wants throughout the relationship, as doing that will keep us on track with the type of relationship that we want.

When you first date someone in the new bliss of a relationship we often compromise ourselves perhaps in the desire to finally have that one right relationship. While it’s ok to make some compromises, other will only serve to haunt us later in the relationship, and later down the road. One example may be drug use, if you are dating someone that may use drugs casually, say only on the weekend, or at a party, and if this was something that you were against, this may not work out for you later. At some time and point, you will have to address this disconnect, whether it means you changing your beliefs or you getting rid of that partner.

Another example might be the way someone treats you. Knowing where your personal boundaries are can help keep you on track. Let’s say you are against any type of verbal abuse such as a partner yelling at you. You notice that sometimes in heated discussions, that all couples have your partner yells at you, or may call you names. You know these are things you are against and do not want any part of. You will once again be forced to choose if this behavior is ok, or if you are going to have to part ways with your partner.

Your spiritual life may be an important area for you. If you engage in a dating relationship with someone that does not value a spiritual life, this will come up eventually. As your partner may not understand when you go to religious services or when you may need to spend time practicing your faith. Again, this disconnect will eventually rise to the service.

It is vitally important that you know enough about yourself, your beliefs, and your wants and desires in a relationship. All disconnects will become apparent, and you will have to make adjustments accordingly. It is important that you know what is important to you, and you make these areas known early on to establish your boundaries. This way you and your partner are both clear on what the areas of compromise are.

Assuming Personal Responsibility in Relationships

2005-08-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

Stephen Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families says that responsibility is really the “ ability to choose our response.” We don’t have to respond to stimuli and triggers the same way we have always done. We do have a choice. It may take some practice and a real commitment on our part to let go of old patterns and try something new, but it is worth it in peace of mind, deeper relationships and conversations that don’t end in arguments. The kind of communication we seek depends on a number of things; mutual respect and courtesy, a willingness to listen to other points of view and good timing.

If you want to improve communication in relationships find the proper time for a friendly talk. It’s usually not a good idea to try talking in the midst of conflict or dispute. At such times, it’s best to withdraw from the conflict, maintaining mutual respect. This will make it possible to open discussion at a later time.

By looking at the triangle of conflict resolution below you will see that in order to have harmony in relationships, we must grant equal energy and respect for the three points.

Assume Personal Responsibility

Have I done all I can do to resolve this conflict?
Have I looked for solutions?
Am I willing to compromise?
To forgive?
To let it go?
If the conflict can’t be resolved, am I willing to live with it or walk away?

Respect for Myself Respect for the Other Person

I have a right to my feelings
He has a right to his feelings

One of the hardest lessons we have to learn as humans is you can not force others to do as you wish and you must make choices based on this. The only thing we truly have control over is our own inner thoughts and outer actions. We can provide information, influence and suggestions to our loved ones and associates, but the desire to change must be within the individual. Accountability and responsibility involves claiming our own power and using our wisdom to create different results in life.

Accountability occurs either consciously or unconsciously and can be changed the same way.

Some common phrases and actions used to avoid taking responsibility:

* I had no choice. We always have a choice, even though we may not like the consequences.

* I had no control. A good example of this is a couple arguing with harsh and ugly words flying back and forth. The phone rings and it is the Pastor! Notice how the voice tone and facial expression changes as the partner calmly and pleasantly chats. When the conversation ends, the phone slams down and the screaming resumes; they are again “out of control”. No, the behavior commands control and anger is used as a power tool.

* I don’t know. Frequently people will claim not to know something when in their hearts they either do know or could have found out. This is an excuse to let ourselves off the hook and avoid blame.

* I forgot. You mean you chose not to remember. A variation of this theme involves becoming so busy doing things that we want to do that we “forget” to tend to the matters that are considered important by others and ourselves.

* I’ll try. This is a non-accountable response. It creates tension and confusion in relationships and discounts the credibility of the speaker. It is also a blatant lie. We will either be there or do the assignment or we won’t. Be authentic to yourself and others.

* If you do..Then I will.. This strategy places conditions and hoops for the other person to jump through It is as if we are drawing an invisible line in the sand and only we will know when and if they have crossed it. How does the other person ever know when they have done enough or the right thing? Typically, people who use this strategy to avoid accountability in their own life just place the bar or hoop higher and higher for the other person.

* It’s not my fault, she/ he made me do it. When we blame others we prevent ourselves from learning and growing. We block out important information and give our power away. By becoming a non-blamer, we understand and communicate that there are many sides to every story.

* That’s just the way I am. This non-accountable strategy justifies an unwillingness to move off our position and puts the responsibility on others to shift or change. By saying, “I have always been shy or I come from a long line of procrastinators”, we reinforce that we are powerless. We always have choices and if the choice you made years ago are not working, then you are free to choose again and change your behavior and thoughts.

* I don’t have time to deal with it. Of course you have time. In fact, each of us has exactly the same amount of time. 24 hours a day. How we choose to spend our time is the real issue. Relationships that need healing will not do it without help. There needs to be a catalyst to change. Ignoring a situation and hoping it will improve very seldom works and if it does, it is only on the surface. Which of these common excuses to avoid accountability have you used most often? All of them are roadblocks to harmonious relationships and stifle growth. Here are some suggestions for win-win situations.

* Let me listen to you first. Help me to understand where you are coming from. Truly listen with your heart, ears and eyes. Be present, not planning what your rebuttal will be. This is just practicing the Golden Rule, treating others as you would like to be treated.

* Would you be willing to search for a solution that is better than what either of us is now proposing? Aim for a solution where everybody wins something.

* I apologize for jumping to conclusions. Perhaps you need more information. It takes a strong person to admit a mistake and doing so

* What do you think would be fair? Seek to understand and then be understood.

* Using “I-messages” instead of “you-messages”. A you-message lays blame and conveys criticisms. It is a verbal attack and suggests the other person is at fault, which puts them in a defensive position. The I-message simply describes how the behavior or situation makes you feel. This message focuses on you not the other person, nor does it assign blame or belittle the other person. It is easier to remain respectful of the other person’s feelings with I-messages.

An easy formula to remember is

1. When (state the behavior)
2. I feel (state the feeling)
3. Because(state the consequence) and
4. I would like (state a solution)

Example: When I see toys all over the floor, I am annoyed and feel cranky because it is not my job to pick them up before lunch.. I feel like if I have to pick them up, I should put them on the shelf for the afternoon. What do you think? Shall I pick them up and put them away for the day or will you do your assignment now?

Good luck and God Bless. You do an important work with your families.

To learn more about the books, articles, workshops and tele-classes available from Judy H. Wright and to receive a FREE newsletter on finding the heart of the story in the journey of life, please go to www.artichokepress.com

©Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator and Family Coach - www.artichokepress.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

2005-08-20T02:39:00.000-07:00

I know many of my posts seem to deal with the downside of a relationship. Honestly, my feelings towards romance and love are quite positive. I know from my personal experience that I have made poor decisions in the past, and have entered into unhealthy relationships. While no relationship is perfect, I can not emphasize enough, make wise choices. Do not let the desire to have a relationship with someone cloud future judgment.
It is very easy to overlook a person's lesser qualities, and we all have qualities within ourselves that aren't always desirable. While this is true, some character traits are always unacceptable when exhibited by another person. My emphasis is learning to pick up those characteristics and save others grief that I have gone though.
Dating and romance should be fun, and an enjoyable experience. Our duty to ourselves is to make sure that our own individual experiences are exactly that, enjoyable.

Relationship Red Flags Do Appear Early On

2005-08-19T05:57:00.000-07:00

Relationship Red Flags Do Appear Early On
By Stephanie Manley

So often in the bloom of a new romance we set aside a few “minor” character flaws to let the relationship continue, where sometimes we really should just end it early, and cut our losses. I’ll make a list of a few of the ones that often come up. Unfortunately, individuals that have these red flags are often the most charismatic people in the room. So be careful when you are starting out, so you can disengage before you are too involved.

1. Do they make all of the decisions for you? They chose where to go, what to eat, who you will be with?
2. Must they know where you are all of the time? Are the calling too often to check up on you? Are they calling you eleven times in an hour because you couldn’t get to the phone? (Calling that often isn’t cute, it’s controlling.)
3. Do they force themselves sexually too early in the relationship? Are they pushing for intimacy too early? Are the pushing you in other intimate areas you do not want to go.
4. Do they lie? If they lie about minor details, they will lie about more, later on. This will happen. It is one thing to lie about small social things, lies about marriages, children, jobs, housing, finances, and past experiences is not acceptable.
5. Are they physically aggressive? Are they mean to your pets or other small animals? Do they hit the walls?
6. Are they kind to other people? Do the run down other people? Stay away if they fail these tests. You will be their subject when you are not in earshot. Maybe not today, but one day, this will happen.
7. Are they putting you down in private or public? We build up people we love; we do not tear them down.
8. Do they want you to slow down other social contacts and be with them instead of others in your social circle?
9. Do they forget important details in your life, or interests that you really hold near and special to you? If they gloss over them, they really think more of themselves than you.
10. Do they fail to acknowledge your areas of expertise? Are you a fantastic cook and they won’t let you cook?

This is really a short list, listen to your gut, your natural instinct, if something feels funny, stop and evaluate it honestly. Ask yourself if your close friend was describing these events and what they would do. If it sounds odd what you’re telling your friend, guess what, it is odd. End the new relationship while it is early, before you give that person your heart.

How realistic are we?

2005-08-15T16:42:00.000-07:00

How realistic are we?
By Stephanie Manley

So often when we think of our ideal mate we give them qualities and attributes that one person may or may not be able to possess. These qualities can be how they look, how they treat us, to something like what kind of job that they have. Are these ideas realistic? Sometimes yes, and sometimes we are way off the mark. A good exercise may be to write down these ideals and see how realistic we are.
By writing down the characteristics we desire in a potential partner we can learn a lot about ourselves. We often look for characteristics in another person that we do not have. Are we looking for someone stable? Are we looking for someone who has equal professional success that we do? Going through the exercise of writing down as many qualities and characteristics helps us to look and see if we are being reasonable.
Personally speaking, I adore tall, dark-haired men, and if they are balding, all the better. Does that mean that I should look only for tall, dark haired men? Most likely, it just means that I like them the best, and that I shouldn’t eliminate everyone else in the dating pool. If I would have stuck to this thought, I would have had about 1/10th of the dates that I have had.
Once you write everything down that you want and desire, you can see are you looking for good qualities in a person, or simply someone to hang on your arm. My guess is that we would easily trade in a few of those superficial qualities for good character traits in a person. Another thing you may benefit from is just by looking, at your list and reviewing past interests.
By reviewing past interests you can see if you are dating people that have qualities that you desire. If you value honesty, and find that you are dating people that aren’t as honest as what you like, you need to readjust your radar, and start looking for people who have the characteristics you want.
By writing down qualities you want in another person, you can tell what you really want and desire. You can also make adjustments and see that are you cultivating relationships with those who have those qualities. It may also be a useful tool in a current relationship to see how that other person measures up. Knowing what you want, is always beneficial when it comes to a relationship, take time out to discover what you want, and decide if you’re being reasonable.

Dress for Dating Success: Clothes to Attract the Man of Your Dreams

2005-08-05T04:39:00.000-07:00

In order to attract the man of your dreams, it helps to dress in a way that honors your beautiful body. When I use the word "honor," I don't mean you should dress like a nun or hide yourself in an ankle-length skirt and a turtleneck.

But you should wear only clothes that make the best of your unique shape. Too many fleshy women (and there are lots of men who prefer robust females over skimpier lasses) are currently wandering the planet in low-rise jeans and tank tops, which results in a phenomenon known as "muffin top." In other words, they're walking around with a wedge of flab over their waistbands. Not a good look.

Before you hop on whatever trend they're pushing in InStyle magazine, ask yourself if the look works for you and your beautiful body. I once read an interview with the actress Sela Ward, in which she said she chooses clothes to show off her amazing flat stomach but avoids items that expose her flabby thighs. You see, nobody's perfect!

The key is to emphasize what you do have and to detract from what you don't. Buy only the clothes that you know you'll put on over and over again because they make you feel fantastic. Think twice about any garment heralded by women's magazines as "must-have" items. The only "must-haves" in life are oxygen and self-esteem.

Which brings me to my next subject: When you go out to a club, a bar or a party, you will notice that 3/4 of the other women are half naked. Yes, some of them look quite good half naked (while the other half look quite scary), but dressing provocatively often attracts the very guys a woman would do better to avoid.

Put it this way: If you don't leave anything to the imagination, you usually attract a guy with no imagination.

At the end of the day, you don't want to attract a guy because he thinks you're hot. You want to attract a guy who likes you for you. Dress sexily but subtly. You don't want your clothes to scream, "I gotta find me a man tonight!"

Dress comfortably. If you feel comfortable, you'll look comfortable, and that's sexy. Here's an example: Once upon a time I went to the beach with some friends who actually have melanin in their skin. They took to their blankets in their cute bikinis, while I (so pale I make Snow White look like Grace Jones) sat beside them wearing Levis, a long-sleeved shirt, and sunglasses.

Out of nowhere, a gorgeous, well-toned man appeared (the type of guy you see in suntan lotion commercials) and asked me, the freak on the beach, what I was reading.

"Wuthering Heights," I said.

"Really?" he asked. "I just finished Jane Eyre."

And so began a little romance.

Still bewildered, I told my male friend B. this story years later. I didn't understand why this Adonis chose Glow-in-the-Dark Terry over the dark lovelies in bikinis.

"I understand completely," B. responded. "The beach was crawling with girls in bikinis, and you presented something else. A little mystery."

"In a pair of Levis?"

"Yeah," he said. "The guy probably thought, this girl is different. I want to talk to her."

Does this mean you should throw away your bikini? Heck, no, especially if you look good in it. But the point is, be true to yourself. Dress to make the very best of your unique and beautiful body.

You'll attract men who are looking for someone special for a change.

Terry Hernon MacDonald is the author of "How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams." Visit her website at http://www.marrysmart.com. Check out her blog at http://happygirlmusing.blogspot.com.

Nip Verbal Abuse in the Bud

2005-08-03T18:41:00.000-07:00

Nip Verbal Abuse in the Bud
By Stephanie Manley

So often in a new relationship we learn the dynamic of the new relationship. This includes how you react together as a couple, with each other, and in group settlings. Backgrounds are very different and as our techniques in dealing and interacting with other people. One thing you need to be on the look out for is verbal abuse. Verbal abuse always takes place before physical abuse does. Knowing what the signs of verbal abuse are as well as being able to stop that treatment early on is key in a relationship.
Verbal abuse happens in many different ways. Examples of verbal abuse are putting someone down, such as calling them fat, or ugly. Other examples are if your significant other willfully ignores you, or otherwise controls contact with them. Easier examples are if your partner jokingly says something like your stupid, or you can’t do that you don’t have enough smarts, or similar remarks. These aren’t the only ways to verbally abuse someone. The key is, if it hurts your feelings, the act is something that needs to be addressed.
You owe yourself and the relationship you are in to be honest about your feelings. You need to address your partner when they make comments like these. You can do so, by saying something like when you call me stupid it hurts my feelings. Then do not accept an answer from your partner such that they were joking. It is not acceptable to joke with someone in that manner, especially someone that you love and adore. You need to tell your partner that behavior is not tolerable and it will not be accepted.
If your partner continues to act like this, you need to decide what you will do. You can decide to walk away from your partner when they make another remark that you find hurtful. You can ignore your partner when they elect to behave that way. Tell your partner that behavior like that is unacceptable, and you will walk away, or leave when they choose to act like that. If your partner does not respond and change in a positive way, you need to keep in mind that if you are just dating, that future treatment can be worse.
Verbal abuse can and does often get worse. Verbal abuse is always a precursor to physical abuse. Keep in mind if your partner was just not taught well as a child, and making hurtful jokes may have been part of their norm growing up. While that may be why they do it, it does not have remain a reason for that type of behavior. Once you tell your partner what they do hurts you, they are obligated to cease this behavior.
While dating someone watch how you are treated, and also watch how you treat someone else. You do not want to sabotage a potential significant relationship due to bad habits of either party. They key is recognizing when verbal abuse happens, talking honestly with your partner about the actions that have occurred, and then noting the changes. You may have to cease contact with the partner by walking away, not seeing your partner for awhile to help get your point across. If the behavior does not change, it is time for serious reflection regarding that relationship. You deserve a relationship free of verbal abuse, and it is up to you to recognize it, and see that it stops, either by helping to change that behavior or leaving the relationship.

Why it’s important to stay in contact with your friends when you’re in a relationship.

2005-08-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

Why it’s important to stay in contact with your friends when you’re in a relationship.
By Stephanie Manley

So often when we begin to enter into a new relationship, it is very easy to get swept up by the romance, and leave behind our friends. With the wonderful bliss that you feel when you enter into a relationship it’s easy to understand why we forget our friends and our everyday relationships. Is this the best way to handle a new relationship? Most likely not, sometimes in the tidal wave rush of new love we get swept away, and can forget the ties, and our desires that make us the special people we are.
Have you ever noticed that in some new relationships that you get simply swept off your feet and right into a new lifestyle? It is so easy to get totally swept into different social circles, or perhaps you begin to modify your own social circle to better please your new partner. While this is an exciting time, it’s great to have close friends who can keep an eye on you, and make sure you are doing well. Sometimes we begin to modify our personality to better please our new partner. We may take on different likes and dislikes, which may be so different than what we enjoyed before.
It is important to maintain your own identity in a new relationship, because while you may be part of a couple, you want the ability to stand on your own two feet. For example if you really enjoy painting you shouldn’t have to give that up to be in a new relationship if your new partner doesn’t enjoy painting. Your strong likes and dislikes should be able to come into play in a new relationship. You shouldn’t have to stifle you favorite interests. Your friends can help you keep a checks and balances going, so you know you’re engaging into a healthy relationship.
In addition that your friends have been your basic support system before your new relationship, you are also their support system. While it can be understandable you want to spend time with your new special person, your friends were there for you before your special person was in your life. There can be hurt feelings on their side by your sudden disappearance. So keep their feelings in mind when you meet your new special person. So you do not loose their friendships.
Good quality friendships provide support, fellowship, and feedback. All of those are wonderful tools when you enter new relationships simply because they can be rulers for how well a relationship is going. When you lose yourself into a new relationship you aren’t always benefiting yourself. Often when the newness of a relationship wears off and when you want to reconnect with your old friends, you want to make sure you haven’t alienated them, and that they are still there with their support, fellowship, and feedback.

Why date someone that you wouldn't have as your friend?

2005-07-21T19:59:00.000-07:00

Why date someone you wouldn’t have as a friend?
By Stephanie Manley

Sometimes in dating we so often settle for people that we would not normally have as friends? Why is that? Does the desire to be in a relationship outweigh our standards in love that we will take on a relationship with someone that isn’t good for us? I think that we often let loneliness overshadow our standards that we set. We need to stick to our desires and not engage ourselves into relationships that we wouldn’t ordinarily engage in.

So often we find people that are almost right in dating, but they tend to fall short. They may fall short on honestly, integrity, or their priorities that we have set for ourselves. Yet, that desire to engage in the relationship short circuits the judgments that we normally have set in place. We tend to be picky when it comes to selecting close friends, and we have levels of friendships with different people, but unfortunately with romantic relationships those levels do not seem to be able to be followed.

Our romantic relationships are somewhat like a light switch, either fully on or fully off. Often we do not use the process of dating to be a get to know you period, but rather we engage in closer romantic relationships too quickly. Sometimes we have already become very involved with someone before we realize they do not have the qualities that we desire the most.

What happens when we realize we are seriously involved with someone that we aren’t in alignment with in things that are important to us? We tend to find ourselves in relationships that are doomed to fail at one time or another. Eventually the characteristics that irritate us now, will be like a great divide later in the relationship. Its unfortunate but these things will come back to haunt the relationship at some time and point in the future.

Perhaps the better approach would be to take things slow and easy when first starting a relationship with a new person. We need to also take stock of what our true desires are in that other person before we engage in an intimate relationship, and constantly judge that person against what our goals and values are before we become seriously involved. Knowing what we what in a relationship before engaging in a relationship will aide us in selecting the right person before we are at the bridal registry, and while we can safely back out of a potential relationship.

Why Settle

2005-07-18T04:30:00.000-07:00

Why Settle?
By Stephanie Manley

When dating we all too often settle for someone that is not quite right. Why should we ever settle for something that isn’t quite right, especially when it comes to person that you hope to have an intimate relationship with? It may be ok to settle for a hamburger when you really want a steak, but when you’re dating; you’re talking about a relationship that is vital to you as a person. Why not define what you want before hand and then let potential dates match up to your standards?

One of the key components in dating and finding someone you want is first knowing what you want. For example think of the last time you really craved say something as simple as ice cream. You might have known the flavor you wanted, you might have known what type of ice cream you wanted. Let’s say your craving dark chocolate ice cream, and well someone offers you a vanilla pudding cup. Is that vanilla pudding cup going to cure that craving? It’s not likely. Would a chocolate pudding cup quench that hunger, most likely not?

The best thing you can do in finding the right person is knowing yourself, and what you really want. You need to take that time out to fully understand your desires before you can translate that into the relationships that you are looking for. For example, if you really want a person with a spiritual side, you better disclose that just like you would when you say what type of movies you like. If you fail to express this, you will either set yourself up for failure because that other person will not have those qualities, or that it’s likely you will be matched to the wrong person.

Do not think that I am advocating a super critical list that only allows for exacting standards. What I am advocating if for you to take time out and to learn from your past mistakes, and dig into why your past relationships failed. That does require some homework on your part. You need to take the time out to see where you looking for someone that was Christian, more loving, someone that was naturally into the arts. One thing is certain you can’t go into a relationship thinking you can change that other person, you can only change yourself.

So, why settle? You shouldn’t. Know yourself well enough to know what you really want out of a relationship. The dating stage should be fun, and exciting.
You should learn new things about that other person, and enjoy their company; it shouldn’t be about struggling to make this other person fit into our mold. One thing we can do is to take time out and look at our past relationships, and see what worked for us, and what didn’t, this may help you to decide what you are really looking for. The point to make clear is that you should never settle!

What is a boundary in a relationship?

2005-07-14T20:12:00.000-07:00

Relationships: What in the world is a boundary?
By Stephanie Manley

You might ask yourself, I have heard this word boundary, but I do not know what it means. Boundaries are often mentioned in terms of relationships. Boundaries are a simple concept, but they can vary from person to person. Boundaries essentially keep the good stuff on the inside and the bad stuff on the outside. In the book Making Dating Work Boundaries in Dating, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend discuss boundaries at length. It is a fabulous book to pick up if you are interested in how boundaries should apply in a relationship.

Now, I just mentioned that everyone has boundaries whether they realize them or not, and they are meant to keep the good stuff on the inside, and the bad stuff on the outside. Now boundaries can keep the good people close to you, and the people that will hurt you away. Think of boundaries as an invisible property line around yourself, and that those boundaries should keep the good things in, and protect you from things you do not want in.

Examples of violations of your person boundaries include: the loss of freedom of oneself, being with the wrong person, control issues, the inability to say no, doing too much within the relationship at the expense of yourself. Boundaries are your beliefs and ideals that make you especially unique. Infringing upon your boundaries only serves to make you an unhappy person.

How do you know what your personal boundaries are? You need to know yourself. Shakespeare said “To thine own self be true.” You do need to know what is important to you. What qualities do you like in yourself, and want from others. For example if you value honestly, being with someone that is not honest will not make you happy in the long term. You will need to be strong enough in your personal character to eliminate people who do not exhibit honestly in their words and in their actions.

Now looking at just you being honest with yourself requires some homework on your part to acknowledge what is important to you, for you to be willing to uphold your ideas, and then you must communicate your ideals to others. You need to communicate your expectations about a relationship clearly. When that other person may violate your expectations you need to be willing to discuss these ideas head on, and if need be you need to be willing to set that relationship free.

Boundaries are really meant to protect you. They are meant to keep you happy, and safe in relationships, whether these are friendships or relationships that may go further. You do have some ownership in knowing what things are important to you, they may be honestly, personal character, not using drugs and or alcohol. Once you know where your standards are you can communicate these to others and position yourself around people that will not violate your personal boundaries.

What is a Red Flag?

2005-07-14T05:03:00.000-07:00

What is a Red Flag?
By Stephanie Manley

The focus of many of the last few articles has been on what is does a dangerous person look like, who you should avoid, but did you know that we all have personal red flags available if we just listen to them. Red Flags are signals that we all have, although they may differ just slightly. For some of us they are internal mental grumblings, for others of us it a sinking feeling you get inside, and for some when our bodies are really giving a message it is giving us a physical signs.

We all know that red flags are clues that our body sends up when one of our boundaries is being violated. Remember boundaries, are physical, spiritual, and emotional limits that we all have. These boundaries are there as warning signs that someone is encroaching too far into our personal territory. Thankfully our bodies send us signals to help us out with these. Here is a list and it’s not meant to be comprehensive, but this should give you a good idea of what your boundaries may be.

A sinking feeling when you see, or hear from that other person.
Feeling anxious when you disconnect with the other person.
A nervous feeling around someone all of the time.
Walking away with grumblings or a private mental conversation with you.
Your pulse quickens when you have interactions with the other person.
You dread seeing them, taking phone calls from them, or other contact.
You walk away feeling like there is something wrong and you can not put your finger on it.
The other person intentionally says things to put you down, in private or in a group of other people.
The other person makes jokes at your expense, in private or in a group of other people.
The other person says things that are overly harsh, and tells you, they are just trying to help you out
You always have doubt about a relationship, but can’t quite put your finger on what’s wrong.
The other person only has one sided conversations, you are really there just to listen.
The other person can not exhibit emotional responses when they should.
You feel like this person drains you after connection with them.
Does this person try to make you feel guilty?
Are you made to feel less well about yourself?

These are just a few of red flags that my crop up in dealing with someone. Now, keep in mind these are things are warning signs that should be investigated further. So often we shut down these signals because we think we need to be polite, caring, or otherwise give of yourself because it’s the right thing to do. From a cultural perspective that may be the correct thing to do, but is it? These can be applied in non-romantic relationships as well. So pay attention when your body is trying to tell you something. Think and take advantage of the wonderful built in warning system that we all have.

Three Qualities of a Good Relationship

2005-07-11T17:09:00.000-07:00

Three qualities of a good relationship
By Stephanie Manley

All relationships have some adjustment periods, but being hurt shouldn’t be part of being in love. Loving relationships have good qualities, such as support from your partner, a willingness to communicate, a desire to compromise, and open an honest communication. When you do not have these fundamental qualities in a relationship, that relationship isn’t likely to grow, and become something that you desire.

We all turn to our loved ones for support from time to time. When your loved one does not offer you their support it may be time to look at your relationship. As we all want to nurture those that we love. We want the best in life for those that we care about. If your partner is unwilling to listen to you, and to your problems, they are not meeting your needs when you need support. Support can come in many forms, someone lending an ear, someone going out of their way to help you, or something as simple as a phone call to cheer you up. Make sure your partner gives you support when you need it.

When engaging in a relationship with another person there is always going to be things that you do not agree upon. You want to have the ability to compromise so both partners are getting their wishes met. This may mean one night you watch football, and one night your partner watches a movie you enjoy. It might mean that your partner can agree to try a dish that you enjoy cooking. In any organization with more than one person in it, there will be more than one opinion, work with your partner to see that both of you can compromise on different subjects. If someone isn’t willing to compromise, they are not willing to acknowledge your wants and desires. If they can not acknowledge your wants they are likely not emotionally developed enough for you to have your needs met.

Open and honest communication is one of the more desirable qualities you want to have in a relationship. Watch to see that your partner is not secretive, nor are they willing to tell lies to avoid certain subjects. For example, if a partner is married, and fails to tell you that, you can rightfully assume if they can lie about big things, they can lie about small things. While you may not like everything your partner may say, freedom to be honest should be there in your relationship. Likewise, you need to be open and honest with your partner; a relationship based upon false truths is not likely to be successful, because both partners do not have the correct frame of reference in the relationship.

There are many qualities that make relationships good support, compromise, and open and honest communication is just a few of these qualities that you may desire in a relationship. Engage only in relationships where both partners can openly discuss their wants and needs, this can take practice. Remember loving relationships grow and only become better, eliminate those who do not meet your needs when they continually fail to support you, will not compromise, and will not be honest. These three qualities alone will help you nurture and develop a deeper relationship with your partner.

What does a dangerous man look like?

2005-07-11T04:50:00.000-07:00

What does a dangerous man look like?
By Stephanie Manley

When you are dating you try to keep from a dangerous man. What do they look like? Why is when you are dating people that some guys just manage to slip through the cracks before revealing their true colors? What are they looking for in a woman? What can you do to protect yourself from a dangerous man?

One of the first things to realize is that dangerous men, look just like regular men. They do not wear black like he villains in movies. Chances are you can not pick him out in casual contact in the street. Keep in mind that Ted Bundy, one of our century’s most notorious serial killers was an attractive man. They blend in with the rest of society, but under the surface they are dangerous men.

What makes a man so dangerous? These men will stop at nothing to get from you what they need. They will lie, cheat, steal, demean, and abuse you. You cannot reform these men, nor make them into what you want. You are not a person to them, you are an object, and object that may satisfy their desires, not yours. They will forage a relationship simply to get what they need.

Some of these men are ego centric only needing your input on how they look, what wonderful things you think about them, and how you may worship them. These men will toss you aside, because the adoration that you give to them will never be enough. They do this through being cunning, clever, and offering you what they think you want in a man. Some of these men need attention in ways their mothers should have fawned over them as children. Others, need for you to take care of them, this can be physically, emotionally, and yes, even financially. Look at these relationships with outside eyes, if your girlfriend was telling you about one of these men, what would you think?

Protect yourself, by moving slowly in relationships. While these men are dangerous, they are cunning. They can put on a show that will fool most, into believing what wonderful people they are. Watch how they treat others, is it how you want to be treated? Do they have family members they are close or do they have any friends? Watch out for men that are loaners, often they are loaners through their own personal choices. Verify facts where you can, look for inconsistencies.

You have to protect yourself from dangerous men. They look, and smell just like regular ones. You must watch out for the manipulative men, and protect yourself closely. Watch for what they say, and what they do. Look to see if they have a normal social life, and look to see if they were always the victim. Give these men the high road before you become seriously involved with them, so you they do in infiltrate them into your life. Dangerous men can be difficult to remove when they realize you will feed their needs. Keep your eyes open, and watch for unhealthy behaviors, and when you do see them, think about them carefully, before continuing a relationship.

Question about infidelity

2005-07-07T04:42:00.000-07:00

Having a discussion with someone this weekend, we wondered that if cheating on your partner with someone or just ignoring your partner was an equivalent. In both instances you are denying your partner their exsistance in your relationship with that, additionally you are intenaionally freezing them out of the relationship so to speak. So is cheating something more than the conventional idea of cheating on your spouse with another person? I do believe so.
In a relationship, you have a partnership until it is dissolved through mutual agreement, or death. Now, what if, one side of that partnership fails to let the other person know they have different ideas? The unspoken or even spoken agreement between you and your partner is broken. I firmly believe this can be done through ignoring, freezing out, or becoming involved with an addiction. In taking on any of those actions it can really be said that you are no longer engaging with your partner as you should.

46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair

2005-07-07T03:46:00.000-07:00

46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
By Dr. Robert Huizenga

Some of these signs of a cheating spouse are "tongue in cheek" while others are tell tale signs that commonly appear with a cheating husband or cheating wife. There is no copyright. Feel free to forward to those who might be interested. But please don't change anything.

Signs of a Cheating Spouse:

1) You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you've had a vasectomy.

2) Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either know
about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife
or girlfriend you are.)

3) Your cheating husband or wife stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.

4) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you about it.

5) He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and
returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard.

6) She joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program.

7) She buys a cell phone and doesn't let you know.

8) He sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to his office.

9) The cheating husband carries condoms, and you are on the pill.

10) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.

11) Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.

12) He becomes "accusatory," asking if you are being true to him, usually out of guilt.

13) Raises hypothetical questions such as, "Do you think it's possible
to love more than one person at a time?"

14) He buys himself new underwear.

15) He insists the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.

16) The cheating wife stops wearing her wedding ring.

17) Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.

18) Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.

19) Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.

20) He/she fairly suddenly stops having sex with you.

21) He/she suddenly wants more sex, more often.

22) Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the
pay stub.

23) Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.

24) You find out by accident he or she took vacation day or personal
time off from work - but supposedly worked on those days.

25) Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.

26) Spouse's co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence.

27) Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.

28) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially
after you have gone to bed.

29) He throws up a lot because he just ate at his mistress's house and
had to eat the dinner you prepared when he got home.

30) Your spouse is away from home, either nights or on trips, more
than previously.

31) His/her clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave. You
see lipstick on your husband's shirt.

32) The amount of money being deposited into your checking account
drops off.

33) You find items of intimate apparel or other small gift-type items that you did not give your spouse.

34) Your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is "touchy"
and easily moved to anger.

35) You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your
voice.

36) He/she loses attention in the activities in the home.

37) Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right.

38) He/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the
home.

39) She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.

40) She has a "glow" about her.

41) Atypical erratic behavior.

42) He sneaks out of the house.

43) She sleeps with her purse by the bed.

44) She goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later.

45) He tells you that you can get hold of him at a different telephone number.

46) The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

Dating a Metrosexual?

2005-07-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

What in the world is a metrosexual?? A metrosexual is a term that was defined in 1994 that describes heterosexual men, that exhibit many homosexual characteristics. At first glance, I thought that this was the perfect man for me, a metrosexual. Dating one, is much higher maintence than your normal boyfriend. Sure the metrosexual boyfriend dresses better, may know about wine, decorates his house very well, and really takes pride in knowing about the arts. My personal experience led me in a relationship that left me often confused by why my boyfriend was so high maintained.
Jeff Foxworthy does a funny segment on “You know your dating a redneck if ….” Well you know your dating a metrosexual if: he gets more pedicures than you do, if he shaves an equal or greater amount of your body than you do (my ex shaved everything but his legs…), spends more time picking out clothes than you do. Spends more time decorating his place, than you do, and will help you decorate yours. When these men dress, they have accessories, this doesn’t mean a baseball cap, it means the belt, the tie, the pen, the shoes, the socks, the underwear, the cuff links, and all match.
Talk about high maintance, I really empathize with men that are in awe by how much it takes their significant other to exist, but I think there is room for exactly one person in a relationship to need that type of personal attention. It can take a party of two to get a metrosexual dressed and coiffed for the evening. I would do my ex’s hair, feet, and nails, this was just my part to help him feel like he was a well dressed man.
Now, please do not get me wrong. I love a well dressed man as much as the next person. I love it when they wear matching clothes, smell good, and look like they have had their hair trimmed recently. I love it when they know a bit more about alcohol than just beer. Better yet, a man that can attend theater, movies, music events, is most welcomed. Dating the authority on how to cook, what to drink, how to be entertained, and how to look is a bit much for me.
I want a man that is a bit simpler, and has slightly more sophistication than the majority of my male relatives. I don’t mind doing things for the man in my life, but my personal experience is that with a metrosexual man, you event plan for them, and orchestrate their world around them. I want a collaborative partner, not someone that I have to put as much time into as my 4 year old cousin. I want a normal guy with some metrosexual tendencies; I do not want the person the other way around.

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

2005-07-04T04:00:00.000-07:00

Setting up Boundaries in Relationships
by Stephanie Manley

Setting up personal boundaries is important in all types of relationships, but in intimate ones, it is all the more important. As with the closer the relationship will become it is easier for those lines to blur. You may ask yourself what is a boundary and why setting, or recognizing them do for me. Boundaries are personal limits we have with other people emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Often we already have these built-in, but sadly we often ignore them because we were taught to be nice to everyone, or that our desire to be in a relationship may outweigh how we behave.
There are at least three different categories of boundaries: physical, emotional, and spiritual. The easiest to understand is the physical boundary, as we experience this one literally on a daily basis. Think of this has if someone is standing too close to you, and how that makes you recoil inside slightly. If you were to apply this to a relationship or someone you may be dating it may take place in terms of a forced physical intimacy before you are ready. Often when these initially happen we get an uncomfortable feeling, it can be a shortness of breath, a sense of being violated, or something like a sinking feeling in your stomach. These are all signs our boundaries are working, and we need to pay attention to them.
Emotional boundaries can impact us in every day life as well. These typically take place in situations where we know the other person. This can be something like a co-worker making an emotional appeal for you to by trash bags for their child for fundraising. This can be our potential dating partner trying to force emotional intimacy through revealing too much about themselves, or asking us to do the same for them. A violation of an emotional boundary could be a potential mate trying to secure a commitment in a relationship before we are ready. Once again if we feel uncomfortable when these things happen, its time to pay attention, and ask ourselves what is making us feel this way.
Spiritual boundary violations can be very devastating. A very easy example of this may be when a child seeks approval from a parent for something they have done, and then that child is met with criticism. These violations tend to run deeper than an emotional one since they feel like an attack on us. This could be a partner making an overly harsh comment, or if someone is putting someone else down and making you feel uncomfortable. When these transgressions happen you should take note, other people should not make you feel bad, and attacks on the spirit can be difficult to get over.
When your boundaries are violated, you often have a negative reaction and my not know why. Learning about where your personal limits are is a wonderful way for you to set expectations in a relationship, and learn about yourself. There is no better time for you to do this than before a relationship starts, or in beginning of a relationship. Re-setting your boundaries in older relationships is possible, but it will come with a longer adjustment period. Take time to establish what your personal expectations are, so you are always comfortable in your relationships.

When are you ready to move onto a new relationship?

2005-07-03T06:48:00.000-07:00

When are you ready to move onto a new relationship?
By Stephanie Manley

Breakups can be painful and difficult on so many difficult levels. The ending of a relationship, a close friendship, and the dreams that you shared with your significant other are just a few of the things you lose. So, when are you ready to move forward to a new relationship without any of the ill effects of your past relationship? You can ask yourself these questions.

1. You only think of your past significant other occasionally. They no longer occupy your thoughts. You can’t move forward with someone new, if you are mentally focused on someone else. During a breakup your primary focus in on your ex, what could have happened, what if things were different, what if you would have said something at the right time. Once you have finished processing your past relationship it will no longer be a primary force in your life.
2. You no longer get upset when dealing with your ex. There will come a time, when dealing with your past significant other will become nothing more than dealing with any other annoying person.
3. You have stopped trying to please your past love. Once a breakup has occurred you are not under obligation to please your ex. You no longer do the special things that you would do for them. You do not do special favors for them such as shoveling their sidewalks when it snows.
4. Your ex does not come up in conversations with your friends. We all speak about what is important to us, so when you notice you are no longer chatting about your ex, you can move on.
5. The romantic feelings are gone. We all have romantic feelings towards our ex partner right after the breakup. There will come a time when you stop fantasizing about a future with them.
6. You can accept that your ex can find a new romantic interest. Feelings of jealousy depart when you no longer have an emotional tie to your past partner.
7. You are no longer angry at your ex. During a breakup feelings of anger are likely to come about. When the former partner no longer stir anger, you are emotionally detached.

You must not move forward into a new quality relationship until you have reached these ideals. If you are still emotionally involved with your past partner you are able to devote yourself to your new partner. You wouldn’t want your new romantic interest to still be focused on their ex partner. You will get resolution towards your ex partner. It will happen.

The opposite of love isn’t hate is apathy. Once you have reached the state of apathy you are truly ready to go forward and enjoy what a new positive relationship may bring. Make sure your ready, and make sure who you are involved with feels that their ex is no longer an issue in their life. It is worth waiting for, you want your next relationship to benefit from the lessons learned from your past relationships.

Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn't Avoid

2005-07-03T06:45:00.000-07:00

Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn't Avoid

All relationships are clearly not meant to be. Only a few really deserve your time and your efforts. Sometimes we have clouded judgment and fail to recognize warning signs that are clearly apparent. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in a relationship. Often relationships start out wonderfully and turn sour while dating. You should invest your time with those people who respect you and will treat you well. Yet, sometimes we may overlook some of the warning signs that may save us much heart ache in the end.
1. Physical Abuse - physical abuse should always be a deal breaker. Early signals may be extremely rough play where you end up bruised. Other early signs are pushing, shoving, or playfully hitting you too hard. These are signs that he is physically aggressive and doesn't mind hurting you.
2. Emotional/Verbal Abuse - name calling (no, we aren't talking about terms of endearment) such as you’re a fat slob, you're ugly, or anything that doesn't promote good will is inexcusable. If such terms are being used towards you, drop that person, they do not respect you. Having that person say that they didn't mean it, or they were joking isn't an acceptable excuse.
3. Emotional Rollercoaster’s - avoid people who love you one day, and want to break things off the next day. This person is unstable, and will only continue this cycle as your relationship continues. A person who does articulate mixed messages isn't emotionally mature enough for a relationship.
4. Lying - you deserve to be in a relationship with a person who will tell you the truth. Avoid anyone who tells outright lies. If they will lie about small things, they will lie about larger things. A person that loves you will respect and not lie to you.
5. Inaccessible – They will not give out phone numbers, address, or employment information. Someone who is not willing to give you a way to contact them is trying to hide from someone. Perhaps they will only give out their cell phone number and nothing else. Perhaps they will only allow you to call at certain times, and not at others. All of these are warning signs that they are trying to keep themselves separate from you.
6. Too Controlling – your partner is overly concerned about activities that you do when you are away from them. They need to know where you are at all times, they may call you several times a day while you are out checking up on you. Be cautious if someone must know where you are at every waking moment, and needs to constantly check up on you. They may need to do this simply because they are insecure, or they may be seeing someone else, and want to verify that you aren’t going to infringe upon that other relationship.
7. You’re the one trying to work on the relationship – if you are the one that has to maintain the contact, apologize, and keeps the relationship going, you are working too hard. Relationships are two way streets; both parties need to be involved. If you are involved with someone who can’t pick up the phone, send an email, or come and see you, move on. The other person isn’t interested in you enough to make the effort.
8. How do they treat others? Does your partner treat other people well? Do they treat servers in restaurants with respect? Do they speak nicely to their own family? Do they talk badly about their friends behind their backs? Remember, the person you are with will eventually treat you like they do everyone else.

These are general warning signs. You may have your own must haves that a potential partner must meet to be in a relationship with you. Make sure you move slow enough to see these warning signals before you fully engage your heart. Above all you deserve a stable relationship with someone that you respect, and that other person respects you. If you must question yourself, ask yourself this, if a friend of yours was relating some of these red flags to you, what would you say? If you would tell your friend its time to move on, move on to someone that will give you the relationship that you desire.

How to ease the pain of a breakup

2005-07-03T06:42:00.000-07:00

How to ease the pain of a breakup

Whether you do the dumping or you are the one who got dumped, breakups are painful. If you initiated the breakup you may feel guilty, or question that you made the right decision. If you were the one who got dumped you may feel shocked, hurt, and angry. Breakups are painful for either party. There are things you can do to get through the breakup, to ease your pain. Sometimes breakups can bring a relationship closer together when both parties realize that they really were meant to be together, or they can be a blessing because you are no longer with the wrong person.

First thing you should do is acknowledge your feelings, its ok to feel sad, hurt, angry, and shocked. This was a relationship you spent time in. Live in the moment and allow yourself to cry if need be. Talk to your friends about your relationship, let them know how much you hurt; they may have advice for you that may be helpful. Additionally they may offer you some insight about your relationship that you did not see. You may want to spend the next several evenings/weekends at home taking extra good care of yourself. Watch television, lie in bed and eat ice cream, paint your nails, or try on a new hair style.

Keep busy. Yes, you are going to have to go through a difficult transition. Before you start dating other people consider revitalizing hobbies you may have put aside to be with your ex. You may want to invite over your girlfriends, and enjoy an evening watching movies, or cooking; heck you can have a slumber party. See if there are local events that you may want to go to, for example there might be cooking classes at a nearby store; museums often have special events, or taking a class on a hobby that you enjoy.

Do not call your ex. I know, this is the hardest part. Even if you really want to, resist. Employ your friends; call them instead of your Ex. Chances are in an emotional state you will not say what you really want to say. Wait on contacting your Ex for several weeks. Let the first wave of hurt and anger subside before you attempt to make contact. This may take a week, month, or longer before you are able to speak to them in a calm way.

Do not email, or send a letter to your Ex. Wait! Write the letter, write the email, but do not send it. Wait, you may want to burn the letter have you write it. Do not send it. Allow the initial pain to pass. You can always get in touch with your Ex later. The best revenge on an Ex is letting them think you are moving along and you are doing very well. You may want to keep a journal of your feelings, and write down all of your feelings so you can go back and organize your thoughts, and take a better look at your past relationship.

The pain of a breakup will eventually ease. Most people who have dated have been through a breakup or two, and they do know how you feel. Acknowledge your feelings, and let them out. Letting out your feelings either privately in a journal or with your friends will help you feel validated. Do not contact your Ex until the pain of the breakup goes away. If you are hurting you are not likely to say the right things, besides it better to let you’re Ex think that you’re doing well enough without them. You may want to consider renewing your relationship, so do not say anything that you might regret. You may also realize that this relationship was not meant to be, and it is time for you to move on. Remember, that the pain, the hurt, and the sadness will go away, while it may take longer than we like, keep in mind going through this may help make your next relationship better.

Three qualities of a good relationship

2005-07-03T06:09:00.000-07:00

Three qualities of a good relationship

All relationships have some adjustment periods, but being hurt shouldn’t be part of being in love. Loving relationships have good qualities, such as support from your partner, a willingness to communicate, a desire to compromise, and open an honest communication. When you do not have these fundamental qualities in a relationship, that relationship isn’t likely to grow, and become something that you desire.

We all turn to our loved ones for support from time to time. When your loved one does not offer you their support it may be time to look at your relationship. As we all want to nurture those that we love. We want the best in life for those that we care about. If your partner is unwilling to listen to you, and to your problems, they are not meeting your needs when you need support. Support can come in many forms, someone lending an ear, someone going out of their way to help you, or something as simple as a phone call to cheer you up. Make sure your partner gives you support when you need it.

When engaging in a relationship with another person there is always going to be things that you do not agree upon. You want to have the ability to compromise so both partners are getting their wishes met. This may mean one night you watch football, and one night your partner watches a movie you enjoy. It might mean that your partner can agree to try a dish that you enjoy cooking. In any organization with more than one person in it, there will be more than one opinion, work with your partner to see that both of you can compromise on different subjects. If someone isn’t willing to compromise, they are not willing to acknowledge your wants and desires. If they can not acknowledge your wants they are likely not emotionally developed enough for you to have your needs met.

Open and honest communication is one of the more desirable qualities you want to have in a relationship. Watch to see that your partner is not secretive, nor are they willing to tell lies to avoid certain subjects. For example, if a partner is married, and fails to tell you that, you can rightfully assume if they can lie about big things, they can lie about small things. While you may not like everything your partner may say, freedom to be honest should be there in your relationship. Likewise, you need to be open and honest with your partner; a relationship based upon false truths is not likely to be successful, because both partners do not have the correct frame of reference in the relationship.

There are many qualities that make relationships good support, compromise, and open and honest communication is just a few of these qualities that you may desire in a relationship. Engage only in relationships where both partners can openly discuss their wants and needs, this can take practice. Remember loving relationships grow and only become better, eliminate those who do not meet your needs when they continually fail to support you, will not compromise, and will not be honest. These three qualities alone will help you nurture and develop a deeper relationship with your partner